Post # 1
We have been together 3.5 ys. I know he loves me and wants nothing to do with his ex. They have no children, no reason to talk to each other. When we started dating they had been separated a year. After we were dating for about 3 months, she saw pics of us together on FB and decided she wanted him back. Being the honorable, good man that he is, he broke up with me and said “they had 20 yrs, together, he owed it to his marriage to see if it could work”. He was gone 6 weeks before he realized that she only wanted him back because she saw he was happy and that he really wanted me instead of her.
So why do I let it get to me. She was horrible to him. He put up with an awful lot and she tossed him out, bankrupted him (not literally, but left him with all the debt and took everything she could). She calls regularly and I hear him tell her she has to stop calling him and that he wants nothing to do with her.
Its the little things that get to me. Although she is dating a new man (has been for 2 yrs), she likes to call mine at 1am. His cousins keep in touch with her, although they weren’t friends prior to the break up. Although his family is mostly accepting of me, his brother, keeps pictures of my SO’s ex on his facebook (even though he doesn’t keep pics of his other brother’s EX and they were together alomst 20yrs). I know he loves me, I know he is bound to still have some feelings for the EX.
Does it just bug me because when she snapped her fingers he ran back to her, leaving me heartbroken? Moving forward, how can I get this resentment out of my system?
Post # 3
What happened between him going back to her and the 2 of you now being together and planning a wedding? I hope he got down on his knees either literally or figuratively begging for your forgiveness and trust. Did you lay out any terms before taking him back? In order to get rid of the resentment you have to have his words and actions show that he’s commited to YOUR relationship now.
Post # 4
He is really clear that he loves and worships me. That there is no comparison. We were only together 3 months at the time. I understand that he owed it to the relationship to try again. But it did break my heart. I knew then that I loved him. Oddly enough, when it happened, I said “be back by my birthday” and he was. I’m never the type to look back, but there was something special about him. He just adores me and lets everyone know.
I just get to irritated by her. Mostly for what she put him through and for being able to get him back so quickly. Relatisically, I know he is mine, but somehow I am still jealous of their 20 years together.
Post # 5
I think it’s weird that she has any way at all to even get in contact with him. My Dear Fiance has nothing to do with his ex-wife, and avoids her like the plague. He’s actually spun me around and dragged me out of the grocery store because he spotted her at the deli counter. Had he ever dumped me to get back together with her, I wouldn’t have given him another chance.
Post # 6
The reality is that most middle aged (or older) people have been in previous relationships-married or not.
Does he harbor ill feelings about your previous relationships? This part of the problem is yours to fix.
As for his ex still contacting him- he has control of that- DON”T ANSWER THE PHONE. If they do not have children together there is no reason he needs to answer a phone call from her at one in the morning.
You can’t control what anyone else does with their facebook. He has no responsibility for that. That has nothing to do with your realtionship.
Time to give up these insecurities and focus on the healthy part of your relationship.
Post # 7
You are right. I know its my issue.
And yes, SO has issues with my past, however my ex has passed away so he doesn’t call me.
Most of the time SO turns off his phone at night. His cell phone is for his business (used to be his land line and he’s had the number for 25yrs so he doesn’t want to change it). He only answers at 1am when its waking us up.
I know I need to get over it, I just need to grow up an deal with it.
Post # 8
She’s calling at 1am….but is he answering? Clearly your mate isn’t setting strong enough boundries. that wouldn’t sit well with me. Like you said, they don’t have kids together so there really isn’t an excuse.
Post # 9
I don’t know how he could be any cleared. He has yelled at her to stop calling him, to move on. He has asked me to answer the phone (which i haven’t but I agreed that next time she calls I will).
She always finds an excuse, she last called because she had a valuable award he received at her dad’s and wanted to give it back to him, he said to keep it, he didn’t want anything.
Post # 10
He’s doing the right things. I just need to get my head around it and find a way for it to not bother me so much.
Post # 11
Sounds like the simple solution is “Pick up, hang up.” 🙁 Is it possible to block her number?
Post # 12
I agree, why does he pick up the phone? By picking up he’s telling her he wants to talk to her. Even if all he says is to stop calling. All she cares about is that she’s got his undivided attention. If he ignores her long enough she’ll find someone new to bother. I wouldn’t put up with him talking to her. It would make me think he’s keeping the drama going by fighting with her.
Some people do love each other but they only know how to argue and terrorize each other. He obviously cares for her, they spent 20 years together. I’m sure he’d like to get along with her but if all they do is fight, he needs to just cut off contact with her. For now at least.
ETA: “He has asked me to answer the phone” WHATTT?!?!?!? Stay out of it. He sounds to me like he’s looking for a catfight to stroke his ego. This is his problem not yours. She’s gonna LOOVEEEE when you pick up the phone. Then the drama will increase about 100%. Please rethink that.
Post # 13
I think you should try to block the number. Then if she uses another phone to call just don’t pick up. If she knows he will answer she will just keep calling. Once he starts ignoring her she will be more likely to stop calling since it will seem like it’s not bothering you anymore.
Post # 14
I don’t think her calling is the big issue. I mean it is part of it. But, my issue is how to I keep it from bugging me? I need some tools to get over it. Any suggestions?
He is not the drama seeking type. He mostly doesn’t answer if he sees she’s calling. He only told me to answer because he knows she wouldn’t risk calling again if she thought i was going to answer.
Post # 15
@MrsTimmy: OH okay that makes a huge differance (I didn’t read that the first time, reading to quickly). Then the only thing to do is ignore her. She’s getting off on being a pain in the butt. If a man yells at me my pride who tell me to never call again. So don’t give her any reaction. All calls to go voicemail and then deleted, don’t bother listening. And please don’t EVER get on the phone with her because that will just play into her game and she will know its getting to you. You didn’t sleep with her for 20 years this isn’t your problem to handle.
Sorry you going thru this. I agree with the PP, things like the FB pics aren’t something you should be concerned about. Its a waste of energy. I respect that he was honest with you in the begining and did what he needed to get closure. Your man seems to be supportive to the best of his ability. From where I sit you totally have got the upper hand here. Respect what the both of you have built. She only has power if you let her. When your mind drifts to her, litterally push it out. If anything be thankful that she was in his life, becuase she messed it up so bad that he’s now with you. HA!
Post # 16
i think he sounds like a great loyal guy.
she sounds like a shrew