Post # 1
Hey Bees! I’ve got a situation that I thought I could handle and thought was okay, and now I just don’t know how to feel.
So a few months ago my FSIL decided she is getting married November 1st. We have already had our date set of December 13th, and his dad is getting married tomorrow…. I am okay with his dad’s wedding and all that, I’m actually excited for it and am looking forward to all of the festivities. On the other hand anytime his sister brings up anything about her wedding or anyone for that matter, I get extremely irritated and just don’t even want to go which we may not due to the military, but does anyone have any idea of how to cope with this??? It’s just frustrating that I have had mine planned the longest and now it seems as if everyone has forgotten all about it and doesn’t care I’m not sure what to do
Post # 2
KateriPetrie: I think you just need to let it go. Your wedding has nothing to do with her wedding, and vice versa. Regardless of who got engaged first, you each get ONE DAY. Hers just happens to fall before yours. It’s not that big of a deal. Try to be happy for her as you would want her to be for you.
Post # 3
I agree with PP. There is a generous gap between your weddings.You should be thankful tbthat she didn’t make it closer. Realize that there isn’t a 6-month block of time reserved for your wedding. His father’s wedding should be no where near your radar when you think about your own… neither should her’s.
Post # 4
First of all, it’s good that you’re able to recognize your feelings for what they are. That’s a really important first step!
Now, prepare for some tired old Weddingbee aphorisms, which show up in 100% of threads like this:
— nobody cares about your wedding as much as you care about your wedding
— you get one day
Okay, so now that we’ve got those out of the way …
The way you feel is very understandable. To you, your wedding is the biggest thing on the horizon, and it should be! It’s a huge event in your life! But to your FSIL, her own wedding is the biggest thing on the horizon. And to your FFIL, his wedding is the biggest thing on the horizon. And to everyone who is invited to all these weddings, well … who knows what the biggest thing on their horizon is … but it’s probably not any of these weddings.
So what can you do? Focus on your own wedding and try not to get caught up in conversations about anyone else’s. That’s what I always do when I find that a certain topic upsets me for some reason — just avoid it. Just change the subject any time FSIL wants to talk about her wedding. Or leave the room — go to the bathroom, go refill your drink; anything you need to do to get you away from the conversation that is making you feel bitter.
Second, try your best to find a way to be happy for your FSIL. Try not to go down that path of bitterness and comparison. It’s hard, but if you call yourself out on it every time you catch yourself doing it, that should help. I had some family friends get married ~1 month after me, and their wedding budget was 30x mine. It made me feel jealous and irritated, but I just kept calling myself out for it and eventually I stopped doing it. And in the end, while their wedding was lovely, I liked mine better. Because it was mine! It was everything I wanted! So of course it was better to me. And I’m sure theirs was better to them. That’s just how it works.
I’m sure your wedding will be lovely, and once all these other weddings are out of the way, yours will probably get more focus. Good luck!
Post # 5
Thank you, I have tried to be the bigger person through all of this and what not, be excited and help her with whatever I can, I just get so upset over snide comments that she has said about some things. It just gets frustrating that I can’t go over to my FMIL’s house without it all being about FSILs wedding. I get that they are both excited, but I am too and there’s almost never enough time for me to just get a word in about mine. Of course I know she’s excited, but it’s to the point where I don’t even want to spend time with her.
Post # 6
KateriPetrie: honestly, with less than a month left before her wedding, I think you’re perfectly within your rights to be “really busy” and not able to spend much time with them until after the wedding. 🙂
And just remember — her snide remarks are probably coming from a place of insecurity. She’s probably doing just as much comparison and feeling just as jealous and irritated by your wedding as you are by hers! So she tries to justify her own decisions by putting yours down. So try not to take it personally. It’s just something brides do. All of us. 🙂
Post # 7
KateriPetrie: I have a friend who just got engaged. I love her, and him. They are like family. My FI and I actually played an intricate part in the proposal. However, there’s been a strange vibe with us since I got engaged a year ago. I am truly happy for them, but she makes really awful remarks to me. Three that stand out and got me:
1) she asked to try on my ring (prior to her being engaged), I lwt her and she made this disgusted face and said “ew! Way too huge for me!” OK, so my ring is ugly/gaudy. Whatevs.
2)Upon telling her I want to start yoga since I need energy and stress release. Her answer? “Don’t you want to lose weight to!?” No. No I don’t. I’m good. I’m 5’7″ and 145lbs. Hardly overweight. But thanks anyway!
3) during they’re celebratory engagement dinner, I excitedly asked about wedding plans, since I know you get this rush once that ring goes on your finger. She answers that all she wants is an out door BBQ on the beach. I tell her awesome, that sounds like a blast! She then tells me that none of the “dumb shit” that goes with a big wedding is her style. Stupid things that formal weddings have aren’t her style. Well, guess who the fuck is having a big, formal wedding? Yup, me. At that point in the night I just told myself to be happy for her, but I did tell her, I’d watch what you say, my wedding is all of those things you’re claiming to hate. Not very cool. To which she says, “oh oops! To each their own I guess!” Yeah. That seriously happened.
I guess my point is, ignore the negativity, because in my experience, I really think my friend is so self absorbed that she really doesn’t know when she insults someone. So, I just make sure I don’t see her that often anymore.
Post # 8
MrsBagel: Seriously, you just made my day, it’s almost as if we are dealing with someone very similar! My budget is significantly higher than hers granted I have had 2 years to plan, and she has had 3 months, but she always will say “well it’s not about how much you spend remember that” and just little things like that that can get annoying. I’m definitely not trying to up one hers at all, I just think it’s a little annoying and irritating
Post # 9
KateriPetrie: So I feel you completely. My FSIL and FBIL totally side stepped us and were married in august ours is in May way bigger gap then yours but it’s so hard to repress the feelings I’m still struggling with them but they are getting better. and they will for you too. It sucks so much being the bigger person sometimes. I hate continuing having to plan and hear O well at their wedding they did this. I have to stop myself sometimes from screaming ..O really did you miss the fact that I was there? and don’t give a flying F?
Post # 10
- Wedding: December 2014 - Loft
KateriPetrie: when you say you’ve been trying to “be the bigger person” …. what exactly requires you to be the bigger person? The fact that her wedding is before yours? You get one day. Other peoples lives don’t get put on hold so you can have year of wedding. and “being the bigger person” implies that she has done something to wrong you.