(Closed) Is 11 years just too long?

posted 3 years ago in Waiting
Post # 2
Member
1026 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

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backwardsandinheels :  I’m sorry you are in this position. It sounds as though he will not be proposing, he basically already told you that by saying you are “devaluing” the relationship by wanting to take the next step. I spent 5 years with a man like this and although we had a great relationship, I left. Guess what, it’s been 6 years and he isn’t married and actually doesn’t like the idea of marriage or bringing children to this world, he is a great guy but I’m so happy I’m not in a relationship with him, that would also put me at 11 years. I would suggest setting up a timeline you are comfortable with and is doable for him (saving for a ring, etc) and see how he reacts, if he gives you the same reaction, you should move on. If he agrees but isn’t taking necessary steps, move on. 

You deserve someone who wants the same things as you!

Post # 3
Member
10654 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

I think only you can know if it has gone stale, and/or that he’s too comfortable . I suspect the latter is the case, but what would l know!

l don’t like his tearful stuff accusing you of devaluing the relationship because you want engagement and marriage . Crap. And a neat way of turning it back on you. I would tell him what you have said here, that frankly, you feel he is lazy and comfortable and because of it you have begun to doubt his commitment. Add that you don’t want to argue on and on about it, but that you have reached a point where you are thinking about cutting your losses. Tell him to think about that and get back to you. 

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backwardsandinheels :  

Post # 4
Member
120 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

Guess he likes getting the milk for free. I know that seems old fashioned but it’s what he is doing. 

Post # 5
Member
9436 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2016

I also met my husband young. For that reason we ended up waiting 7 years to get engaged (8 to get married). This nonsense he’s telling never once came out of my husband’s mouth. Our reasons for waiting were concrete, agreed on by both of us, and clear steps were being taken to reach our pre-marriage goals.

You are in limbo with a man whose actions (and words) say he will never propose.

So it’s been 11 years. Do you want it to be 12? 13? How long are you willing to wait around and see? You need to take control of your life! Want marriage and kids? Move on. Don’t keep wasting time, you do not have an endless supply.

Post # 8
Member
1097 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2019

Don’t no let him make any kind of excuse or crap or blame you for this. My best friend and her husband were literally identical to you timeline-wise. At 10 years together he proposed and they got married. None of the crap your boyfriend is saying ever came up, no concerns over her being the only woman he ever slept with, no commitment/devaluing weird blame game. This guy is garbage, he’s not going to propose. 

Relationships don’t automatically go stale because you were together a decade… this guy is just stale 

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backwardsandinheels :  

Post # 9
Member
1557 posts
Bumble bee

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backwardsandinheels :  This guy hardly sounds like a catch. You deserve someone who doesn’t waiver: who is eager to marry you and who is head over heels for you. 11 years is long enough to know if you want to marry someone, and too long for him to monopolize your time. Your best response in this case is to recognize the sunk cost and let him go. His response will be informative as to whether he is motivated enough and truly wants to be with you. It’s to your benefit to know sooner rather than later, so that you can focus on yourself and finding someone more compatible.

Also, the gaslighting is unacceptable.

Post # 10
Member
4798 posts
Honey bee

Well he’s guaranteeing you’ll never get divorced – you have to get married to get divorced.

I guess ask yourself if you’re ok waiting around for (and should it ever happen – marrying) someone who lacks ambition who needs to be prodded through each of adulthood’s steps.  I would focus less on where you think you should be after 11 years.  That’s irrelevant.  No person’s “11 years” will look exactly the same.  There is no universal  “should”.  You need to focus on what you want from now forward, assessing where you are in the relationship now and whether that can get you to the future you want.  Not just engagement.  What is your five year plan?  Career?  Marriage?  Children?  Home-owner?

And are your goals the same and how does your relationship enhance your ability to reach those goals?  Someone in their late-20s should be able to make goals and concrete plans towards something, anything.  I personally wouldn’t want to be with someone who couldn’t.  You have to decide for yourself how long you are willing to accept aimless and shiftless because it sounds like that’s just his permanent speed.  So you’ll be prodding him along for everything like you’re his mommy.  I mean, at least you’ll have a kid out of the deal and he’s hopefully already potty-trained. 

Or you can decide if you want a partner who works with you to meet your shared goals and move on so you can find one.

Post # 11
Member
493 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: City, State

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backwardsandinheels :  Do all the things you would have done eight years ago, now.

I think there are some red flags that he gets comfortable with everything. That doesn’t really sound like the kind of person to devote your life to.

He can’t guarantee he won’t get into a collision every time he gets into a car, so does he not drive a car? I doubt it. That is a bullshit line.

Post # 12
Member
6025 posts
Bee Keeper

I’m sorry about this. Good for you for being honest. But your boyfriend……what a drama queen and a guilt tripper. And I’m being kind. He’s got a lot of nerve trying to make you feel bad for questioning his inaction. Don’t fall for it. Give the little boy some kleenex. Sorry, but what a loser. You might love him but he isn’t acting very lovable at the moment, is he? Listen to your brain here, not your heart. 

11 years is a long time. If I am being totally honest I do think it is too long – and I’ve been married 33 years. Your boyfriend has gotten very comfortable over a very long period of time. He doesn’t want to leave, because it’s not that bad, but he does want the security of knowing that he has an out should Ms. Right come along. Of course he wants to keep his options open; that’s not your imagination.

There’s only one thing for you to do. You have to shake up the system that has served him so well and dump it on its ear. You can’t change him, you can’t make him want something he doesn’t. But you can make sure that you find someone who shares your goals while you are still young. 

Post # 14
Member
3050 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2017

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backwardsandinheels :   I’m sorry you have wasted most of your 20s with this guy.  I would suggest you immediately stop living as his (pseudo) “wife”. You’ve done that for longer than a decade and here you are, still single and receiving an (insulting) song and dance from him when you ask for more!  Move out and move on to someone who really *wants* you for his wife.  

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