Post # 106
Bee, you are betting the entire farm on a couple of sentences he tossed out right after your joint session session. Maybe it’s significant. Perhaps those comments reflect a turning point. I can’t possibly know.
But, they are words, Bee.
I’m totally lost on how venting to family could possibly be of more benefit than couples’ therapy.
Your defensiveness signals that we are on point, Bee.
I dare say that all of us can understand and empathize with your anger. But, it’s misdirected. Do you feel comfortable expressing your feelings of anger to your bf? You mentioned venting to your family. How do you manage the anger that comes up regarding your relationship? Are you discussing it with your bf openly?
As anonymousbee001 said, people can be manipulative without even realizing it. Sadly, some dysfunctional family dynamics teach it. Nobody asks directly for what they need. They pit family members against each other. As adults, it’s reflexive. They don’t know another way.
Again, you quickly spun back to the sister issue. She’s not even the least important player in the game. She’s not even on the field.
Allow me to leave you with a quote about how you know you’re with the right person; from one of my favorite psychologists, Dr Ralph Smart, aka Infinite Waters.
—They bring out the best in you, not the stress in you.
Post # 107
I was with someone for eleven years and he told me the opposite that he wanted to get married. He just needed to finish some school to get a good career. Here’s the kicker! He never wanted to marry me from the get go and took school part time to buy as much time as he could. Yes he was good to me and a wonderful person but an asshole at best for what he did!
Bee there’s no doubt he’s a good boyfriend but that’s all he wants to remain. At least he’s honest with you about it. I’m sure he’s wonderful and amazing but you’re both on different life paths now. With my ex I realized he and I wanted two different major things!
I understand and it’s hard to give up a long term relationship that’s filled with lots of love.
Youll never be on on the same page and if marriage and kids is what you want it’s time to face the fact he won’t change and you won’t budge. So you go separate ways because there is someone who wants what you want and can provide a lot sooner.
Post # 108
You hit the nail on the head, you can’t possibly know, at the very least, you can’t know more about this person than I do. You are right, words are just words, and that goes for my words as well. This is an internet forum, not a group therapy session. No one here knows me or my SO intimately. All I can do is try to relay the facts from my perspective, and all you can do is offer advice based on the opinions formed from those relayed facts. I started this thread in a genuine moment of frustration and conflicted emotion, and recieved valuable advice, which I acted on (did I act on every single peice of advice, no matter how much it conflicted with my feelings? No.). No, I am not betting the farm on a few sentences, that is a huge simplification. My SO and I had an open and honest conversation, facilitated by a therapist. We expressed insecurities, points of sadness, anger, and our wants. We continued this discussion well into the night. We came to a mutual conclusion. We are moving forward (have even been looking at rings for the past few evenings!). And I agree with you, by the way, on the subject of my sister. She should not be a factor in this. Frankly, she has been too much of a factor in my life for a long time, and she and I need to have a talk about that.
The overwhelming advice I got on this thread had to do with figuring out what I wanted and acting on it. I have done that, and I am satisfied with our progress so far. But it seems like there a few commentors who will not be satisfied themselves until I leave this man. Well, as I’m in the process of learning, I can’t bow to the pressure of what other people want at the expence of what I want.
Anyway, thanks to all you ladies (and gents—who knows!) for taking the time to respond thoughtfully and for caring about a stranger on the internet. I think I’ll go ahead and close this thread now (didn’t know I had the power to do that!). Cheers.