(Closed) is a friendship worth it if you have to work so hard?

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
1638 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

I totally understand what you are saying, it’s happened to me. I just decided I wasn’t going to try. I didn’t go out of my way to hang out with person X or to call. I wasn’t mean or rude, I just live a different life than person X and I don’t want to hear about her life drama & boy troubles that she brings on herself. I still occasionally get together with her every 2-3 months or so but that’s all I can handle. If you can’t handle it and are ready to end the friendship my advice is to be honest. Tell this person that your friendship has run it’s course and you enjoyed the years you were friends and wish to remain civil however you no longer have anything in common and think it’s best you go your seperate ways. I especially recommend this is the friend is just causing drama etc, it’s just bringing you down.

Post # 4
Member
222 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

@iheartnerdyboys: I completely understand.

I’ve had several friendships (including current ones) where it just feels like you really have to try so hard just to find the energy to see them. I have one friend in particular who always tries to put me down by patronising me ( she finished university a couple of years ago whereas I’ve been there longer due to changing courses), asking me whether I have a job yet, and even going so far as asking me how I was affording to live with my partner! Nice. I used to consider her a close friend but she’s totally reliant on her partner for her social life, and has zero friends outside of his (except me and a couple of others she knew during school/college).

Post # 5
Member
4159 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

I’ve recently lost 2 friends due to me feeling like I was the one trying to keep the friendships afloat.  And I feel like I have a couple more that are headed that direction too.  It’s a two way street man, and if they’re not going to contribute, then I’m sick of trying to make it work.

Post # 6
Member
222 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

@Ryansgirl: Bravo! It’s a shame to lose friends that way but like you said, if they don’t seem to care, why should you?

Post # 7
Member
1493 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2009

@iheartnerdyboys: I’ve gone through this as well. Both of them I met in college and remained friends. I was close with both of them and visited one more than the other. The one I visited, I thought for sure I would be in her wedding back in 07. Instead, her general behavior and demeanor completely changed. I called her to wish her congratulations on her engagement and she was really, really rude to me. I was invited to her wedding, didn’t attend, and sent a gift. I sent her an invitation to my wedding in 09 and she didn’t attend or send a gift. To me, she’s just a rude former college friend who put a lot of effort in only to be hurt by her.

My other friend is my bestie. We’ve both been Maid/Matron of Honor in each other’s weddings. She was really upset when I told her about the other girl’s behavior. I’ve remained close with her even as she went through a separation with her husband. She’s the friend I would do anything for because she knows what it is to be a good, loyal friend. It’s been hard at times to be her friend when she’s been going through things or insulating herself when she got back together with her husband. Either way, I’ll always be there for her no matter what. She does the same thing for me.

Post # 8
Member
3943 posts
Honey bee

Yup, I have 2 friends that I had to drop recenetly. Even though they were really toxic, I was nervous about dropping them because we have mutual friends. But I did and its been SOO much better. They created so much drama and were constantly talking about friends behind their backs. Its so hard to find time for the friends I truely care about, I wasn’t about to make time for friends that were so mean to be around.

Post # 9
Member
5183 posts
Bee Keeper

Yes! I had a friend I had to nix recently! She and I had one of those relationships where I had to put forth all the effort and I was just tired of it. She did a lot to help me out at one time and it was sad to let her go but it was totally called for. We had a tiff and I invited her to lunch and wedding stuff (she was also a bridesmaid) to try and resolve the issue and right as I thought it was over..I got news that things were happening behind my back. I am the type to keep just a few close friends rather than many distant ones and one thing that is mutual with all of my friends is trust. I am not in highschool anymore and can’t deal with people who act like they are.

Post # 10
Member
6065 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 2012

@Bostongrl25: I also gradually seperated myself from a friend that was just awful, but was nervous about it since we have mutual friends. Since I live out of town, it makes it easy, but it does get awkward sometimes…especially now that she won’t be invited to the wedding!

I have friends though that are more “high maintenence” lets say, but I feel genuine love from them, which makes the friendship valuable to me. With this other friend though, I just felt jealousy, competitiveness and bad intentions overall…no good.

@iheartnerdyboys: friendships have got to be a give and take- there are some periods when the give is more or the take is more…but if overall you feel that the love and care you give is never reciprocated….time to let go.

Post # 11
Member
6661 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2010

As an experiment recently I stopped contacting two friends who I had been feeling this way about for a while and the friendships died. One friend was going in a totally different direction in her life and I actually didn’t agree with some of the choices she was making (they were illegal and a way to get out of work but still get paid) and the other friend was still living off of her rich father but flaunting her expensive clothes and going to grad school abroad. I got sick of her FB updates “Anyone going to be in Dubai for the new year?” meanwhile I knew her father was 100% footing the bill as she never had a paying job in her whole life, but she flaunted her lifestyle like she had just been successful or something. So yeah, I was judgy in both situations, but I felt like the choices they were making were really driving us apart. That and the fact that I was always teh one to suggest hanging out and had to come up with a plan every time.

Post # 12
Member
283 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

I am the type of person who expects a lot from my friends because I give so much to my friendships. As a result, while I believe that every meaningful relationship in life will get difficult and require “work” as some point, I don’t believe I should ever be the only one working.

From what you’ve said, it sounds like you are the only one trying. This doesn’t mean that you friends are bad people, or that they suddenly think less of you. Relationships evolve as people do, and when stress and strain become far more frequent than happiness and enjoyment of eachother’s company, it is probably best to let those friendships go.

Post # 13
Member
222 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

@Sunshining: I am the type of person who expects a lot from my friends because I give so much to my friendships. As a result, while I believe that every meaningful relationship in life will get difficult and require “work” as some point, I don’t believe I should ever be the only one working.

^ This is exactly how I feel.

Post # 14
Member
1573 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

yeah, I say my biggest pet peeve right now is the energy I give in a friendship; with my current friends I’ve noticed a pattern after awhile, sometimes, I always have to do the inviting, and it gets draining and so easy for friends to say sorry busy that day which is fine but then I rarely get a return invitation, it’s very draining to go out of my way to plan something; I notice, the friends I am closest to or feel more connected are the ones who will also go out of their way to invite me to hang out-it’s give and take; after awhile, I’m get a little tired, if some of them really want to stay in touch then they can do the inviting, feels like in some friendships it’s all give give giveon my part,if there’s no reciprocation I guess we’re not really that close; which is true, a few friends I invited to my wedding, I wasnt even invited to their birthdays, same people who never do any inviting; but only time will tell which friends stand the test of time; I think in the future I’m going to be more picky next time I throw a big party or celebration

soem friends have drama in their lives but I completely understand they will get over it, once upon in my life I was in their place, I wouldnt cut them out just because they had some boy trouble; but when its all one sided give give give, whew, very draining

Post # 15
Member
899 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

I lost a whole group do friends when I broke up with my ex, and as a result I’ve spent quite a lot of time feeling like I don’t have a LOT of friends and that my social life is pretty rubbish. Now (finally!) I’ve realised that I have a small group of great friends who I love to pieces. We don’t see them too often as most of then are between 1 and 3 hours away and are having babies, but that really doesn’t matter. Most of the “lost” friends I would probably had to distance myself from anyway. You know the people you really want to keep. Don’t be afraid of loosing the others!

Post # 16
Member
1144 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

yeah…I’ve been there as well. Well, I’m actually still daeling with this with a few friends and family.

The topic ‘is a friendship worth it if you have to work so hard?’ is closed to new replies.

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