(Closed) Is a gift expected when not attending a wedding?

posted 4 years ago in Etiquette
  • poll: Sending a gift when not attending a wedding?

    Yes

    No

  • Post # 2
    Member
    10541 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: August 2016

    It depends on my relationship to the people getting married. But usually, I don’t send a gift if I don’t go to the wedding.

    Post # 3
    Member
    6921 posts
    Busy Beekeeper

    I believe the answer is “no, a gift is not expected”  That said, I’d feel like a terrible person if I didn’t give one unless I was invited to the wedding of my mortal enemy or someone else I just didn’t really know.  For example back in college, I was invited to the wedding of someone I knew for about 2 weeks.  Id idn’t attend and didn’t send a gift.  She’s a lovely person and we became friends while at college, but it was just odd to me at the time.

    Post # 4
    Member
    7892 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper

    I don’t think you have to give a gift if you’re not attending the wedding, but it can be a way to show your love and support for the newlyweds. If I weren’t able to attend my sister’s wedding, I would definitely send a gift. For a distant friend or family member, I might be less inclined to do so. 

    Post # 5
    Member
    492 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: December 2014

    I usually send a gift even if I can’t attend, but because I want to, not because I think the bride expects it of me.  I think the expectation of a gift from every invitee is really annoying! 

    Post # 6
    Member
    6978 posts
    Busy Beekeeper
    • Wedding: April 2016

    I always give a gift, even if I can’t make the wedding. However, if I can’t make the wedding my gift is usually less than usual because then I’m not worried about covering my plate. The 2 weddings my husband and I haven’t been able to attend, we sent a check for $100. 

    Post # 7
    Member
    2668 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: December 2016

    I really think it depends on your relationship with the couple. A close friend or family member? Yes, I’d send a gift or give them one the next time I saw them. An acquaintance or more distant family member? I’d probably send them a card but would leave it at that.

    Post # 8
    Member
    319 posts
    Helper bee

    I always send a gift even if I don t attend. It’s polite and I am always honored to be invited. 

    Post # 9
    Member
    101 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: July 2013

    I, personally would always send a gift. That is my nature. If we aren’t that close then it would be a smaller gift card for dinner out or something like that. That being said, 95% of guest who were unable to come to our wedding did not send us a gift, and I did not expect one.

    Post # 10
    Member
    2803 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: May 2016

    Absolutely not…BUT… Whoa, do I have a crazy respect for those that did send one.. Though NO bad thoughts on those that did not,

    Post # 11
    Member
    143 posts
    Blushing bee

    View original reply
    bellanotte11:  This may come off as harsh, but whether or not I send a gift if I’m not attending is dependent on why I feel the couple invited me. For most of the weddings my husband and I were invited to over the last few years, we sent a gift if not attending because they were our close friends and we wanted to wish them well, but extenuating circumstances kept us from attending. However, I have been invited to weddings for members of my extended family whom I don’t regularly socialize with. Some of them have included registry information with the invitation. In those cases, I made a judgement call and assumed that they invited more people hoping for more presents (and I have experience with family members to back this up). In cases like those, I might send a card, but I won’t send a gift. The alternate way of looking at it is to think of how you would feel about friends who didn’t attend your wedding and didn’t send a gift. I had friends who did that, and I didn’t think it was rude at all. It comes down to knowing your audience.

    Post # 12
    Member
    1350 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: September 2017

    I give a gift if I wanted to be at the wedding and couldn’t.  It’s usually smaller in scale then if I was attending the wedding. 

    Post # 13
    Member
    47444 posts
    Honey Beekeeper
    • Wedding: November 1999

    View original reply
    bellanotte11:  Gifts should never be expected, but if I am close enough to a couple to be invited to their wedding, I would send them a gift if I couldn’t attend. My good wishes for them do not depend on my calendar.

    Post # 14
    Member
    5870 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: April 2013

    View original reply
    bellanotte11:  Well technically a gift is never expected, right?  But customarily, people do usually send a gift.

    I have declined my first wedding invite this year and I’m pretty sure I won’t send anything.  I don’t think the friend is expecting it plus she didn’t send a gift when she declined for my wedding (we both had/are having DWs).  

    If she were a close friend I’d send a gift, but we no longer see each other often.  I don’t think it’s a big deal.

    Post # 15
    Member
    694 posts
    Busy bee

    I always send a gift either way. If I don’t attend, and I don’t know the couple very well, I just pick out something in the $20-30 range off their registry. DH and I make decent money, so it is not usually a problem. I enjoy giving gifts though.

    For what it’s worth, I tend to be a little bit more traditional as far as etiquette. I think always sending a gift (no matter the price) is encouraged by Emily Post… That’s who I usually default to in gray situations. It’s becoming more common to see people not send anything if they don’t attend though.

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