- 2 months ago
- Wedding: September 2018 - City, State
I feel like this is a topic that comes up on these boards frequently, and I’m curious about others’ thoughts. On the one hand, a wedding is (typically) a once-in-a-lifetime event that holds a lot of meaning for people. A couple of my guests didn’t make it due to freak weather and I was sad for that. On the other hand, it’s still just a party, and shit happens. Budgets, milestones, even just desire to/comfort with travel all come into play. It seems like every time destination weddings come up, someone pops in to “remind” posters that “The people who REALLY matter will be able to make it work!” when that simply isn’t always true. Money and time are finite and we all have to make tough calls sometimes. I don’t see declining an invitation graciously as an act of hostility against the couple getting married, and would hope my friends/family feel similarly.
This question arose in my non-WB life most recently over a friend from college. We were in an interest group together (think: akin to a theater club, but slightly different) and were relatively close-ish for maybe 18 months. This was over ten years ago, and since then we’ve gotten drinks a few times and will sometimes “like” each others’ social media. She’s getting married early fall and I’m happy for her. I’ve never met her future husband, but they look cute together. Our whole interest group seems to have been invited so I think she’s inviting by “circle” rather than by specific relationship to individuals. It’s a Saturday daytime affair in an out-of-the-way Midwestern town, so getting there for me would be possible but problematic. I get very, very few days off in my job (like 8 PTO days per year) so I’d have to take a late evening flight on Friday (with a connection so total air travel of like 4-5 hours), land well after midnight, rent a car, drive about two hours in the dark to her family’s hometown, nap/shower/whatever for a few hours, and be ready to party by noon on Saturday. Total travel cost of flights + car + hotel in their block = ~$770, for just me (husband wouldn’t come). Gift, outfit, meals, and incidentals would be extra. I would do this for a sibling, but for someone I last spoke to via Facebook messenger in 2017? Not as keen. I am still planning on chipping in $100 or so to their Honeyfund and sending a thoughtful card. If we see each other again at a reunion or something, I’ll be happy to catch up over scotch. Until then, I’m fine with the way things are.
I was talking to friend who opined that this is a “friendship ending move,” and I need to be prepared for tangible backlash. Unfriended on Facebook, awkwardness with mutual friends, who knows. I’m generally not of the opinion that non-attendance at a wedding is a friendship ending move unless … IDK, you’re the Maid/Matron of Honor and you no-show because of your hangover or something. (ETA: Yeah, I’m still definitely not going, regardless of my meta’s perspective lol. Sticking with the gift/card plan.)
But yeah, I’m interested in others’ ideas: thoughts on RSVPing no? Either in this situationn or in others? What extenuating factors would make it better or worse?