Is a skipped wedding really "friendship ending"? (General discussion + poll)

posted 6 months ago in Guests
  • poll: Responding "No" to a wedding invite is ...
    ... rude and unforgivable in ALL circumstances. Automatic relationship killer. : (1 votes)
    0 %
    ... v. frowned upon, but acceptable with a true extenuating circumstance (ex: pregnancy due date). : (19 votes)
    8 %
    ... a completely acceptable option for destination weddings, but not OK for local ones. : (17 votes)
    7 %
    ... neutral, could be ok or not depending on the closeness of relationship. : (89 votes)
    39 %
    ... totally fine for any reason. It's not a summons! : (96 votes)
    42 %
    OTHER / I'll post in the comments : (9 votes)
    4 %
  • Post # 16
    Member
    2897 posts
    Sugar bee

    If not going to a wedding is a friendship ending move, then I would assume that friendship has many other problems that aren’t related to the wedding at all.

     

    Post # 17
    Member
    799 posts
    Busy bee

    Definitely not, but I did have a few callous declines (i.e. they sent back their RSVP with a “no” and said nothing about it) from people I thought I was closer to (and then seeing them on instagram like camping or something during my wedding weekend) that made me re-evaluate our friendship

    Post # 18
    Member
    1606 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: May 2019 - City, State

    Absolutely not, it’s so weird to me that anyone would consider it a friendship ending move. Sure, it’s disappointing but unless that person literally told me “No, I am not coming and I don’t want to be friends with you anymore.” I would absolutely not think anything of a friend declining to come for any reason. 

    I had friends decline to come to my wedding, I’ve declined on some friends weddings, one friend didn’t even invite me – we all still talk and are friends. A lack of invite to or attendance of a wedding does not make or break a friendship, and if it does that probably wasn’t a very good friendship to begin with.

    Post # 19
    Member
    9799 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: August 2016

    I had several friends unable to attend my wedding for various reasons and it never even occurred to me to end my friendship with them.

    There are probably some rarer situations where it could be friendship ending but I would think more than just missing a wedding was going on.

    Post # 20
    Member
    8260 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper

    Horseradish :  I agree with everything but the last statement. Blowing people off is SO rude and relationship ending for me. I have a step-cousin that I had to hound for her RSVP (she then apologized profusely and said of course she would be there) and then she no-showed. And the next day I saw her facebook posts that she was “just chilling at home…totally bored” during my wedding and never once apologized or acknowledged she blew off my wedding. I stopped making any effort with her after that and I just laughed and ignored her message when she reached out to me the other day for help with some nonsense. You blow off my wedding and then the first time I hear from you in nearly 5 years and you want a favor? Get out of here. I ain’t got time for self-centered selfish people. 

    Post # 21
    Member
    4521 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: September 2012

    I had some friends who couldn’t/didn’t attend my wedding for and it never occurred to me that it would affect our friendship (for the record, it didn’t). I cannot think of a single friend who would end our friendship if I missed their wedding either. 

    I can see people being hurt by not being INVITED, but ending a relationship because the potential guest couldn’t attend? That’s ridiculous.

    Post # 22
    Member
    685 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: October 2018

    There are some very few instances which would have caused me to seriously review a friendship because of a no RSVP.

    I would have completely understood if some of my friends from different countries would have said no. Flying is expensive and money doesn’t grow on trees.

    My sister lives a 6h drive away and has 2 young children. If she had said no or cancelled at short notice, I wouldn’t have held it against her.

    One friend told me after the wedding she considered not coming because she was having relationship problems. I would have completely understood.

    If somebody had fallen ill, obviously I would have understood.

     

    I think the only reasons for missing my wedding that would have made me REALLY cross would have been a blatant disregard for trying to come. One of my friends, for example, has a very sensitive stomach. Throughout the years, he’s missed several birthday parties and other get-togethers because he absolutely had to eat unwisely the day before. He KNOWS that this happens. If he had missed my wedding because overindulging on the day before had been more important, it would have made me very angry and sad. Or if somebody had decided to get wasted and had been to hung over.

     

    But really in MOST cases, I would have completely understood.

    Post # 23
    Member
    1287 posts
    Bumble bee

    I had a friendship end due to missing her wedding. My ex-MIL was in town visiting and had a diabetic episode after her flight. My ex husband was still working, and I took her to the hospital, which of course ran over into the time I would have been getting ready for/attending the wedding. I sent my friend and our mutual friend, who was a bridesmaid, a quick text explaining the situation. I apologized up and down, had already sent a gift and card. It’s not like I wasn’t excited for her wedding. It sucked to miss it. 

    She told me later, when I apologized again in person, that it was no excuse— my ex husband should have taken off of work early, and I should have attended without him while he cared for his mother. We just didn’t have the ability to do that. Shit happens. 

    I was pretty crushed at the time, but I was the one who ultimately ended the friendship. She took every opportunity to remind me that I missed her wedding, so I faded out. I don’t miss that pettiness. 

    Post # 24
    Member
    1657 posts
    Bumble bee

    I had told a dear friend i would attend her destination wedding several times over the course of a year. Then I got pregnant. Then I lost the baby. She knew none of this and I backed out. Luckily she didn’t ask why. Not sure what I would have said. I was pretty depressed that wedding season and declined many other invitations. We are still friends as before but I always wonder if she is wondering why I suddenly backed out.

    Post # 26
    Member
    606 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: August 2019

    I posted “okay if it’s a destination wedding, not okay if it’s local” because that was the closest option. I think that there are a variety of extenuating circumstances that would make a local wedding hard/impossible to attend: previous plans, pregnancy, severe personal crisis, etc. That being said, I’d be pretty irked if a local close friend with no outside obligations/extenuating circumstances didn’t come, if I’m being honest. 

    Beyond that, it’s an invite, not a summons, especially for destination weddings. 

    Post # 27
    Member
    1735 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: June 2019

    108 people couldn’t come to my wedding. 108.

    Honestly, if I was going to be petty about it, that’s a lot of fkn people to remember to hate. I don’t care if you live next door and you’re my closest friend in the world. You do NOT have to come. Jeez.

    Be nice humans, y’all. The world revolves around the sun. Not you. 

    Post # 28
    Member
    564 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: September 2020 - Summer Camp!

    AnonBee2019 :  Yeah, I think it’s reasonable to question how close someone is if they don’t give a reason/send some sort of congratulations, especially if it’s a non-destination wedding. Not friendship-ending for sure, but enough that I’d be less inclined to drop something for them/invest a lot of effort into the friendship. 

    Post # 29
    Member
    1205 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: July 2019

    mrstschida :  what?? If my own very best friend was vague with me about declining a wedding invite let alone being in her wedding party I would be very hurt and confused that she couldn’t open up to. If you cant be completely open and honest with your own best friend who can you be?

    Post # 30
    Member
    1205 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: July 2019

    chocolateplease :  see this i dont get if she is a dear friend not just a casual friend why couldn’t you be honest with her? That’s a pretty big thing about your life not to tell your friend. If a supposedly close friend didnt tell me that I would be hurt and would probably question how close we really were and dial back.

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