Is a skipped wedding really "friendship ending"? (General discussion + poll)

posted 6 months ago in Guests
  • poll: Responding "No" to a wedding invite is ...
    ... rude and unforgivable in ALL circumstances. Automatic relationship killer. : (1 votes)
    0 %
    ... v. frowned upon, but acceptable with a true extenuating circumstance (ex: pregnancy due date). : (19 votes)
    8 %
    ... a completely acceptable option for destination weddings, but not OK for local ones. : (17 votes)
    7 %
    ... neutral, could be ok or not depending on the closeness of relationship. : (89 votes)
    39 %
    ... totally fine for any reason. It's not a summons! : (96 votes)
    42 %
    OTHER / I'll post in the comments : (9 votes)
    4 %
  • Post # 46
    Member
    1209 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: July 2019

    dianaj17 :  Maybe its a regional/location thing but if I’m close friends with someone I don’t see why what the big deal is or what is the shame in saying hey x, y, and z is going in isn’t part of being close friends/family with someone to have that comfort to share? If my close friends were just like sorry I have shit going on I cant nake it to your wedding I would think they are just making something up to get out of going to my wedding otherwise I wouldnt be vague with a friend I would be like sorry x, y, and z is happening…

    Post # 47
    Member
    1209 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: July 2019

    chelbell23 :  well obviously your bff doesnt need to know every little tiny detail but you know that’s not what I meant but the big things yeah I would be hurt if she felt she couldn’t open up to me. Maybe i don’t like surface level friendships and I just have different needs/expectations when it comes to close friendships. 🙍When i hear bff I think of someone that you trust more than just about anyone else. 

     

    Post # 48
    Member
    1209 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: July 2019

    moissamight :  I 100% agree with you and i find with these types of posts on the bee I notice a pattern where we are supposed to always be 100% understanding no matter the reason the friend or family member declines but god forbid a bride shows human feelings about someone not attending that’s not ever acceptable. Friendship works both ways.

    Post # 49
    Member
    198 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: December 1969 - Montsalvat, Victoria

    OP, I think you would be fine in this case to graciously decline. For me it would only be “friendship ending” if someone RSVP’d yes to my wedding and then didn’t show up without a text/phone call at some point thereafter explaining what happened. People have lives, emergencies come up and more generally, your wedding day is a big deal for YOU but everyone else’s lives kind of just carry on as per normal. In your situation I think it’s understandable to not attend. 

    Post # 50
    Member
    762 posts
    Busy bee

    I just declined my first cousin’s wedding. Mainly because I haven’t seen him or even spoken to him since 2013 (our parents had a falling out that lasted a few years). The wedding is a 4-hour flight + a two-hour drive away. And we honestly can’t spare the money right now due to paying for IVF. So I bought a nice gift off the registry and sent them a nice note. 

    As for my wedding, a pregnant friend declined because of zika (wedding was in FL during the height of the scare a few years ago). Life happens. What can you do 

    Post # 51
    Member
    861 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: July 2012

    I wouldn’t end a relationship over not coming to my wedding. It is disappointing because you want loved ones there, but it’s their choice.

    I do admit I was very disappointed and a bit angry that my cousin, who is more like a close friend texted me the day before because she couldn’t get a ride and ‘didn’t want to pay for the bus’ (she was 2 hours away), but I told her how I felt and we put it behind us. 

     

    Post # 52
    Member
    33 posts
    Newbee

    It was for me once. My BFF of a few years were getting married. Then under a week before the wedding I found out that my (now ex ) boyfriend had an affair for a long time and he ended it with me.

    I told her how sorry I was, but I couldn’t go. She ended our friendship then and there. 

    A few years later she apologized, and we tried to make our friendship work again. But it didn’t. She still felt I let her down, and I felt let down in some way as well. 

     

    Post # 53
    Member
    1606 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: May 2019 - City, State

    soexcited123 :  You are just not getting it. It has literally NOTHING to do with the level of trust or how close the friendship is. I’m not talking hiding bad news that eventually you have to share with people or people will find out another way, i.e. my grandmother died, I lost my job and can’t afford the trip, I got sick and can’t make it; I’m talking personal trauma that will never see the light of day if you don’t say anything. Maybe you’ve just never been in this position – that’s great and I truly hope you never are – but there are some things that happen that you just do not want to talk about, say out loud, think about, or admit. There are things that I’ve struggled to admit to MYSELF let alone my best friend. That doesn’t mean my friendships are “surface level.” It has absolutely NOTHING to do with how much I trust my friends and honestly if any of my friends ever think that me not telling them about something like that is in ANY way about them – they are self centered and I’m going to reevaluate the friendship. Like yeah I’m sorry I didn’t tell you about this thing I don’t ever want to think about or remember happened to me and struggled to admit to myself or my now husband, how closed off of me. I’m so sorry that me not sharing my pain with you has caused you pain, how can I make it up to you? 

    Bottom line is a certain level or expectation of trust does NOT entitle you to know something that is going on in someone else’s life and is says NOTHING about the level of trust between you or the closeness of your friendship. If you think that being “best friends” means they should automatically be comfortable discussing anything and everything with you, and if they aren’t comfortable discussing something that makes the whole friendship a “surface” friendship, or you think that it is somehow at all, in any way, about YOU – that makes you self centered and entitled.

    Also no one is saying that you’re not allowed to have feelings or be disappointed that a friend declines. Being disappointed is natural. I was disappointed when a couple of my friends declined, but I know that it was not a personal slight against me. But ending an otherwise healthy friendship simply because someone can’t come to your wedding is VERY dramatic and OTT. 

    Post # 54
    Member
    1888 posts
    Buzzing bee

    Here are my list of circumstances that would cause an end of friendship if they didn’t attend my wedding. 

    – if it was a best friend for a long time, not just a lukewarm friend but BEST FRIEND. 

    – If they make the effort to travel regularly and to simply visit other not as close friends, but suddenly can’t attend a wedding for their best friend when the travel would be the same cost/ time. 

    – when they have already been behaving like a jealous asshole the second you got in that relationship and or got engaged. 

    – when you suspect their motive for not attending is bc they are jealous, trying to be hurtful, and think there are no consequences to the friendship for not attending your wedding to be hurtful to you, or to “send a message” something. 

    – when the whole friendship they have gotten a lot out of you but don’t give anything in return. 

    – if they got married first and expected a lot from you in terms of planning, being in the wedding, purchasing a bridesmaid dress, throwing a shower or Bach party. But now that it’s your turn they can’t return the favor. ( I have a particularly hard time with this scenario because it happens a lot, if you don’t want to have to return those favors then you shouldn’t ask people to do it for you. Simple. But it’s not ok that the people who get married first in a friend group or family get everything and the people last get nothing.)

    And btw If it’s a money issue? To have my bff there I’d gladly help with the cost. 

    Post # 55
    Member
    1048 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: May 2019

    I mean, my brother had to miss my wedding. It’s an 18 hour flight, and he has four kids under 10 and a wife who suffers from debilitating migraines. I completely understood and our relationship is unchanged.

    Post # 57
    Member
    206 posts
    Helper bee

    chelbell23 :  not attending is one thing. Not being invited is completely different. That person isn’t your friend, & I’m surprised you’re ok with this. 

    Post # 58
    Member
    14 posts
    Newbee

    daxsymbiote I had the exact same thing happen to me. My best friend of over 20 years cut off all contact with me and unfriended me on social media because I couldn’t attend her destination wedding in another country. At the time me and Darling Husband had a lot of tough personal stuff going on and we were trying to save to buy a house before our lease was up and just couldn’t afford it.  

    Post # 59
    Member
    2064 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: February 2016

    manylovesbee1 :  I answered other.

    My husband invited two friends to our wedding. Friend 1 RSVP’d no and that was fine, we didn’t pry but she did offer that it was her grandfather’s 90th birthday on the same day. It would have also been fine had she just not been able to make it due to travel and costs. Their friendship is stil in tact.

    Friend 2 – RSVP’d yes but didn’t turn up. They didn’t send a ‘sorry we can’t make it’ or even after a ‘sorry we missed it’. No acknlowdgment that we got married, despite them saying they’d attend our wedding. That killed the friendship. We would have been fine with someone not turning up and cancelling last minute, we had a few other who cancelled a few days before. It was the fact they no showed and clearly didn’t think of us enough to contact us after.

    Post # 60
    Member
    169 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: October 2019

    I RSVP’d no to a friend’s wedding because I hated her fiance (he was emotionally abusive towards her). I didn’t offer an explanation as to why I wasn’t coming but I told her before he proposed that she could do better and didn’t deserve the crap he put her through. Idk I just couldn’t go to their wedding and act like them getting married would be a joyous occasion. Needless to say we haven’t spoken since, but she’s petty like that.

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