Post # 1
Ive been in a relationship with my current bf for 4 years. We have a 2 year old. The beginning of our relationship was full of verbal and emotional abuse, and physical aggression. Hes since stopped being that way but i feel like everything thats happened in the past has affected me.
Im sensitive to everything he says and I feel like he undermines me and makes me feel embarassed, which Ive told him but he said he doesnt notice or does it to hurt me intentionally. Everything about me bothers me although he tries to fix those things (ie: I fussed about having to clean, and he now helps clean) the worst thing that bugged me was the couple times hes made me feel that OUR child is just MY responsibility (ie: I told him I was going to a relatives graduation 2 hrs away and had to leave at 6am, and he said hes going to workout 10 mins away at 9am, but he said that I had to make the sacrifice to drop our son off at the sitters.. another time I went out and stayed out late with friends while he stayed home with our kid and his other son from previous marriage, and that I was not going to sleep in cause he was “stuck” taking care of the kids night before, mind you I put my son to bed everynight and am the one who gets up when our son wakes up 3-5x a night) I find him attractive but am not interested in sex.
Needless to say, everything about him bothers me, and I feel my best when hes not around. Ive done things to boost my mood such as cuttung my hair and enrolling in school, maybe as a distraction also idk. But he is a great father, is loyal, never cheated, and I know he loves me and is attracted to me, but did I fall out of love with him? Idk how to fix it and I feel so guilty for him and for my son and dont know what to do. And I feel like “the one” for me got away, so this is truly the best Im gonna do. Im so lost.
Post # 2
You need to dump him and move on.
Post # 3
You can’t fix selfishness and entitlement. You either tolerate it or you leave.
Post # 4
. . . undermines me and makes me feel embarrassed.
. . . . our relationship was full of verbal and emotional abuse and physical aggression.
. . . everything about him bothers me.
. . . I feel my best when he’s not around.
Seriously, Bee? There is nothing good here. Please do not kid yourself about abuse. It does not just magically go away. He is still an abuser. He will abuse again.
You have a precious child to think about. Is this the ideal role model for your baby? Your bf is not a ‘great’ father. He’s a terrible father. Great father’s don’t treat the mothers of their children like crap. Great fathers joyfully accept responsibility for their children.
’Never cheated’ is not the high bar. That’s a bare minimum.
Get yourself and your precious little one away from this guy as fast as you safely can.
Post # 5
he’s a great father but he acts as though your child is solely your responsibility, and he acts like a hero for “babysitting” the child you have together and his child from his previous marriage? I’m sorry but how does that equate to a great father? He doesn’t sound like a great person, period. I wouldn’t have stuck around the moment he began being verbally abusive. Is the fact that he hasn’t cheated really the bar you’re setting here? Love yourself, bee. There’s no way you can tell me you love yourself if this is the standard you’re setting for yourself. Don’t set the example for your child that this is what a marriage is like.
ETA – this is the same advice you got years ago. https://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/what-should-i-do-70/
Post # 6
He sounds like a terrible partner and a terrible father. You’d be better off without him. And maybe eventually with a new guy who treats you like a queen and actually wants to help raise his (step)son!
Post # 7
Oh, geeze. This is one awful toxic stew. No child deserves to be brought up with this jerk in the house.
OP, for the love of gawd, leave. Get counseling. But, leave.
Post # 8
sorry bee, but hes never going to change. I know you know YOU deserve BETTER. I have met too many women in your situation. they never get married, they never are happy they are only too comfortable. too many excusues not to leave. the kids, the house, the bills the debt. Your son is small now, but one day he is going to pay attnention to how his dad treats his mom. and he will either get with the system (putting you down) or you stick up for yourself and teach him to Respect his mom and how to treat a woman.u cant change ur man, but your give your son a chance, raise to be the man you will be proud of. sometimes women have to do it by oneself.
you will never be alone! courage bee!
Post # 9
Yes sweetie, all hope is lost and it’s his fault. This apathy and irritability you’re feeling is completely natural and expected given the background. It is your brain and heart — and nature itself — telling you to leave this guy. He is not a great father. Not by a long shot. The only thing he’s great at is manipulating you into thinking he’s the best you can do. He’s not. Don’t raise your son around this, thinking this is normal. It’s better to be on your own and peaceful than with someone and always on edge. Gather up your strength, lean on your support systems, move out, and move on. Best wishes.
Post # 10
…The beginning of our relationship was full of verbal and emotional abuse, and physical aggression…
…I feel like he undermines me and makes me feel embarassed…
…everything about him bothers me, and I feel my best when hes not around…
…I feel like “the one” for me got away, so this is truly the best Im gonna do…
Honey, why are you still with this guy? Why did you stay after the first time he was abusive… let alone the 5th, 10th, 20th….? Just because he’s stopped being physically and overtly verbally abusive for now doesn’t mean he won’t ever do it again – chances are he will – and he is still abusing you emotionally.
I think everything about him that bothers you, and the fact that you don’t want to be physically intimate with him, is your subconscious screaming at you that he is toxic and you should not be with him. Yes, all hope is lost. Tine to walk away.
The idea of there being just one “the one” for everyone is a bullshit myth. The perfect guy for you might be waiting just around the corner, but you’ll never know as long as you’re slowly dying in your current toxic relationship. And to be honest, its better to be alone than stuck with the wrong person out of fear that you can’t do any better.
Big hugs x
ETA: just seen the note about your thread from 3 years ago and had a quick look. WTF are you still doing with this same guy? Does he have to physically have to break you or one of the kids before it dawns on you that the relationship is toxic? All hope was lost THREE YEARS AGO – why are you still even thinking about it?
Please, have a bit of self-respect and put yourself and the well-being of your child first. Take control of your own destiny. Walk away NOW.
Post # 11
“I feel my best when hes not around..”
Bee please leave the relationship. I know it’ll be hard, but you deserve better.
Post # 12
I know, but the verbal and emotional abuse had stopped, which is why I stayed (at least I’d like to think so). That’s why I’m unsure if I was feeling this way for legitimate reasons or just because I’m overly sensitive due to what happened in the past.
Post # 13
The verbal and emotional abuse and physical aggression had stopped which is why I stuck around. I figured because that had stopped things would get better, but now I’m just feeling down and hopeless and frankly, irritable, and I wasn’t sure if it was due to me just being too sensitve because of what we went through in the past or for other deeper reasons. I like to give people chances to prove themselves because I feel like people can change. Before he met me, he was an addict, but has been 8 years clean.. that gave me hope that if he can do that then how can not change for the better as a person overall.
Post # 14
I don’t think he’s manipulating me to thinking he’s the best I can do, he doesn’t say anything along those lines. That’s just how I feel deep down. I wouldn’t say he’s a bad person. He’s done a lot to help me and to help others in his line of work. I’m just not sure what it is.
Post # 15
So, your relationship timeline (based off of this post and the previous post that I included a link to in my last comment) –
Been together 4 years
He was emotionally and verbally abusive at the beginning of your relationship (including when you were pregnant with his child)
You were accused of “cheating” for having lunch with a male friend, and the only reason you didn’t tell him is because he’s insanely jealous (read: controlling)
Your child is now 2 years old. So sometime between your post from 3 years ago and this post, the abuse “stopped”
Now, and presumably ever since you had his child 2 years ago, he expects you to do everything for the child and acts like a superstar when he does the bare minimum
Soooooo is that an accurate timeline? We went from verbal and emotional abuse, to being a lazy ass father and partner? Wow, he’s really stepped up his game in the past few years.