(Closed) Is an LDR worth it if there’s no end in sight?

posted 8 years ago in Long Distance Relationships
Post # 3
Member
73 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: March 2011

Good luck!  I know this is a tough situation.  Fiance (then BF) and I were in an LDR for about a year and a half before I moved to where he was going to grad school.  Now he’s graduated and we’re back in an LDR until we get married and I move out to be with him.  So I’ll end up moving twice to be with him. 

For me, the first move was a tough decision because I NEVER thought I would be the kind of girl who moved for a guy.  But ultimately we reached a plateau in our relationship and we had to see what it was like to live in the same city before we could commit our lives to each other.  We loved each other, but we needed to be together day-to-day to see if we could make it work.  And as far as deciding who would actually move, it just made sense for me to move since my job was finished and he was still in grad school.  But I have to say I lined up a job before I was even willing to consider moving–I would have NEVER moved without a job in place.  I would have been really uncomfortable with the thought of being dependent on him that way.  I also had to consider whether it was the type of place I could be happy on my own, where I could make my own friends and establish my own life outside of him.  It was challenging, but I’m glad I did it since it helped us feel confident about getting married.

In terms of advice, I would say it would be good if you could line up a job for yourself just to make sure you wouldn’t be totally relying on him.  Would you be comfortable really settling in and making Nashville your home, even if you two broke up? 

That’s so hard that he kind of freaked out about you moving out there.  I can understand where he’s coming from–I think especially for guys they think they want something and then they freak out a little bit when they might actually get it.  I think it’s a good sign that he could be honest with you about his feelings, but if I were you I might wait a little longer before moving out and wait until you feel like he really wants you there.  I totally know what you mean about needing some type of reassurance that he’s as excited about everything as you are.  When you’re taking a huge step (like moving for a guy), you want to feel like he’s excited about it!

Sorry this was so long!  Good luck with all the decisions!

Post # 4
Member
472 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2010 - Ladder 15 Restaurant

Personally, I would never move to be with someone who wasn’t 1000% positive that they wanted me there.  There should always be an end point to LDRs, or you aren’t being fair to yourself.  I think that even if he “gets over” his freak out, I would still be hesitant because who knows when it might happen again.

Good luck

Post # 5
Member
608 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

I was in the same city as my SO for 2 years before he left for law school in another state.  I decided not to move mostly because I didn’t feel he was at the commitment level I needed to feel comfortable with moving.  Was he committed, very much so but just not at a level I was comfortable with.  I also had 0 other reasons to move other than him.  I hate the town he is in, I know no one, my industry isn’t there.  However, if he had been at the commitment leve i needed I would have moved in a heart beat.  I thnk you have to decide what you need and what you are comfortable with.  I have had friends move across country for SO they have only dated for a few months and they were happy with their decision.  They wanted adventure so it worked.
While I think its impossible to continue to in a LDR forever I think if you wake up every day and he is still worth it and you don’t want anyone else then why now.  You should try to set up some timeline for when you need to make decisions about someone moving or at least start putting the pieces together to make it happen. 

Post # 7
Member
1280 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

Hey there dreaming bee! Glad to hear that you found new love. What I seen friends experience is that long distance relationships can only work if the two people have some kind of future plan to be togther. Perhaps right away is not the answer and too quick but down the line you should set a goal of when you will make the big move if all is going smoothly and it should not require bigger sacrifices from one partner over another. Some even want an engagement prior to uprooting their life but I don’t think that’s necessary unless you are giving up a whole lot and you feel that the other person will drag their feet. What I’ve seen work best is for the two partners to find a new place together to move into so that one doesn’t feel more ownership over another and finding a good job or a place to make friends is also crucial to keeping things from becoming suffocating.

Best of luck to you and remember: you should never have to work that hard to convince someone to want to be closer to you. Offer your side but then drop it and let him come to you organicly and prove he can’t be apart from you.

Cheers,

A

Post # 10
Member
281 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

I have been doing LDR on and off for 7 years. My Fiance is FINALLY going to move to Ottawa *fingers crossed* for September 1. I’ve really put my foot down because I’m sick of planning this wedding from a distance and sick of trying to find a house with him at a distance, and sick of being apart! I’ve told him not I cannot wait (not in the excited way, but in the annoyed way) until Oct 23 for him to move here. My point is that he should get an apt for Sep 1, and we would slowly move stuff into that apt then Oct 23 I would move in with him (I’m renting in room in a townhome).

Over the 7 years we went through some ups and downs. The hardest being when we did grad school in different cities. We were both poor, and didn’t really have the time to spare to do visits (we were about a 7 hour drive apart). We had a super low point at about year 3 or 4 where I was questioning the relationship and contemplating breaking it off. (At some point absence can make the heart wonder instead of grow fonder!) We go through it when we both acknowledged that we needed to make the relationship a priority. His parents’ place was a 3.5 hour drive for each of us, and although it wasn’t ideal, it was a compromise. I really can’t wait (in the exicted way) to actually live together and be together after 7 LONG years.

I wish you all the best!

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