(Closed) Is any amount of bugging the SO ok while waiting?!

posted 4 years ago in Waiting
Post # 17
Member
3257 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

Once I knew DH had the ring, I asked probably twenty times a day. 😂 “Where is my ring? When’s the proposal? Can I have it now? Please? Did you hide it? I want it now. Is it in the room? Am I within arm’s reach? Is it pretty? When do I get it?”

Post # 18
Member
999 posts
Busy bee

Well, if you want advice?

I would tell him to stop bringing it up. That is not fair, considering he doesn’t want you to bring it up.

It sounds like he wants to make the proposal a surprise, but this is your life too.

Have a discussion, and confirm the proposal will be made by “X month”, if you want. 

He can confirm he’s moving ahead with plans and you two can pick a schedule, but the actual proposal day can remain a surprise, if that’s important to him.

Then drop it.

It’s not fair to make you wait on tenterhooks while telling you to stop asking, especially if he brings it up.

Post # 19
Member
1471 posts
Bumble bee

I’m guessing that it’s hard to grasp the consept on why your boyfriend had the right to make a decision on what is the appropriate time for you to get engaged. Especially if he brings it up and you asking about it is “bugging”. I’m assuming you have discussed and agreed that you both want him to plan the proposal as a suprise. I guess this part was unclear in the OP. He is planning something and you’ll have to wait and see. Try to not read too muh into things so you won’t miss out on life. Maybe next time he makes a comment you can tell him to stop hinting so you can avoid the temptation of asking. Good luck x

Post # 20
Member
141 posts
Blushing bee

View original reply
lovelyruby :  hahaha!!

I played dumb and became obsessed with my nails. My Fiance would say cryptic things to me too. I don’t think he was trying to be mean or a jerk — he was just excited and having trouble keeping it inside.

We’re already engaged but now he keeps mentioning to me every few days that he has a surprise for me on a trip coming up in two months. It’s sweet, but I’m kind of like “stop mentioning you have a surprise if you aren’t going to tell me what it is!” haha

Post # 22
Member
3265 posts
Sugar bee

Your latest update really makes me cringe. It sounds like you’re not comfortable doing some sort of intimate thing, and he thinks he’ll get it once he gives you the ring? Gross.

Post # 23
Member
366 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2019

To clarify, I don’t think that he’s a bad boyfriend for not proposing immediately or for planning a surprise for you. My now-FI planned a surprise proposal for me, and he had previously made me think the proposal wasnt happening for like six more months. I’m all for sweet surprises.

The part that I was referring to was that he told you that you aren’t allowed to ask, and that your questions will make him wait longer to propose — but that you said if you don’t mention it for a couple days, he brings it up to tease you and get you upset. My point was that you should tell him that you don’t like him doing that, since he might think it’s funny and you don’t mind, but if it does upset you then you should let him know. 

I also think that I would clarify with him to make sure that he really isn’t proposing just to get sex or whatever intimacy you’re referring to, because him saying that would make me very uncomfortable — but if it was said in jest and you are both on the same page about this, that is completely your call, as intimacy is a personal experience and it’s 100% your decision what you’re ready to do and when. 

Good luck bee, sorry to have contributed to your feeling attacked. I really didn’t mean any harm, as I don’t know you or your SO, you just posted asking for advice so I wanted to share my two cents.

Post # 24
Member
3133 posts
Sugar bee

I’m sorry, but the whole “the more you ask/bring it up, the longer you will have to wait for a proposal” is an absolute dick move.  

Post # 25
Member
9755 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

Being an active participant in your own life isn’t “nagging” or “bugging”.

Post # 26
Member
660 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

So I’m a bit confused on one aspect…you appear to have been together  for around 4 years, live together etc. What is the ‘cow’ that you haven’t done yet? Surely not sex after all this time!? BJ? That’s unusual to me.. .what is the motivation for that – is it a reward for him? 

Post # 27
Member
10651 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

View original reply
lauralaura123 : 

No I don’t understand it either ,  and  saying  he wants to make it ‘a surprise ‘ when he knows she know she has it , is  utterly lame. I can find no credible reasons except cold feet or a desire to tease and punish. 

ETA and  I see from OP’s update that is the latter,  with what sounds like emotional/sexual  blackmail for good measure.  

Post # 28
Member
141 posts
Blushing bee

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elderbee :  Really? “sexual blackmail”? You really think that her BF, who told her he’s proposing soon, bought a ring, etc. is “blackmailing” her? It’s called banter. Yes, it’s teasing. Yes, there may be some tension in it, but I bet they have a hot sex life (or will if they are waiting for that).

Here’s a “credible” reason for you: he’s planned a proposal and the time hasn’t come yet. It’s been a month. BFD. A lot of people enjoy surprises and the anticipation.

Maybe he is teasing her a bit about it (that’s how I would read “the more you ask the longer you wait”), but it’s an exciting time and that’s what people do sometimes when they have a fun exciting surprise coming up. Perhaps he doesn’t appreciate that’s she’s so on-edge over it, or maybe he knows her really well and is building the suspense for what will ultimately be an awesome engagement moment. 

The negativity on the bee really dismays me. Some people seem to get off on it. OP is clearly in an exciting time in her life and anticipation/anxiety/excitement often manifest together so she’s looking for an outlet and a little encouragement. Why can’t bees be more supportive? It’s shameful. Haters.

Post # 29
Member
10651 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

View original reply
poppinbottles :  

I am neither a ‘hater’ -such a stupid term-  nor have I done or  said anything to be ‘ashamed’ of . It is clear you and  I disagree vehemently as  to what constitues equality  in a relationship  between men and women .

If I ‘supported’ OP’s situation  (past posts   show her to have been dicked around over promised  proposal  times ,about  about not ‘being allowed’ to wear a putative engagement ring at work (wtf!)and then the  ‘cow’ stuff in this post  -they have been living together for years)   I would be totally untrue to what I believe. If you believe in teasing and withholding and all that  stuff , fine , just don’t call me names for not doing so.  

ETA if you look at OP’s post again  , I doubt you’ll find much  fun and anticipation   and excitement in it.

 

Post # 30
Member
3265 posts
Sugar bee

View original reply
poppinbottles :  But this is NOT fun or exciting or fun anticipation for OP. That’s where the problem lies.

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