Post # 17
I’m still undecided on this issue. Somehow it came up at dinner with my fiance’s family and his mom and sister had a very negative reaction. They are VERY traditional; I’ve never heard the words tradition and etiquette mentioned so many times in my life as when we talk about the wedding. Even my own mom had a negative reaction initially. It’s definitely not the norm to keep your name where I’m from. Part of me wants to buck ‘tradition’, but it’s pretty hard many people seem to have an issue with it. Especially when his mom is the type that will make a point to tell anyone who will listen that I didn’t want to take her son’s name and how horrible that is. We’ll see what happens in the end; I change my mind every day 🙂
@Miss/MsBanana: I was wondering about Ms. vs. Mrs. if you kept your own name. Where did you find this out?
Post # 18
My FH will actually be taking my last name when we marry, though he anticipates using his "bachelor" name for promotional purposes (he’s a musician). I’m sort of attached to my name, he didn’t want me to give it up, he’s not especially attached to his, and I think we’d both like for us to have the same last name.
Regarding Miss/Ms, I’m not sure of the exact reasoning behind it, but since Miss indicates that you are umarried, and Mrs is supposedly derived from Mr’s (as in property of Mr.), it doesn’t make sense to use either of those, so Ms it would have to be, if the last names are different but the couple is married.
I imagine when people inevitably refer to me as Mrs. Hislastname, I will jokingly let them know that actually he’s become my property. 😉
Post # 19
@cricketpe Wikipedia, I think.
"Mrs is not properly used before a woman’s birth name nor before a last name that differs from her husband’s, such as if she has hyphenated her surname and he has not. For example, "Mrs Jane Miller" or "Mrs Jane Miller-Smith" would be incorrect (see the exceptions below for never-married mothers and high-ranking servants)."
Post # 20
I was always wondering about Ms vs Mrs … Here’s what wikipedia has to say about the Ms. honorific:
But, I’m totally excited to change my name. Wrong crowd!!
Post # 21
i’m not changing my last name and my Fiance is totally fine with it. i think it’s an outdated tradition anyway. from the days when the wife was treated more as property than as an independent person.
Post # 22
[email protected]’re a michigan Bride!
I’m not changing my last name. Like you, I like mine.
My fiance reacted the same way at first. Then I asked, "Well, if you want to share a last name you can take mine."
He instantly left it alone. I think i t made him realize… why should I expect her to change her last name if I am unwilling to do so myself? Because I have a penis?
He is now super supportive. In our relationship we are on equal playing ground financially and are a 50/50 partnership.
My dad gives me a hard time. I love my father, but I think he is sexist- It was sort of hypocritic of him to raise such independent girls. When I was little he always told us we could do whatever we wanted, that we never needed a man in our lives. He’ll get over the last name thing, he loves me 🙂
I also am happy someone is honest about not wanting kids. I dislike other people’s children, and am unsure if I want my own. Not because I dislike children, because I don’t know if Im going to want to do what needs to be done to raise them properly (i.e. give up aggressively pursuing my career) I’m not a fan of day care, and feel if you have kids, you need to sacrfice. Boy.. do I get terrible looks. I’m glad there are other women out there who feel similar.
Post # 23
if career is the reason why you’re not changing your name, what’s your profession?
i haven’t decided if i want to change or not. but probably not just cause i’m too lazy to do the paper work…
Post # 24
My sister did not change her name – she is a PhD chemist, working in a fairly high profile position with the government. If her husband has/had any issues with that, I haven’t heard about them – although I have to say that I think a guy would have to have some pretty serious self-esteem stuff going on, if he felt he had to stamp his possession quite so obviously on his bride.
My DH didn’t at all expect me to change my name. I am a consulting engineer, and have worked all over the world in my field. Although I’m not published in the way a scientist or academic might be, I do have a lot of name recognition. After a lot of thought I have decided to add DH’s name to mine, but continue using my maiden name professionally. It was kind of touching how much it meant to him – and even more so because I know he would never have pressured me in any way.
On the issue of kids – we are not planning on having any. He has two from his first marriage, and has custody, and it is going to be enough of an accomplishment to finish raising them. While I dearly love my little niece, and my friends’ kids, I have no overwhelming desire to have any of my own. I personally think the issue of changing your name because of future kids is a moot point. My sister has experienced no issues with having a different last name from her daughter – it’s much more the norm than you would think, with all the divorce nowadays. And I have called to make doctors appts, to get medical records, and for school issues for DH’s kids – nobody even blinks when I give my name and say that I’m their mother. I don’t really think it’s any kind of issue for kids either – being their mom or dad is so much more about the time you spend with them and the relationship you have than sharing a name, and most kids are smart enough to realize that.
Post # 25
I’m going into medicine; I’ll graduate from medical school 2 weeks before the wedding, so I will already have earned my title as Dr. CurrentName (but that’s not really factoring into why I’m not changing my name, because I won’t be licensed by then, and I can always change my medical license, etc.). I’ve done research with my maiden name, and that factors into it a tiny tiny bit (but it’s not like I’ve already made a name for myself in a particular research field). Basically, it’s because I’ve wanted to be a doctor since I was a little girl, and I always imagined myself as "Dr. CurrentLastName." It’s something I’ve worked toward my entire life, and while I can’t say that my fiance hasn’t supported me a lot emotionally while I do this, it’s not really anything that has anything to do with him; it’s something I feel I own and have earned by myself.
Also, he is sort of in the public eye (he’s a reporter), and a lot of people know his name and that I’m in medicine. I like the fact that if someone likes or dislikes him (not that there’s anything to dislike!), it will be a little harder to figure out who I am and identify my medical practice because of it. Same with me; I don’t want a patient who sees I have a wedding ring on being able to run to the phone book to see who the rest of my family is. Maybe that’s weird, but he and I have both had issues like that already.
Post # 26
I changed my name. I am very independent and was married at 31. I in no way feel like this makes me his property, and to be honest, I think it is really cool to have the same last name. I didn’t think I would be that into it, but I actually like it. And for me, it is nice having one name all the time, and not having both used based on the circumstance. The paperwork is a huge pain and I have to change my name professionally etc etc.
I only say this because I don’t think that people who decide to change their names should be looked down upon anymore than people who decide to keep theirs. My friends are a mixed bag – and to each their own. Our relationship is mutually supportive in all ways – a name is a name. Please don’t judge people based on their decision either way.
Post # 27
I’m definitely not changing my name, and I’m on the it’s-antiquated bandwagon. My fiance is 100% fine with it and never even assumed that I would so it was a non-issue. We may both hyphenate if we end up having children.
Post # 28
Thank you all for responding. I will show this post to my fiance, and hopefully he’ll feel better!
We are from a (literally!) one-stoplight town, and I don’t know anyone from this town who has kept their own name. I am in higher education in a Big Ten university, and, of course, no one in this setting changes their names. I have one foot on one planet, and the other on another. To me it’s no big deal, but to him it’s monumental.
Thanks again, and good luck to everyone!