(Closed) is anyone else taking care of their parents?

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
1469 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I didn’t comment earlier because I haven’t had to experience anything like this yet, but I just wanted to say I’m so so sorry. This sounds really tough. When there is a disabled family member and little family around them, life can be very difficult! I volunteer for someone who is on Medicare and MediCal and gets a person to help her keep her studio apartment tidy several times a week. Is this service possible for your mom? Or does the fact that your dad works prevent this service. Damn our social services! Sometimes it punishes people for working 🙁

As for your Future Mother-In-Law, I think your Fiance needs to pull back from helping out so much. He is enabling her behavior. She’s never going to change with the status quo. She doesn’t seem to have any self respect or esteem so I would have your Fiance push strongly for therapy. He could tell her he won’t help her unless she takes steps to help herself. I’m sure it’s difficult for him to give an ultimatim like that, but he needs his own life too. 

Again, I’m so sorry you are going through this. I hope you two can find some balance in your life that will allow you to enjoy your time together, go on an occasional vacation, start a family, etc.

Post # 4
Member
1902 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

I’m really sorry you’re going through this! It sounds so frustrating having to work everything around both your parents’ conditions and a lot of planning for your future seems to be centred around how you can best support them. On top of that, you both have the stress of having a loved one with a serious, life-threatening condition!

I’ve never been in your situation, but I second the idea about looking for respite – depending on where your from, there should be some services that provide support to people with disabilities. In my country, there’s a hospital-run program which works to support individuals with chronic conditions in helping them become more independent, improving their general health, providing emotional support, and referring them to other services that can support them with any other issues their facing (financial help, housing, counselling, etc.). It might be worth going into your parents’ hospitals and speaking to the social workers there to see what’s available, or approaching a family support program in your area to see if they know of anything.

Post # 5
Member
143 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

My mother came to live with me now and i know it is permamant. She hasnever lived on her own .Always with my grandmother or a man.a few yearsd back she lost her boytfriend to cancer who she had been with about 20 years. I am only 39 she is 55 by the way. when he passed it was like she lost her ability to do anything.she would go days without eating if no one made her anything snd still does .although she can do for her self its like she has no will to do anything. every morning i take her to the bus stop at 545 so she can catch the bus to work,,i cant take her bc of having to get the kids ready for school.She has multiple health issue and refuses to see a doctor bc she has no insurance and even if she did wouldnt take a day off from her mon-friday job to save her life, i really think she has ost her mind and iots only goiong to get worse,puts a real cramp in my love life as well as me and the fh live together untill we are married. i can relate totally to what you are saying. i feel like this is what i have to do but it is really like i have another child …one i didnt bargain for

Post # 6
Member
1733 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

I don’t have a wealth of advice, but I did want to say that I’m so sorry that you have all of this responsibility. And it’s so hard when it’s your parents and you’re experiencing that role-reversal.

I’m wondering whether either of them would be good candidates for some sort of assisted living situation, either temporarily or permanently. I know that there are some places that essentially move you in at the top level, with the most amount of independence, and then as you need more help, you move into more and more supervised care. It seems like in both these cases, what really needs to be done is the domestic work that keeps the house running, and some of that might be relieved in an assisted living situation.

That’s the best thing I can think of. BUT — as you are advising your Future Mother-In-Law to get into a therapy and support group, I also suggest that you do the same for yourself! I bet there are web communities out there entirely devoted to managing the care of elderly or infirm parents. I bet that in addition to whatever insight the folks here have, you will get more experienced support on some of those sites. I bet AARP would have helpful resources too.

 

Post # 7
Member
41 posts
Newbee

I also wanted to comment and say that you have my empathy for your situation. I get that things are really hard for you right now, and that is a tough way to start your new life with your soon-to-be husband. First off – a big hand to you and your fiancée for the help you are giving your parents. Even if that love and care might be taken advantage of, it still speaks well to both of you that are trying to support your families.

I echo what a poster above me said – maybe it is time to for your fiancée to set some boundaries, baby steps at first but firm. It will be hard, because although your FMIL’s issues may be her own fault, it appears true that she has significant impairments functioning. Maybe if he sits down with her and starts with one thing – like telling her that he won’t have as much time when he gets married, and he knows she can take the bus shopping, so let’s work out a way to take to doctor’s appointments. Maybe have a schedule, every other week on Monday is take Future Mother-In-Law grocery shopping. I know that may be more than you want to do, but maybe a schedule will help make things organized and expectable? Also, once you get married maybe set a rule that a certain number of days a week (whatever works for you) are just for the two of you, barring any medical emergencies. You deserve, and need, the time to nurture your own new family unit!

 

These are just my random 2 cents, but my main message is one of support! Good luck, and best wishes to you. 

Post # 8
Member
1469 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@littletree:  I like the limited schedule idea. It still provides her Future Mother-In-Law with support, but at least it’s a known quantity and more manageable/less overwhelming. 

Post # 10
Member
1460 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

Believe me when I say a lot of young people go through this so you’re not the only one.  It’s going to be hard buy you’ll continue to look after your parents.  It’s what we do children.  You’ll go out of your way to make sure they’re okay just they’ve done for you. 

Whatever you do refrain from complaining to each other about the other’s parents.  Carve out time for yourselves and live your lives but don’t get frustrated when he has to do something for his mom and vice versa. It’s so difficult and I’ve been there and had several friends go through it too. 

On a more positive note…my mother always told me a man will never treat you any better than he treats his own mother.  I believe that to be true and it sounds like you’ve got a good one.  🙂

Post # 11
Member
752 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

@Stace126:  Hi – I just wanted to chime in to say that you are doing a great job.  Any help you can give them is fantastic but don’t forget to take care of yourselves.

I’ve seen my mom in this position with my grandparents over the years.  They do the same thing as your Mother-In-Law.  They blow their $$ on crap and expect others to pay their bills for them.  My mom would work herself to the bone to provide for them and cart them to all of their doctor’s appts.  The only thanks she’d ever get is being told that she’s a selfish bitch for not providing more.

I was so proud of my mom when she finally cut them off completely.  What I told my mom is that sure, cutting them off could potentially shorten their life span a bit but what was it worth?  I didn’t think my mom sacrificing her health and financial security was worth it.  If she didn’t take care of herself, she’d wither up health wise and be broke and miserable.  All for what?  To take care of her parents who never took responsiblity for their own lives? 

I’m all for helping out when needed but I draw the line when it comes to someone taking advantage of me. 

The topic ‘is anyone else taking care of their parents?’ is closed to new replies.

Find Amazing Vendors