Post # 1
Hi everyone! This is actually my first post on weddingbee.com so I hope I’m doing it right LOL. I’m recently engaged as of two weeks ago (February 8, 2014 <3).
I’ve known for the longest time exactly who I would pick for my bridesmaids, all my closest girls. My dilemma though, is whether I should ask my sister to be a bridesmaid or not. She’s my older sister, we’re not close, and we never have been. I know I shouldnt hold grudges, but there is a lot of things she has done in the past which I can’t forgive her for, also.
So is it really necessary for me to ask her to be a bridesmaid? I feel like I shouldn’t ask her to be in it, just because I feel like I have to. Honesty is best right?
Obviously my parents are trying to convince me to have her in it, but this is my day, no? And I should have the girls in my wedding who I’m closest with. Her and I are different in so many ways, and I feel like she would have a way of making things all about her. I don’t think she is all that happy for me either.
Anyhow, instead of going into anymore detail, if anyone has had this same dilemma and has some suggestions at all it would be SO greatly appreciated!!
I really hope this post doesn’t make me come off to be a mean little sister, cause I’m really not! I figure honesty is the best route, and I feel like me asking her is being.. fake?
Post # 3
If you aren’t close, don’t ask her just to make someone else happy.
Is there another role she could play?
Post # 4
@ericamariejudge: I would just put her in. She’s family, it’s better to just keep the peace than to exclude her and cause more drama.
Post # 5
I totally agree.
If she were to play another role in the wedding, I’m not even sure what.. perhaps read something at the ceremony?
Post # 6
I wouldn’t. I had my older sister as a bridesmaid even though I didn’t want her, and she made the process a living hell. Now, she is getting married and to keep the peace I am a bridesmaid. Super uncomfortable for everyone.
Post # 7
@ericamariejudge: Having screwed this up at our wedding, yes it is a must.
Post # 8
@ericamariejudge: I could have written this EXACT post when I get engaged. My sister is a total self-absorbed-ass-hat, who only cares about herself. That being said, yes this is in a way, ‘your, and FI’s day’, but it also your/FI’s family’s day as well. I think the answer depends on how much drama it will cause NOT to have her in the wedding party.
For me not having her, wasn’t worth the shit I would get from my family, especially my mom (who thinks the sun shines out her ass). My sister was okay behaved (aside from getting massively drunk at the engagement party, showing up drunk to my shower, having to leave the bachlorette party because she was too drunk, getting drunk at the only bridal party meeting, causing shit with the other bridesmaids, beyond drunk at the wedding and giving the shittest speech of all time, not helping with anything…..) basically aside from getting drunk she stayed out of the way, or rather my girls kept her out of the way because they knew the situation. At the end of the day, friends come and go, unfortunalty my sister will always be in my life somehow.
After all was said and done, I would have asked her to do it again, but I NEVER woud have asked her to be Maid/Matron of Honor, and I should have had much lower expectations.
Weigh the pros and cons. Is it going to put strain on your already crappy relationship with her? Or with anyone else in the family? Does she actually care? Is she going to be a willing participant, or fight you on everything?
You don’t need to ask her right away, you can take some time and figure it out.
Post # 9
@ericamariejudge: What if you dont include her, and twenty years down the road you and her become super close? Then you will feel guilty and regret not including her. Blood is forever. A lot of times, the friends who stood by your side wont be in your life anymore ten or so years from now, but your sister will always be a part of your life. I think you should include her, even if she is the last one in line, she should still be a part of your day.
Post # 10
Exactly. A reading or some other position.
If you two truly don’t get along well and you think she’ll make it all about her, then I wouldn’t ask her to be a Bridesmaid or Best Man. If its just that you two are distant but civil and fond of one another, then maybe extend the olive branch and add her, but not if its going to cause drama, resentment, and discord between the two of you.
Do you think she’ll be hurt if you don’t ask her?
Post # 11
Not at all! it is already a duty being a sister of the bride. I have 4 sisters, so if i ask one i would feel bad for not asking the rest. And i cant afford to have 9 people in the wedding party!
Dont feel bad.
Post # 12
I can completely relate with your message 100%, as that pretty much also describes my sister to a T (minus getting drunk at the occasions lol she probably wouldn’t do that). She’s been sending me the odd message hinting towards it, which I think has me p’od more than anything, because I feel like she almost expects it which she shouldn’t. I’ve learned the hard way that you should NEVER assume you will be in someones bridal party, because chances are you will just end up disappointed anyway.
Post # 13
No need to have siblings in your wedding party if you are not close. The sibling will be included in formal pics anyway.
Post # 14
That’s the thing, I may have been a little ahead of myself, but I casually asked her through a txt the other day if she would be upset if I didn’t ask her. She said she would. When she asked why I said simply because she is always complaing about her money situations, so I figured it would be more of a hassle and expense for her to be in the wedding. I also said to her, once someone is in the wedding, you’re in it and there is no backing out (unless certain circumstances of course), but I feel like if she had a so called “hissy fit” one day, she would just up and back out on us, and then leave us with an uneven number of groomsmen/bridesmaids.
Post # 15
Tell your parents it’s your wedding and you’ll pick who you’d like.
Also it’s shitty that she doesn’t want to be close and is all of a sudden sending you messages, it’s like when you post your engaged on facebook and all of a sudden people you haven’t spoke to in ages are saying “can’t wait for my invite” etc.
I’d just explain to her that you haven’t picked your bridal party yet and that you two aren’t that close, if she’d like to start a relationship with you and see where that takes you then great but if she balks at the idea that you won’t just hand a MOH/BM title to her I’d say leave her out.
Post # 16
Thank you for your advice. Another pet peeve of mine actually, is having people send you messages after getting engaged (like I have) saying “I better get an invite” or “I want details on this wedding”. 1. NEVER assume you will be invited to a wedding, especially when you don’t know the size of it and 2. We JUST got engaged two weeks ago people, I hardly have any “details” yet.