(Closed) Is being CFBC selfish?

posted 4 years ago in No Kids
Post # 76
Member
3008 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

I stayed home from work today (and I really like my job) to care for my sick, whiny, clingy toddler. I love my kid, but today sucked for me. Parenting a child makes you less selfish, since you put the kid’s needs first so much. But deciding to have a child in the first place? Totally selfish. 

Post # 77
Member
1773 posts
Buzzing bee

I would say CFBC is actually, in one way, less selfish! From a conservation perspective we have way too many people and those people are having too many children for the world’s resources to support. If you don’t contribute to that, that’s pretty neat! 

That being said, most people base their choice on wants. I am CFBC because I want to never ever ever have children and also NEVER want to endure pregnancy. I wouldn’t call that selfish though. There’s no kid that is feeling unwanted by me because I made that choice! That is also sort of neat.

Post # 78
Member
25 posts
Newbee

On some level, were programmed to raise our offspring to be as strong as possible because it’s our only way of succeeding on a purely evolutionary level. So even having kids and thinking of their needs first reaps short and long term satisfaction and benefits not just for them, but especially for us. Our kids and grandkids and great grandkids are our legacies and carry our DNA, so sacrifices made for them aren’t really that unselfish.

Personally, it would be more difficult for me to not become a parent than to become one, so having kids is in no way unselfish since that’s what I want to do. Just like PPs have said (although I’m not all the way caught up), you not having kids because you don’t want to have them is not anywhere close to being more selfish than my decision to have them on many levels. You’re not adding to a continuously unsustainable population and statistically, individuals and couples without children tend to give more back to their greater communities than those with children.

Quadruple whammy: you don’t want to, environmentally/over-population-friendly, greater community involvement/volunteering, and having kids isn’t unselfish to begin with.

To take the adoption scenario to the extreme, adopting because you think that not adopting is selfish is ultimately the most selfish decision in the world. So there has to be another way to internally validate your decision not to adopt (and all of your other decisions, for that matter) and only you can figure out how to do that. This is what life is about for everyone, children or no children.

Post # 79
Member
9 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: August 2016

TwinkleBoss:  But there is a legitimate reason… you don’t want to be a mother! Your choices are completely valid, and everything you listed were great reasons to not have children. Just because children can’t care for themselves doesn’t mean you have to produce one and care for it. 

Post # 80
Member
233 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

TwinkleBoss:  I am actually in the complete opposite situation to you- I want children and I feel that I am selfish for it. I KNOW that not having children woud be far better for our planet, as others have said on our thread- our earth is overpopulated and our population is continuously increasing, as is the amount of resources that each person uses. I know that for every child that I have, I am contributing to this.

But I WANT children, I am a teacher and I love them. My husband and I have looked very seriously into adoption as I know from my work (and he from his experiences) that whether or not I have given birth to a child will not impact on how much I love them. But there are some issues around adoption in our country which make me hesitant about it- all for very selfish reasons. 

So basically, when it comes down to it, for the most selfish reasons I think that my husband and I will probably end up having our own children, to get what we want. The only thing that we can really do to make it a bit better is ensure that we have only 1-2 children and live in a way that is as eco-sustainable as possible and raise our children to do the same.

I really don’t see very many ways that not having a child can be described as being selfish, some people might decide not to have children so that they can do what they want in life without having to worry about children, but really that’s about it. It would be far more selfish to have children then live your life as though they barely exist so that you can do what you want (which believe me, I see as a teacher). 

  • This reply was modified 4 years ago by  catki.
Post # 81
Member
1011 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

As someone who loves kids, and is very glad to have raised one, my response is that it does not matter whether or not your reasons are a sign of “selfishness.” You are smart to recognize you do not want kids. I think how much you want a child has a lot to do with how good of a parent you will be, so this is, in fact, a very responsible decision on your part.

Post # 83
Member
131 posts
Blushing bee

TwinkleBoss:  awe dude! you are not selfish, I am on the same boat as you! 

I dont want kids, I never have and dont want to either. Everyone in my family wants me to have kids and they like to try to convince me, but NOPE! 

I started raising my sisters kids when I was 8 yrs old and babysitting both my sisters kids growing up, there is no way I want them, they just arent for me.

I’d rather continue pursueing me and my passions too.

Travel, Live, and if anything help others! I dont see why you have to be labeled selfish if a women chooses not to have kids just cause society portrays it to be the ideal thing all women should do, uhhh…no thank you. 

Do you and fuck everyone else who doesnt agree or understand you. As long as you understand you and you know what makes you happy. You dont need to have kids if you dont want to. Dont feel bad, you arent the only one. 

Post # 84
Member
1987 posts
Buzzing bee

Whenever I’ve been called selfish for my CFBC choice it’s by people who believe that I am being selfish by denying my parents the joy of being grandparents.  I’ve always found this fascinating, because I find it hard to fathom a more selfish thing than trying to guilt someone into the lifelong responsibility that is parenting by claiming that the CFBC person somehow “owes” his/her parents in some way.

(Of course, I take an extremely dim view of any argument that claims a child has to do things for her parents because her parents gave her the so-called gift of life.  Since the child never asked for life, I don’t believe the child incurs any debt to the parents for having been given life.)

Like I said, my parents aren’t 100% happy about my decision, but they’ve come to realize that it’s not their call to make, thank goodness.

Post # 85
Member
2450 posts
Buzzing bee

Having a child for some other reason than wanting to have and raise a child, is HORRIBLY selfish.

Choosing to remain childless because you wish to plan your life around goals different from child rearing? NOT SELFISH AT ALL

Post # 86
Member
963 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2016

Selfish gets a bad wrap. We don’t have a better word in the English language to convey the idea of making decisions based on what is in your best interest. It should not necessariliy imply that you don’t care for or prioritize others, as well.

I don’t feel selfish. We give so much of our time as a couple to other people: our parents, our students, our community. We honestly want to enjoy the peace of just having each other at home. I’ve been working nonstop since our wedding to teach my students and pull off multiple events. I want to work less so that I can prioritize my health. The more I take care of my health, the less I am potentially a burden on someone else. If that is selfish, then perhaps selfish has a misguided connotation.

  • This reply was modified 4 years ago by  cruisinbee.
Post # 87
Member
126 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2004

Who’s to say that having a child is selfLESS? Currently, wives of two colleagues of mine had babies in December. Since then, my colleagues do not actively participate in meetings because they’re constantly texting on cell phones about their children. They are completely checked out and do not share the workload anymore. There are also three pregnant women who talk about babies all day instead of actively participating in our meetings, too. As we CF employees continue to work hard and volunteer to share the workload (along with colleagues whose children are older), the new parents at my job that I work closely with have become very self-centered, and it has increased my personal workload. 

Additionally, there is a set of new parents in my family who now clamor for attention, and they’ve cut people out of their lives who don’t offer to hold the baby during social gatherings or babysit their child – I’m one of the people they’ve alienated. They thought that everyone in the family would take the baby out of their hands once he was born, and since that didn’t happen and they’ve had to be full-time parents instead of being able to do what they want, they’re miserable. They’re very selfish people. 

Post # 88
Member
2868 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

Not any more selfish than having children because “all my friends are having them”

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