Is being child free offensive to people who can't have kids?

posted 2 years ago in No Kids
Post # 32
Member
5875 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2013

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Twizbe :  Ah very interesting.  I had never heard that phrase before so I was googling it and just kept coming up with this greek myth about a man who falls in love with a statue he carved, then the statue comes to life and becomes his wife!

Post # 33
Member
12804 posts
Honey Beekeeper

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bee123456789 :  Even though the insensitivity in this case  belongs to your aunt, I would be aware of how hurtful it might have been for your cousin to overhear her own mother ask you a question like that. Your childbearing plans are absolutely none of your aunt’s business. And just because she asked a nosy and inappropriate question doesn’t mean you owe her an answer. 

So, even if I was comfortable sharing that kind of personal information with an overstepping relative, out of respect and consideration for your cousin, I’d have shut her down fast. 

Unless she knows something you don’t it’s also bizarre that she’s so inconsiderate of her own daughter’s feelings. 

Post # 34
Member
42 posts
Newbee

On the surface, it’s not rude or hurtful to mention being CFBC in front of someone struggling with infertility… but there are ways you could MAKE it rude and hurtful. You say you were explaining your lack of desire to have a biological child and your feeling that you should adopt after a baby comment was made by a family member… well, were you answering the family member’s direct questions, or interjecting your beliefs about children and adoption in a morally superior way? For example, was it:

Family member: Do you want kids, Bee123?

Bee123: Maybe, but not for a long time. And even then we’ll probably adopt… I’ve just always felt like I’d like to adopt a child when the time is right!

or was it:

Family member: Babies are soooo cute, such a fun addition to a family!

Bee123: Well, husband and I don’t plan to have children for a long time… We want to actually ENJOY our adulthood first, and be able to travel, have careers, etc. Any then we’ll adopt, because adopting is sooooo much more socially responsible than giving birth to a biological child. I just think it’s selfish for people to try and have biological children when there are so many children in need out there…

I think you can guess in which scenario you’d be guilty of being rude and hurtful…

 

Post # 35
Member
377 posts
Helper bee

No I don’t think so, some people are just more protective than the actual person so maybe she was just looking out for your cousin?? 

I can’t have children and don’t want children…maybe I’d be jealous of you in some way but that’s not your problem!!

Post # 36
Member
180 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

It’s not my problem as a CFBC woman to police or censor my choices and beliefs when asked about them, bc it might offend someone around the conversation. Life’s not fair. Some people struggle with certain things (such as fertility, etc), while others don’t. And unless you’re using that topic to purposefully hurt or upset the other person who is struggling, they need to understand that they’re struggle or problem, at the end of the day, is their own. 

Post # 37
Member
4851 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

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mrspuppylove :  the start of the post referenced CFBC. Then on to say childfree. Was just saying. 

Post # 38
Member
3837 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2017

I think you did fine. Obviously you wouldn’t start going on and on to your cousin about glad you are you don’t have kids, but a simple mention when someone else has directly asked you is fine. 

Post # 39
Member
1378 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

I’m on medication that is really helpful in keeping me alive but would be toxic to a fetus. I want kids but don’t know how it’s going to work for us. I’m actually psyched when people say they have decided against kids – no baby announcements as been pointed out and more people to hang out with who won’t talk about kids.

The people who annoy me are the ones who are like “you should’ve started sooner!” Well my crystal ball never told me I’d get struck with serious health issues in my 20s and still in a newish relationship…

Post # 40
Member
6290 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2014

I have had people say, both online and in real life, that it is selfish not to have children of you can because some people can’t have them. This makes absolutely no sense at all. How exactly does my having children help someone who is infertile? It doesn’t.

You were not insensitive. I’d you’d been going on about how you’ve recently discovered you’re infertile and are so relieved because you hate kids, that might be insensitive. But you answered a question. I completely disagree with some PPs that you should have censored your response or shut it down. No. Doing that only furthers the belief that there is something ‘wrong’ with being CFBC. The more people who are open about it the better for that reason.

Post # 41
Member
1589 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2017

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bee123456789 :  I’m not childfree and am having a bit of trouble conceiving (like not medically diagnosed infertility, but it’s certainly taking longer than I’d like). Personally no, I don’t find it offensive. It’s not like you made them unable to have kids or you were planning on having kids and giving them to your cousin and changed your mind.

If she is struggling to conceive, she’s probably in the same shitty headspace as I am where even the mention of someone else’s pregnancy stings. If you were discussing any sort of fertility/child related topics in front of your cousin I can see why she’d be upset. However, you say she overheard a conversation – you have every right to discuss being CFBC and beyond being respectful about saying things to people’s faces, I don’t think you should need to censor yourself. 

Post # 42
Member
642 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2017

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bee123456789 :  I think it was your mom empathising with your cousin. I don’t think it is offensive. Your cousin is definitely not the person to discuss not wanting children with but don’t feel the need to shut up if she’s in earshot and someone else asks you for your plans regarding children.

Post # 43
Member
2678 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

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bee123456789 :  your body your choice. Guilting someone over thier personal choices is insensitive. 

Post # 44
Member
1128 posts
Bumble bee

I suppose I can imagine someone who has been struggling to concieve for a long time possibly getting upset in that situation. But only in the same way that they might get upset at someone who is pregnant moaning about morning sickness, or someone who has a baby complaining about not getting any sleep.

Unfortunately it is life though, sometimes having a difficult circumstance makes hearing other peoples stories difficult, but I always think it is better not to filter too much and don’t really see anything wrong with you saying that in front of her. 

Post # 45
Member
187 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

I struggled with infertility, and CFBC people certainly didn’t offend me. On the contrary, it was comforting to know some people embraced the no kids life and were still happy and fulfilled.

What I did find difficult were actually pregnant women, especially those that say stuff like “my husband sneezes and I’m pregnant! Lol! “

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