(Closed) Is chivalry dying/dead…& do you classify your SO as a gentleman? Poll

posted 7 years ago in Relationships
  • poll: Is chivalry dying? Is your SO a gentleman?
    Girl, chivalry is on it's last leg! : (37 votes)
    7 %
    It's not as common, but I still see it from time to time : (164 votes)
    29 %
    I see it often : (37 votes)
    7 %
    My SO is definitely a gentleman : (195 votes)
    35 %
    My SO has his moments : (113 votes)
    20 %
    My SO doesn't classify as a gentleman : (14 votes)
    3 %
  • Post # 62
    Member
    1676 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: June 2011

    I chose that I see chivalry sometimes and my SO has his moments. He is chivalrous sometimes,  but he definitely doesn’t open every door or anything. Sometimes I think it would be nice if he would. Then again, he does surprise me sometimes with things like running outside while we’re waiting on dinner at a restaurant to quickly surprise me with flowers. It would be nice if these things were more common, but they might feel less special in that case. Also, when I was younger, I felt strongly about female equality and definitely gravitated away from guys who treat girls differently (even in a good way). I’ve since changed my opinion on that lol, but, since Darling Husband and I met back then, I’m honestly lucky I ended up with someone as doting as I did. 

    Post # 63
    Member
    50 posts
    Worker bee
    • Wedding: August 2014

    My Fiance spoon-fed me soup and read long magazine articles to me while I was in the hospital recovering from a horrifically painful spinal injury. That, to me, is a true gentleman, worth more to me than all of the held-open doors and carried bags in the world.

    Post # 64
    Member
    219 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: January 2014

    @kerensa:  Sorry, I think I explained it wrong.  He opens it when we get into the car, like when we are walking to the car.  Never for me to get out of the car- I wouldn’t just wait there for him while he walked around the car I open it myself.  And I never expected him to do anything, but it is just something he naturally does that is an example of chivalry.  And it is a two way road, just as he does nice things like that for me I make sure to be polite and courteous to him as well.

    Post # 65
    Member
    1131 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: August 2013

    I think chivalry is dead because we’d rather have equality

    Post # 66
    Member
    858 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: November 2018

    My fiance is a pure gentlemen.  I think it helps that I’m not a lady so I just don’t expect him to be that way.  He’s a gentlemen because he wants to whenever he wants to. I’m pretty sure he also loves the challenge because I do everything I can to keep him from opening doors, getting all the groceries, and refilling my drink all the time.

    Honestly I really don’t like how some women just expect to be pampered 24/7.  I have a friend who will ask her boyfriend to get her whatever because she doesn’t want to.  He’s always caring for her by getting her more to drink or grabbing her book in the other room.  I’m sure she’ll do it herself if he’s not home but if he is even if they are sitting down together she’ll ask him to do whatever for her.

    Post # 67
    Member
    1649 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: August 2000

    Fiance is a very well mannered and a gentleman.  If anything, I am too independent to “let” him do things like open the door for me nor do I really want him to wait on me hand and foot. I do appreciate when he helps me with the groceries though or gives me his jacket when I’m cold 🙂

    Post # 68
    Member
    4 posts
    Wannabee

    @greymonkey42:  I agree. A woman is a partner in a relationship not a dependent/child that should be cared for constantly (unless there is a true need for it–like a disability/illness).

    I think chivalry is dying and I am happy to see it go!

    I think both genders should be courteous, kind, respectful and loving–equally. Just because I am a woman doesn’t mean I should get extra things. I didn’t go to catillian school and neither did my Fiance. We treat each other with mutual respect and that is enough for us.

    Post # 69
    Member
    2967 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: September 2012

    i voted that my husband is a gentlemen, but we pretty much do the same type of things for each other. he opens the car door for me and i reach across and open his door for him (people always say that we make them look bad in front of their significant other, haha). if ever forget something from the car, he’s always willing to get it for me. he lets me wear his jackets if i get cold. if there’s only one slice of pizza left (or only one cookie or whatever) he always offers it to me first or offers to split it with me and vice versa. he’s always willing to make a quick trip to the grocery store if i need him to. i’m in a dance group so he always tags along to my events and helps me carry all my gear and keeps an eye on my stuff.

    BUT he also has his typical guy moments where he burps and farts and grabs his junk and his table manners can use some improvement. but overall i guess i can’t complain too much. 

    Post # 70
    Member
    1098 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: December 2013

    @hollyberry4:  +1

    I wouldn’t have much patience for any man who raced to open doors for me or always felt the need to pull out chairs for me. Fiance will give me his coat when it’s cold or offer to hold my bags for me or come to my side of the car with an umbrella when it’s raining but he does it because he loves me not because he has a desire to be chivalrous. All his life he has always been told that he is very chivalrous but it’s something he strongly dislikes because chivalry is just a form a benevolent sexism and it’s not something he wants to be associated with. He’s nice to everyoneregardless of what’s inbetween their legs. 

    Post # 71
    Member
    278 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: October 2013

    This will probably spark some arguments, but I see a lot of people who claim that they are both from the south and that chivalry is alive and kicking where they are. I’m guessing by ‘south’ they mean the southern states. Now, I’m not American and no expert, but I do have a strong interest in feminism and women’s rights. I can’t help but wonder if there is a link between chivalry and places where women’s rights (access to birth control, abortion, equality etc) are limited or under attack. 

    This is where I feel the sexism part of benevolent sexism comes into play. Men will treat women like their princesses but in return expect them to behave like their idea of one. The legislation of women’s bodies by old men in government seems to be a twisted way of trying to procure that behaviour and punish those who don’t conform to it. At least, that is how it appears to me. 

    A prime example; the Middle East. Women are told they are put on a pedestal and treated the way they are because they are so special, need to be protected, yadda yadda, but this is obviously far from the case. They have little to no rights at all. That is benevolent sexism taken to the extreme where it shows itself for the outright misogyny it has the strong potential to be.

    My Fiance is as strong a feminist as I am. I know this and this knowledge tells me that when he treats me specially he is doing it because he loves me and wants to make me happy, not because he feels that he *should* behave that way. Men that truly believe that women should be treated a certain way set alarm bells ringing because it suggests to me that they have a lot of expectations and assumptions based on gender, and we all know where those lead.

     

    Post # 72
    Member
    3371 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: May 2014

    My Fiance is definitely a gentleman in the etiquette sense, he’s European so I think it’s much more common to be overtly chivalrous without coming across as contrived. He opens doors (cars and restaurants), pulls out my chair, carries the shopping/my bags, always pays for dinner (even though this last aspect is a moot point, given we live together and more or less share expenses). He extends these courtesies to my female friends too, and if we’re out at dinner with others, he’ll often pick up the bill. He gives me his coat when it’s cold, and will always run to get groceries or run errands if we need anything.

    Post # 73
    Member
    9951 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: December 2012

    Interesting discussion.

    Is Chivalry disappearing… ya probably. 

    But I’d also wager that is because as so often shown in this topic it is tied to a belief by the modern woman that in somehow it equates to a woman being oppressed (outright sexism) vs women being regarded as the magnificent creatures we are deserving of caring & respect by the men in our lives… our Fathers, our SOs, and our Sons*… which is a whole other ball of wax… and yet the modern woman seems to be confused by this fact

    * Nothing annoys me more than a son who doesn’t respect his mother… no matter what his age (4, 24 or 44) by talking back to her, swearing in front of her or at her… maybe even gives her a shove now and then.  All of this is becoming waaay too acceptable in our society.  Sons should be taught by their fathers how to treat women.  And that starts at home with how to respect one’s mother.  So it is no wonder to me that men treat women as badly as they do.

    (And WHY I get sooo dang angry when I read here on WBee a post by a woman with some guy who is disrespecting her… be that emotionally, sexually, physically whatever.  WE tell the poor gal that SHE DESERVES BETTER… but we are slow to recognize and reward the men in our society that actually live this fact openly)

    I would have to say that IMO the men today who exhibit good manners… and are gentlemanly… aren’t necessarily one in the same with the Sexist titles they seem to get slapped with (macho men sexist pigs as many people seem to frame them as… are an entirely different sorts IMO)

    Sadly, I don’t think a lot of women realize this… which is why no doubt some women have made Gentlemen who are polite and courteous feel bad about themselves (having witnessed the poor guy who held open the front door of the office building for a co-worker only to have a strip torn off).

    In reality, this same guy with the good manners may just have likely held open the door for the next person be they male or female.  Which is what as a woman of good manners do as well.  And what IMO EVERYONE on the planet should be doing for everyone else.  Period.

    No wonder men are confused.

    I am a lucky duck…

    Mr TTR is a gentleman with impeccable manners (his mother & father raised him well).  It was one of the first things I noticed about him.  He is nice to everyone… not just me.  Holding doors open, getting folks the extra chair when needed at a table (when others join us)… or even assisting others when they aren’t able to do things for themselves… such as the lady in the Parking Lot at the mall trying to manage her kids and the grocery cart at the car (cart rolling away).  He is NEVER one to not be courteous to another person and lend a hand when needed.

    Infact I fell in love with this guy when I didn’t even know him… as I watched him help a disabled friend by bringing the guys car around and helping him out to.

    When we began dating, I wasn’t used to being treated so well.  My Ex Hubby was a “modern man” who had an every person for themselves mentality… when he and I dated in my early 20s the feminist movement was huge (1970s) and I just went along for the ride… as I too believed that a woman who didn’t do things for herself was not strong… (vs today’s thinking that a man who does nice things for women are soft).

    So dating Mr TTR some 25 years later was a real eye opener… and left me in unfamiliar waters, and a tad uncomfortable (ie he wanted to pay 100% for our first date… his reasoning being… I did the inviting, I’ll do the paying).

    Likewise he let me set the pace / timeframe on our relationship.  He was just happy that I was in his life (so he’s told me since).  So there was no pressure from him for us to be a couple (important to me in that I was coming off of my horrific divorce) and I was so unsure of what I wanted in regards to a relationship… so it was nice there was no pressure and we were friends first.  And he was such a gentleman that first weekend together… not only in the bedroom but also out.  How he offered me a robe, and made us breakfast etc.

    And he’s never forgotten an Anniversary… although he likes to tease me and say … “Oh is there something special happening that weekend” when we are planning out our calendars.  He always makes arrangements for us to celebrate… be it a posh meal somewhere special, or a wonderful romantic getaway weekend.  We may talk about it together… but he does the bulk of the planning (nice cause I do most of our other holiday planning).  Same thing with our Honeymoon… he and I planned out the Destinations… but once we were on the trip… it was he who made it extra special by saying “lets go out tonight… you pick where we should go”… or “I’ve got us Reservations at ___ a Restaurant that I hear is really spectacular here”

    Over the years, I’ve come to appreciate his gentlemanly ways.

    He opens doors for me (and others).  And when we are out together, if he is driving, he’ll open and hold the passenger door to let me in.  I in-turn reach over and unlock his side if needed.  When getting to our destination he lets me off at the front door (amen)… I may love my high heels as much as the next gal… but it is nice not have to walk an extra 100 yards in them to and from the car.  When it is time to leave, he’ll go get the car, turn on the heated seats, and pick me up at the door.  If it is raining, when we leave, he’ll often go back to the car and get me an umbrella if we have other places we need to walk to (huge inconvenience to him… and I recognize that… but he always brushes it off saying… “hey I have to walk too, and having an umbrella is as much for me as it is for you”).

    On outings together, he will lend me his coat when it is cold… walk on the outside of the sidewalk when we stroll (the splash side) and LOVES to hold my hand in public whenever we are together.  Not as an element of my weakness or his strength… or anything other than he and I like the physical connection and being with each other.

    Shopping he’ll offer to carry my bags… or take them to the car.  He’ll even hold my purse / bag / knapsack etc when I am in the fitting room and he’ll sit by patiently and insists that he gets “to see” what I am purchasing.  Not to critique it… but to genuinely see the thrill in my eyes when I find a piece of clothing I love… lol, he is my biggest fan !!

    He LOVES to take care of me… and the relationship we have… and I do the same for him.  BUT it is all these little extra things that are soooo awesome.

    Be it knowing that I am going out to an appointment so he’ll make sure my car has the snow cleared off… and there is plenty of washer fluid.  Or if it is a particularly frigid day, he’ll go outside while I am putting my finishing touches on my “getting ready to go” routine, and start the car to warm it up for me.

    Or disappearing on the weekend with my car, and putting gas in it… or taking it thru the carwash.

    Or surprising me with a cup of tea… be it that first cuppa on a Weekend morning (the cup that gets me going on the day’s chores), or the last cuppa on a weeknight before I head to bed (the cup that relaxes me).  He loves to cook and make me nice meals.  He especially likes to bring me the Saturday Papers in bed (along with that cuppa tea above)… while he makes a nice hot breakfast that we then share in our bed reading the papers or watching tv.

    Mr TTR and I travel a lot.  So there are little things he does to make that always pleasant… he’ll stock the car with ice water in the summertime… and hot drinks in the wintertime (or make a pit stop at Tim Hortons).  He’ll make the car comfortable and ready for the trip… with things within easy reach of my being in the Passenger seat… so I can easily get things like Kleenex, paper-towel, the cooler, maps & travel guides, perhaps a sweater, etc while we are underway.

    When we arrive at a Hotel, we’ll check in together, and then he’ll unload the car of the luggage while I go off to check out the Hotel Amenities / Room… and other sundry things… so that when he arrives in the room with the luggage… we have an immediate game plan on where to eat etc.  (A real time saver when you pull into a hotel after dark and are starving or in need of a cocktail)

    Even tho we’ve been together now over 7 years, 24/7×365 he NEVER takes me for granted, and ALWAYS treats me with the utmost care & respect.  And I him.  These things aren’t just because I am a girl anymore than the many things I do for him each day are just because he is a guy… we do things for each other… especially these little things that mean a lot because we LOVE each other very much and want to make the other’s life easier and more comfortable.

    For sure Mr TTR is a real man… and he can drink, swear and fart with the best of them… but if I am around or other ladies, then he tends to rope that in a bit.  And I appreciate it… I too can swear like a Stevedor if the situation warrants it… but it is nice to know that when I’m with Mr TTR that F-this and C-that aren’t the most overused letters in the alphabet.

    Lol, I still get a great kick out of, and appreciate it all at the same time.  How he will go to the bathroom in the washroom that is furthest away from where I am in the house if he needs to make a stink.  When I asked him WHY he does this… he smiled and said, “because I am a gentleman and why would I inconvenience you by smelling my stink… when at times I’d prefer not to smell it myself”

    Ya he’s a great guy.  He’s a modern wonder in my mind.  Having a perfect blend of traditional values, decent morals, good manners and common sense.  He appreciates women for who they are… period.  He is pro-women and pro-women’s rights.  He has never put any restrictions on me as a woman… he is cool with me speaking my mind, and choosing whatever it is I want to do, focus my attentions and energy on.  He is my greatest fan… as well as that of his Mother (now passed) and his Daughter.  He just generally respects and appreciates women.  Period.

    Yup, I am a lucky gal.

    PS… I never understand WHY women are so keen to not let a guy be a guy in the best ways possible.  B!tching at some guy (or gal for that matter) opening a door… means inevitably that they’ll be less likely to step up to the plate with good manners & common courtesy when the situation really warrants it … such as offering a seat to a visibly pregnant woman, someone travelling with small children, someone with a disability, or an elderly person.  (Maybe it is easier to balk when we are younger and these situations seem to be not as much a reality… as when we are older, and we find ourselves coping with them) 

    IMO, Good manners should never go out of style… all these little actions / things just show we appreciate the humanity of life, and recognize that we can create a world that we make better for others and ourselves at the same time.

     

     

    Post # 74
    Member
    3860 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: October 2013

    @This Time Round:  I think you described mutual respect, not chivalry. My Fiance does all of those things you mentioned (didn’t we luck out with great guys!?!?), but I certainly do not call him chivalrous, and nor does he. Does your guy do all of those things because he loves you and cares for you (respect)? or does he do them because he feels it is his “manly” duty to take care of you (chivalry)?

    We women who are against chivalry are NOT against men treating us nicely and having good values/etc. (of course we want men who are respectful, appropriate, have good manners, and do nice things for us!) The difference is that we do not expect to be treated a certain way because of our gender. We expect to be treated with respect and with thoughtfulness because our men love us. We also realize that it’s a 2-way street, and we do similar thoughtful acts for our men. I see chivalry as a 1-way street, where women are put on a pedestal, but there are stipulations to that (that they are expected to behave a certain way).

    All of the things you described are awesome!! I just think that you provided a perfect example of a really nice, thoughtful guy, in a mutually respectul relationship.

    Here’s where chivalry came from (source Wikidpeda, not the best but still). The underlined part is the issue that people take with chivalry:

    “The Knight’s Code of Chivalry was a moral system that stated all knights should protect others who can not protect themselves, such as widows, children, and elders. All knights needed to have the strength and skills to fight wars in the Middle Ages. Knights not only had to be strong but they were also extremely disciplined and were expected to use their power to protect the weak and defenseless.”

    Of course our men are not “knights” these days, but the same principals and philosophy apply. I would not want to be with a man who felt he had to do things to protect me or take care of me because he thought I was somehow less capable of doing those things for myself (which is what chivalry inherently implies).

    Does that make sense?

     

    Post # 75
    Member
    9951 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: December 2012

    TO @hollyberry4: makes sense.

    And although I agree, and I’d never use the strictest form of the description of Chivalry to describe Mr TTR in our day-to-day existence (you are right… it really is a relationship based on mutal respect)

    I would having read your definition still say I’d use that word in “some” instances to describe him

    He by no means sees me as a weakling.

    BUT he does go out of his way to protect and care for others who require that assistance in life…

    Such as I’ve described above in my post… so the handicapped and the elderly, and children (indirectly in that he is a big supporter of Children’s Charities etc).  And he gives to the homeless and others that cannot necessarily help themselves due to unfortunate circumstances.

    BUT he also looks out for all these folks, as well as Women with small children (hence the running after the grocery cart in the parking lot) or standing up and offering the Pregnant lady the seat on the bus, in a waiting room etc.  Like or not… those are things that he does specifically because they are women (altho he’d chase down the grocery cart I supose for a Man too)

    AND I KNOW in my heart of hearts… that if there ever was an occasion when I was being in anyway endangered or threated, he’d use his power to protect me, the weak and defenseless from a more powerful agressor … be that due to potential violence or bullying.  I KNOW he’d lay his life on the line for me… without thinking twice.

    So theres the sticky bit… I know as a woman there are certainly times I am the weaker sex… (BIG guy breaking into our house) but that doesn’t mean I have to not appreciate the gesture of chivalry a man makes because he is a man (him beating the Intruder with a Golf Club while I’m on the phone with 911)

    Chivalry is a tough word to peg down I think.  Which is WHY it probably nowadays has such negative conotations.  On the otherhand, just calling a Man a Gentleman or a Gentle Man maybe not so much.

     

    Post # 76
    Member
    558 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: October 2014

    Well, my SO certainly isn’t chivalrous.  He hasn’t worn my favour when jousting at a tournament in my name in ages and hasn’t fought any knight to the death over any perceived slights to my honour.  He also hasn’t taken any knight or noble hostage for ransom in order to improve our social standing, nor has he handed me off to a higher-ranking man for his favours.  But on the plus side, he’s kept the Peace of God very well.  I don’t think he’s murdered a rival knight on a Sunday or a feast day since I’ve met him, he hasn’t murdered a single cleric or monk, he hasn’t attacked any churches with the intent to sack their valuables, and he hasn’t conducted any unlawful seiges on a Christian-held castle.  But he also isn’t very interested in going on Crusade, either, so I think the two might cancel each other out when it comes to his chivalric virtues.  

    The topic ‘Is chivalry dying/dead…& do you classify your SO as a gentleman? Poll’ is closed to new replies.

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