(Closed) Is everyone as "waiting" crazy as me?

posted 6 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
662 posts
Busy bee

I’m not emotional about it, per se.  The thought I keep in my head is that I cannot get this pre-engagement time back.  This is the carefree, loving, just about us and nothing/no one else part of our relationship.  Once I have a ring I’ll be planning and stressed and inviting and DIYing, etc.  There is a lot that goes into a wedding that I don’t have to worry about right now.  After we’re married we might have a couple years before we have kids but our families will start hounding us about it right away.  This time though, pre engagement, is so comfortable and nice that I’d hate to look back at it and realized that I missed out on it because I was SO expectant of the next step.  It’s like when you were a kid and you couldn’t wait to grow up, only to realize you miss that time when you were a kid.

 

A few weeks ago my SO and I were sitting out on the back porch of our townhouse in our ghetto complex watching a SWAT team raid our neighbor (they had the wrong house but it was still entertaining).  I looked at him and said to him “you know, years from now when we have a mortgage and kids and school events and sports and yadda yadda yadda, we’re going to look back at times like this with such great fondness.  It is just you and I with no cares in the world.” 

 

Don’t underestimate the greatness of the time you are living in because you are so expectant of the next step.  Just relax and enjoy your time with no worries about a wedding or kids or any of that.  The ring is coming sooner than you think, from what he says, so this time is coming to an end soon.  This is a great time in your life. 

Post # 4
Member
193 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: March 2015

Yeahhh – I’m always blunt when I am drunk with my SO. I even threatened to pop the question to him once when I was drunk (I got “told off”, apparently that is his job!!). But I always apologize for drinking too much in the morning… he understands. We always laugh about it later.

Your man will understand as well – Alcohol + Engagement Party = something was going to be mentioned, drunk or not, from either end.

Post # 5
Member
556 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

I get emotional, too. I think lately I am just exasperated because the ring is here, we are moving in one week, and he wants to propose before then. He told me he “didn’t plan on proposing this weekend” and it just set me right off. Even if I only have a week left of waiting, I am just sick, sick, sick of this stuff!  

In reality, it’s not craziness — it’s just impatience, insecurity, and a whole host of other things. Ugh.

Post # 6
Member
1059 posts
Bumble bee

I don’t even have a ring or a “I know I want to marry you and need to save up” etc. so you can imagine how crazy I am. For awhile I became a person I really didn’t like. Now I alternate between thinking it’s never going to happen and thinking I don’t care about it at all. =( I don’t think I can wait much longer.

 

P.S. At least you can blame it on alcohol! I usually just have myself to blame!

Post # 7
Member
1059 posts
Bumble bee

@Bunny82:  Gah you sound so calm! You must really have a lot of faith that it’s coming; I think that helps.

And boy I would LOVE to watch a SWAT team raid – that would be super entertaining, ESPECIALLY if it’s the wrong house!

Post # 8
Member
2523 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

I’ve been going a little more crazy since I only have a couple of weeks to go!

>.<

The last month of my undergraduate studies have been keeping me busy, but it’s definitely hard not to think about!

Post # 9
Member
1059 posts
Bumble bee

Just finished crying to SO about how much this waiting/indecisiveness is hurting me. Sigh. Totally going crazy – hope my crazy makes you feel better, though!

Post # 10
Member
662 posts
Busy bee

@MariaW:  The SWAT raid was actually really interesting.  Crossing our fingers it never happens to us though. SO and I are both prior military so we had a Mystery Science Theater 3000 thing going on regarding all the mistakes they were making.  You wouldn’t believe how many times they flagged each other (pointed their loaded guns at their buddies). 

 

But yeah I do have faith that the ring is coming.  He just finished saving up the last of the money for it so now I just have to wait 🙂 

 

If I were in your shoes I think I’d be in a different attitude no matter how much I tried though.  For me, I told my SO from the very beginning that the two year mark was $h!t or get off the pot time.  I’m a very blunt person though so when I know where a hard line is I’m not afraid to tell him.  For me, two years was a hard line.  We are now coming up on our one year anniversary and he’s saved up for my ring so I suppose with the timeline I gave him he has a whole nother year before his timeline is up.  It could be in a month, it could be in a year, but I know it’s coming. 

 

I think you should see if you can at least get your SO to give you a timeline.  You have no idea how much less crazy you can be when you have a defined timeline.

Post # 11
Member
1059 posts
Bumble bee

@Bunny82:  Well, it’s kind of complicated. We used to live in the same city, then I moved for school, and I planned to move back and said I would live with him if we were married and on my own if not (this was supposed to be a year from now). We never really discussed it in the beginning, and he always brought up marriage and such first. But earlier this year that somehow became not enough for me – I didn’t want to move and sacrifice career etc. without a commitment, and we started fighting about it a lot, so he said okay if all goes well in a few months we’ll get engaged. Then somehow that wasn’t enough again and I was going nuts and we were still fighting every day about this and I asked for a sooner timeline and he made one up and then asked for an extension the day before, and after that said in a few weeks etc. several times. We were fighting that whole time, and I was crying every day and he said he felt really pressured.

In the last month and a bit I’ve calmed down, and he has said that things are back to normal between us, and that he thinks it will happen by the end of the year. I just feel like he couldn’t do it before when it got right down to it so that will just probably be the same thing again at the end of the year, though he has become much more loving and such. So I guess I do have a timeline of sorts, it just isn’t a timeline with a promise or guarantee and I don’t know that I would believe it even if it had that. I do know he has a ring picked out (he picked one out when I was pressuring him earlier) but nothing bought. I posted about it all over WB, but most recently here: http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/rough-waiting-day-blah Anyway, my point is, I kind of have a timeline and I’m still crazy. =( Most days I’m fine but today seems to be the hardest I’ve had in a long, long time.

Btw you sound so tough (in a cool way!) – prior military and stuff. Wow!

 

Edit: Sorry for the essay!

Post # 13
Member
662 posts
Busy bee

@MariaW:  Essay away!  That’s what we are here for!!

 

That’s a tough spot you are in because he’s promising you something that he didn’t come through on before.  I had to sit down with my SO a few months into our relationship and have a serious talk about saying he would do things when he wouldn’t.  I have a very strong issue with expectation management.  If someone tells me they will do something for me I assume they will.  There is no give in this for me.  So for me if they don’t I get SUPER disappointed.  Even something as small as doing the dishes.  I told him I’m TOTALLY okay with you not doing them, just don’t tell me that you are going to do them.  If you don’t say you will and don’t do them I won’t be upset at all but if you tell me you will and don’t do them, I’ll get disappointed because I expect it to happen.  If he told you that he would get the ring in a set timeline I would expect him to do so.  Or I’d have an expectation management talk with him, lol.

 

I think it’s normal for you to want a commitment before moving and changing jobs for someone.  I think that is reasonable.  I do think though that a LDR is sort of a hard jumping place.  I feel like its even more a reasonable request to ask for a commitment before moving because he didn’t come through with the commitment he promised in the past.  I do think though that it’s easier for a relationship to get to “that point” when it is not LDR. 

 

(and I’m not tough at all, lol.  I mean, I am in some ways, but I’m super not tough in others, just like anyone else 🙂  I can’t even kill my own spiders, lol)

Post # 14
Member
1059 posts
Bumble bee

@Bunny82:  Haha @ spiders. =)

I’m the same way as you about expectations. Even if it is something tiny. It’s not about the thing itself (like doing dishes isn’t a big deal), it’s about the principle of it all. I would hope that my SO gets that about me after all this time, but he is much more relaxed about such things than I am. I also don’t think he is much of a planner about the future – I need to know what is happening in my life and he is comfortable with his so doesn’t really think so much about the future. Sometimes also I feel like he makes it sound getting married is a thing just for me (though maybe that is because I seriously brought it up first), even though he keeps bringing it up all the time, but maybe he isn’t so serious about it. Yesterday I just got tired of the whole thing and told him that words alone weren’t enough and he needed some actions – talking about getting married when you don’t have clear intentions of following through isn’t fair to the other person. Especially when you haven’t followed through before.

I think you’re right that it is easier for a relationship to get to that point when it isn’t an LDR. Especially if the other person has an in-person focus, and isn’t so crazy about talking on the phone. Ugh, this is hard. Okay, rant over, thanks for listening!

Post # 15
Member
218 posts
Helper bee

I am completely bat s**t crazy, have been for months!

Post # 16
Member
662 posts
Busy bee

@MariaW:  I’m always here to listen! 

 

For what it’s worth, my SO didn’t talk about marriage things until he started actually saving for a ring.  I mean he would make comments about how he was going to marry me one day but he wouldn’t talk specifics about it.  When he started saving though it seems like it’s open season for him to voice his opinion about everything.  If we are watching a show that has a wedding in it he will be like “I want that” or “ugh that is so tacky!”.  It is like how they say a woman becomes a mom as soon as she gets pregnant but a man becomes a dad when he holds his baby in his arms.  He’s not really really a planner either though.  Like he knew since we met that we’d get married some day, have kids, buy a house, raise a garden, etc., but he never put any actual plans into motion to do any of those things.  Like I said in my first post though, I’m fine with that.  We are having our single life adventures right now and we will get to those places, but I know going forward that each step of the way I’m likely going to have to sort of push him in the right direction.  I think instead of nagging him or bringing it up with him that he has so many shortcomings you might want to attempt a more positive approach.  It’s like Dr. Laura said (I used to love her show lol), instead of nagging your man to take out the trash use realistic flattery instead like “I really love how you take the initiative to take out the trash so that I don’t have to” (although she really advises to be over the top about it like “you’re so manly and strong when you take out the trash” but what modern guy will fall for that mess, lol). 

 

Anyway, I guess my point is that no man likes it when you point out their short comings so perhaps a different approach is necessary.  He knows he let you down.  Find a positive spin on it.  Like tell him how much you enjoy all the things you are doing now that you will look back on fondly when you are married with responsibilities.  You’ll still put the topic of marriage in his head but it will be in a much more positive light. 

 

(and man, this post makes me miss Dr. Laura, lol.  I used to love listening to the issues on the show, thinking of what advice I’d give to them, and seeing if Dr. Laura would tell them the same thing).

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