Post # 1
When I met Fiance, I was around 20 lbs overweight. Slowly over the last year and a half, it’s gone from 20 to 40. I know.
I cook at home, all natural and organic, and have a great diet plan which should get me down to my goal weight by June or July. I let Fiance know about it because this particular plan will not give leverage for eating out, eating his parents food, or junky snacks.
Today he comes home from visiting his parents with a leftover FULL box of delivery pizza, four fun size candy packages, and french bread.
The bread is excusable, but this is the first time he’s ever come home with junk food and I can’t help but feel like he might be intentionally or unintentionally trying to derail me. I asked him about it, and he looked at me like I was an idiot and said “no”. However, now that I think about it, he has always been encouraging me to eat with him, binge with him, and to “not care”.
I know his excuse is that he thinks I’m beautiful and he loves me the way I am, but I’m starting to think he wants me to be less desirable to other people by fattening me up.
Does anyone else have this type of an issue and how do you deal? I haven;t had pizza in three months and it’s definitely a HUGE temptation right now. So if you can talk some sense into me, I’d appreciate it… Fiance is in the same room saying “eat it!”.
Post # 3
I feel you. It’s not intentional. My Fiance is a beanpole who couldn’t gain weight if he tried. I, on the other hand, gain weight just by LOOKING at food. So unfair. Because he’s never struggled with his weight, Fiance simply doesn’t understand how meticulous I have to be about what I eat. Like last night he suggested ordering pizza when we were trying to figure out what to do for dinner. NO, I don’t want to order PIZZA three weeks before my fitting when I’m trying to lose 7 pounds still, are you out of your damn mind??!! When I told him I had 270 calories left for the day he practically left track marks he ran to the store to buy dessert so fast. He loves to bake, too, so we’re constantly arguing about his baking (honestly, is asking that he not bake for a whole 9 WEEKS really too much to ask?)
I don’t think it’s anything malicious, they just simply don’t get it.
Post # 4
@artichokesalad: This sort of reminds me of my sister and her husband. She’s worked really really hard for as long as I can remember to lose weight. She’s yo-yo’ed up and down over the years, but I don’t think she’s gotten smaller than a size 20 in years. Having been in her home a million times, I’d have to say my BIL does what your Fiance is doing. He comes home with a boatload of unhealthy food, always with an excuse as to why he has it and despite knowing that my sister (and himself) is working hard to lose the weight, and bringing home a half dozen McDonald’s breakfast sandwiches, doughnuts, and a full size apple pie likely isn’t a good idea. I wish I were kidding. Why does he do this? Because he’s a dumbass. Because I think he’s happy the way he is, so he doesn’t want to put the effort into losing weight. Because junk food is delicious. And my mom’s theory: He’s worried my sister will lose all this weight and decide to leave him.
All you can do is put your foot down and say no, you won’t sit down and eat the pizza. It’s your decision what you eat, and even though it must be torture to have it there, maybe it’s time to set the precedence that you won’t eat whatever food you wouldn’t normally eat when he brings it in.
(On a happy side note, my sister and BIL recently went to a fitness resort and I think they’re both on track for a big lifestyle shift. Yay!!!)
Post # 5
Is your Fiance overweight as well? Or is he the insecure type? He might feel threatened by your resolution, afraid that you’ll develop a whole new and different lifestyle that does not include you.
It might also make him feel better that you are willing to indulge with him, so that he’s not the only “weak” one.
I don’t think he want you to sabotage your diet, but sounds like he’s not helping. Perhaps what you can do is set one evening per week where you’re willing to binge with him, but ask him to respect your diet the rest of the week.
Post # 6
I doubt he’s intentionally sabotaging you. It’s probably more of an avoiding guilt thing. If you’re watching your diet, exercising, and losing weight, then it makes him feel like a shlub for sitting on the couch eating pizza. So if you both partake, then at least he’s not the fat and lazy one all by himself. I’d just tell him that while you appreciate that he thinks you’re attractive no matter what, you’d like to feel a little better about yourself and feel sexier for him. So could he please help you avoid temptation by not bringing home junk food.
Post # 7
Thanks ladies! I do think part of it is an insecurity, and another part of it is his own eating issues. He’s overweight and doesn’t make an effort to work on it. I’ve made huge strides with what we cook at home, but as he hasn’t lost a pound despite what I cook, I suspect (and it was confirmed) that during business hours he’s out with clients and friends eating all sorts of who knwos what for lunch. And then he skips meals sometimes. I’m sure his metabolism is out of whack.
I am going to stick to my guns, and I wonder if I consistently don’t give in to the eating pressure (because, honestly? That is what it really is), maybe he’ll change, himself. Or, maybe not. But ultimately I am resposible for myself. He’s much larger than I am, I would say about 60 lbs overweight. And in the beginning of our relationship he was working on it… but now, he just isn’t. So perhaps that’s another reason he wants me to ‘not care’.
Post # 8
@artichokesalad: My FH is the SAME EXACT WAY! I could have written everything you just said. It’s actually one of the things we’ve started fighting about :/ because he will be an ass about it. He brings home pizza and crap and then will wave whatever junk food he has in my face and make all these “yummy” noises which drives me nuts. I’ve started leaving anytime he brings home crap (I’ll go to the gym or take a walk) which I don’t love doing but is really the only thing keeping me sane at the moment. I know he hates it b/c he hates eating alone and it usually means me leaving as soon as he gets home but until he’s willing to compromise I don’t want to be around it.
Post # 9
@MrsPinkPeony: Dude, your Fiance is being a big giant ASS. WTF?
Post # 10
@lezlers: Um YEAH–that’s horrible. WTF, indeed.
Post # 11
Is it possible he’s a feeder, and equates feeding you with love?
My Mother-In-Law is like that – every time I visit, I gain 5 pounds. 🙂 It’s not malicious… it’s just how her mind works.
Post # 12
@mrbee: True. I learned that one from my grandma. I show my loved through baked goods on a regular basis, LOL!
Post # 13
@MrsPinkPeony: Does he not know youre trying to lose weight? That is so rude and mean.
Post # 14
my fi is kind of the same way… he doesnt do it on purpose… and he has told me he doesnt want me to be too skinny because he doesnt find super thin girls attractive… i think you should just talk to your fi about how he is making you feel! i had to do that with my fi and now that he understands how hard it is to lose weight and be healthy he has backed off and is being much more supportive of my efforts 🙂
Post # 15
@mrbee: His mom is, which ended up being a lifelong weight issue for her and also for him. That is one of the HUGE reasons I avoid going to visit them, because I don’t want to be rude, but her food is dripping with oil and fat. Dripping.
I think that is what contributed to his weight problems, majorly. He sees food as a reward rather than substinance.
@MrsPinkPeony: I never thought about leaving before but I think it’s a good idea. He hasn’t gotten to the point of that with me. In our home, usually when he presses for pizza or junk food I shut it down and make him something decent. But it’s a free for all each weekend he visits his family… and I can’t control the crap they eat or what eh brings home.
I am sad to say this but it’s akin to having a child and the father or mother shower them with treats and no boundaries… and then the other parent has to deal with the repercussions for days. If he asks me to bake him something, or to go buy dessert today, and I say “no” – he would probably rebel and say “I’m a grown man and I can eat whatever I want!” haha.
Post # 16
@artichokesalad: Going out for a walk or run or leaving the house to exercise might actually be a good idea. You get to avoid the temptation, keep up your progress, and it will show him that there’s no reward for bringing home junk other than eating it by himself…it’s not going to be going to you! It may make him realize that (even if he’s subconsciously doing it) there’s not a reward for bringing home junk food and it’s not going to change your eating habits.
Also- Why not let him bake his heart out, with an understanding that you’ll donate the goods to a nursing home or a lonely neighbor or bring them to religious meetings if you two practice a religion. He gets to bake, you get to bring treats to others, and the goods get out of your house! 🙂