Post # 1
O.k. Hive I have been losing sleep over my situation for weeks now and I could really use some opinions.
Here’s the skinny,
My Fiance/Boyfriend/whatever is name is and I have been dating for almost 4 years. We met in college and have been together since then. The Boy graduated a year before me and after graduation I moved to the same city to be with him. Much to the protesting of my parents we moved in together and lived in city A for 6 months before I got a great job offer in my hometown. Fast forward 4 months later. Boy and I have been living with my parents and I just got a job offer last week. We are hoping to have our wedding next spring with about 50 guests.
So here’s the problem, well problems, I should say. With the exception of my parents, none of my family knew that we have lived together once before and with us being in my hometown, it is going to be really hard to keep that a secret. So somehow in the evolution of events it has been decided that we are having a small ceremony next month and the “real” wedding on our 1st anniversary(when we can actually afford it).
It all sounds good in theory, but I have some major concerns, first and foremost being that I am worried that next year won’t be special because everyone will know we have already been married for a year. Also, the boy has mentioned that he feels weird since he never even technically proposed and all of the sudden we are getting married. He was also envisioning the year long engagement (in which he would actually have time to propose and buy me a ring). I was raised traditionally, so part of me feels like we should try to do things the right way and get married, then apartment and make the family happy in the process. Then the other part says, well you’ve already lived together, why rush things?
Listen, we know that we want to marry each other someday, but something about this whole thing feels off. Am I going to regret having two weddings? Even though both will be beautiful in their own way. Will giving up on my original plan make the whole experience sort of anti-climactic?
Post # 3
Are you getting married next month just so it is “okay” to be living together? If you’re just worried about what others think and not doing it for yourself, then I would not do that. Plenty of bees (myself included) live with FIs before marriage. There’s no “right” way to do it. You do it the way it works for you and your life.
Post # 4
Having 2 weddings mostly to avoid the awkwardness that you two have lived together before marriage sounds kind of strange. It seems like a lot of hassle just to hide the fact that you lived together.The people at your wedding should be there to celebrate your love as a couple- not judge you!
It sounds like there’s actually a bigger issue at hand here. You said: “Also, the boy has mentioned that he feels weird since he never even technically proposed and all of the sudden we are getting married.”
It doesn’t sound like your Boyfriend or Best Friend is on the same page as you are… I think that it’s important that a long-term relationship has a timeline or goal to work towards, but it shouldn’t define the relationship. It sounds like your Boyfriend or Best Friend isn’t comfortable with this plan & he wants to do it his way…
I think your Boyfriend or Best Friend has already told you his opinion on this situation. You said it “feels off” but I really don’t think its the 2 weddings thats giving you this feeling. Your Boyfriend or Best Friend hasn’t proposed & he even told you he’s uncomfortable with these plans, especially since he “never technically proposed”. I think you shouldn’t be worrying about the wedding at this point. Just enjoy your relationship… you said yourself you want to be married SOMEDAY, so why the rush right now??
Post # 5
Agreed.. don’t force a wedding to happen if you aren’t ready. Granted my Fiance and I are a little older (31 & 28) but we have been living together for three years. You can’t get married just to make living together okay.
Don’t worry about what your family will think or say. I’m sure my family was shocked with myself and two of my cousins all moving in with our SO w/o being married w/in a year of each other.. but they all got over it.. no big deal.
You said you are living with your parents.. so they know.. they are the most important opinion.. I’m assuming his parents know too??
Post # 6
I too agree. Getting married just to justify living together does not seem to be the best solution. Also, if you met in college and have been together since then, I am assuming you are in your mid-twenties? Are you financially independant other than living with your parents?
It may not be a parents’ dream to have their children living with a SO – but I have always found that as long as the relationship heads in the right direction, everyone comes around.
Post # 7
I have a friend who secretly eloped before moving in with her husband. They were engaged, but she couldn’t live with him without being married for her own personal reasons. The only people that knew they were married were their parents. They then had the big wedding that they were planning, and it was just as special as it was meant to be.
I say, if you and Fiance are doing it for the two of YOU, have 2 weddings. If you’re doing it for other people, don’t. You both have to be on the same page though.
Post # 8
I’m going with the PP’s here. Only have the first, small ceremony if both of you want it. Which it sounds like is not the case. I’m from the south originally, and in my old social circles, there was definitely pressure to not live together before marriage. If this is what you’re dealing with, I totally understand, but I also want to reiterate that it’s what works for you and your fiance that is really, truly important. If you two feel like you should live together in your current town for awhile before he proposes and you have the big wedding, then do that. If you want to get married in a small ceremony, then celebrate later, do that, as long as it’s you and not your parents, your church, or your friends that are making that decision.
Post # 9
My fiance and I have been living together for a year now and our wedding isn’t for another two, but I wouldn’t rush to get married just to make other people happy. Trust me, I’ve gotten tons of comments from older family members about how we’re living in sin but I couldn’t care less. I’m happy and I’m not going to rush to do anything if it isn’t what will make my fiance and I the happiest. So unless it’s 100% what both of you agree on (which it doesn’t sound like it is) then I probably would wait to have your ceremony on the same day as the celebration, regardless of who disagrees with that decision. You need to be happy with your decision and everyone else can mind their own business 🙂
Post # 10
Thanks everyone for all of the amazing and thoughtful advice. Your opinions confirmed what I think I already knew in my heart, but was having trouble taking a stand on. So with the support of the hive, I had a heart to heart with my SO and we decided that making US happy was the number one most important thing. No more wedding in a month. Full speed ahead with the traditional engagement and ONE AND ONLY ONE wedding. We are going to get an apartment and live our lives the way we want and let my family think what they will.eupenmalmody hit the nail on the head. I think that as long as we eventually get married, my super-conservative family will come around. And yes to answer the question, his parents are totally ok with it and yes I am from the South and that has a lot to do with it culture wise. Thanks ladies, I’m excited about my wedding again, the one NEXT year! (oh and the dress I bought for wedding 1 had now become the perfect rehearsal dinner dress 🙂 )
Post # 11
ktisthatbees: I’m so glad that you were able to get some resolution.. you must feel a MILLION times better. It’s always hard to be the ground breaker in the family.. the first one to “break tradition”… but just know that you aren’t the only one out there going thru it, and you will find LOTS of people in similar situations here in the hive. I’m happy to hear that once again you are EXCITED about your wedding, it’s the way it should be.
Post # 12
Trust me – stay with just the one special wedding. My husband and I were friends for 8 years and dating for 2 when he proposed – then I found out I was pregnant. I was in university and he had just joined the military. the military refused us housing unless we were married and I was going to lose my midwife (which I had waited on a 6 month waiting list for) if I didnt move within their area code soon. So….long story short we had a very quick civil ceremony with just our parents. I cried the morning of that “wedding” and just looked at my husband and said “I really wanted the dress and the whole sha-bang”. I never thought I wanted the big family wedding until my rush wedding became a reality. Needless to say we decided to have our church wedding this year and I am really excited. I still have thoughts in my head though like “is it wrong to have a second wedding?”, but I was raised Catholic and the church wedding is really important to me.
I say to it the way you want it the first time and dont let someone else change what is special to you!
Good luck 🙂
Post # 13
Yay glad you decided that :).
Honestly, who cares what people are saying? They’re not your friends, or if they are they should be sticking up FOR you.
I’m living with my FI’s parents & he’s living there too. We’re in seperate rooms (poor guy has the most uncomfortable couch) & we don’t want to live together til we’re married. We’re living at the same place kinda, because I’m having bad roomie issues where I rent & can’t stay there so I’m staying with his family. I understand what people may assume & how it sucks that rumors are spread. We believe in not living together til marriage & now that I’m temporarily staying there til I get my new house.. thou it feels like people are gonna judge us. So in a way I understand about rumors/living together before marriage.
However, I’m glad your SO & you are happy with the decision & that your family is too :). Plus, you have an entire year to plan your wedding instead of a few weeks :).
Post # 14
- Wedding: May 2010 - Carlouel Yacht Club
I’m glad you guys decided to do that!
If it is any consolation, Mr. B’s family is very very conservative, but when I moved to VA, he went with me and we lived together for the 6 months I was there. I was worried about it at first, but then we both realized that it wasn’t as big of a deal as we were making it out to be in our heads. I definitely advocate the year long engagement…it gives you enough time to save, to shop around, and to make sure that you have everything under control. Haha, or if you’re me…it gives you a lot of time to dream up all the amazing things you want to do…and then at 2 months out you freak out at the thought of actually having to complete projects…
Post # 15
@ktisthatbees: So so glad that you and your Fiance have come to a decision that you both are happy with. It will make the road ahead be that much more fun and peaceful.
Post # 16
well yours is obviously a bit different situation than ours – especially if you were to be telling people you ARE married after your first ceremony…
I could see where it would be a little ackward…
my husband and I got married 1 year ago (almost exactly! yay!) – April 13 last year as he was in DESPERATE need to be on my insurance in order to have surgery done. So we had a small ceremony – just us, my parents, and our best friends (my moh/her husband)…on our deck at our house.
Asides from those I just mentioned, the minister that was there (a good family friend) and later on we told his mother – nobody else in real life knows that we are married. It’s been very hard to keep this secret – especially at work when I have to call him my “fiance” and not my husband…but it has worked for us!
Now – as far as still going through with the actual WEDDING – we are very excited because it’s EVERYTHING we wanted – but I know it’ll be easy because almost nobody knows we ARE already married…i’m not by any means telling you to keep your marriage from anyone for a year – but that’s what we did and so we don’t have the ackwardness of having a wedding after we’ve already been married for over a year – and that was one of the main reasons we DIDN’T tell anyone.
The small ceremony we had – I wore a cute dress and got my hair done – he wore a suit – and afterwards we all went for dinner – but we did NOT make a big deal out of it all. Our wedding in june will be HUGE! 😀
So that’s that – now as far as it sounding like maybe you AREN’T ready to actually GET married (he hasn’t really proposed?) then no – I say don’t rush into it. Let him do it right and propose and all that. If you’re really concerned about being married before the wedding – and it sounds like you’re more on the other side of the fence than we were – then again – just wait and have your awesome wedding and celebrate your marriage with everyone then.
I may have missed it – but honestly is it that big of a deal that you two are living together beforehand? Is it against your religion? Is your family against it?…