(Closed) is he being unreasonable… or am I (long post)

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
2009 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

He sounds emotionally abusive, manipulating or at least an asshole.

First, why are you answering to him and justifying yourself?

Second, create a list of house chores and split it up.  Now he can be responsible for the housework too.

Third, do not allow someone to push your limits like this.

Who asks for a list!?!?!?!! 

No, no, no no.  You guys need a communication overhaul.

Post # 4
124 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

I’m sorry you’re going through this. Have you thought of couples counseling? It might help work out any problems especially since you were together before, and it may help each of you see the other persons side of view. I hope you find your happiness. (Counseling could also help you decide if maybe you’re just better off without him, it seems like your relationship is a lot more stressful then it should be)

Post # 5
8738 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2011

This is a completely unhealthy relationship. He is being totally unreasonable and demanding. Does he do anything around the house? Does he want a wife or a cleaning lady/cook/parrott who recites compliments?

Personally, I’d suggest cutting your losses and moving on, you do not deserve this kind of abuse and negativity in your life. If you really do want to try and make things work then you need to get some couples counselling to work on your communication and your relationship. It currently sounds like he has no respect for you and if you want to have a happy and loving relarionship then you need respect.

Also, think about your child. Do you want your child to always see his parents fighting? Or to see how his dad treats you and learn to treat women the same way? Your son will look up to his father, if his father is going to be a large part of his life, he needs to be setting a good example.

Post # 6
7561 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: January 2013

If this wasn’t the father of your child, would you be with him? Trust me, being around one stable parent is better than an unhealthy relationship.

Are you sure that you not only love him but can live with him for the rest of your life? In my book, love is not enough. You BOTH have to work everyday to make a healthy relationship.

He sounds kind of immature – he needs to accept that you’re different and give you credit for trying to change. It’s easy for us to regress to our younger selves when we’re with people we’ve been around forever. It’s like how I instantly become 17 when I hang out with my high school best friend. I don’t think that means that he can’t change, but he needs to realize it’s a problem and try to work on it. 

Post # 7
1431 posts
Bumble bee

but I feel like im getting remarried to a guy that currently just makes me want to kill myself…

 This relationship sounds really toxic for the both of you, and mostly your child.  I would feel horrible about my life if my husband always talked to me like that also.  It looks like you have over a year before your wedding which is good because you need to put some serious thought into what’s right for you and your son. And if you feel your relationship is repairable then hold off on planning the wedding and put your effort into that first. Counseling sounds like a must. You both need to learn to communicate better if you want a chance at a happy healthy life for your family. Hang in there!

Post # 8
807 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

Get out and stay out. Me and my fi are a little bit like loners well kind of. We don’t go out with friends, we just go for a meal together or the cinema and that suits me fine. Once a week a friend will come in and have food with us and play computer games with fi but we don’t have a social life as such and were perfectly happy with that. I would hate to be living with someone who doesn’t “get it”.

Im a bit lazy I’ll admit that, but once I start cleaning I’m fine, though I don’t see the point of spending the whole day cleaning and neither does fi. Our house is not dirty, just a bit messy sometimes. Your fi sounds like some sort of control freak whose got OCD. 

You werent happy the first Time around and you are clearly not happy now. The only list you should be writing is a shopping list. 




Post # 9
4136 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2018

Wow. So I’m sorry if this comes across as insensitive but I’ve never read a post that’s made me feel so strongly.

Your Fiance is a jerk. He is abusive and manipulating. He does not deserve you. You are not his slave. And what’s with his crap about bettering yourself? It’s manipulative and belittling. And what about this stupid “list ways you’re not selfish” He doesn’t sound like he loves you, he wants to control you.

There are so many statements in your post which shows his manipulative nature.

Get out. It’s hard (I’ve been there) but be strong!

Post # 10
2786 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

Is he aware that wife does not equal maid/slave?

You don’t owe him lists of all the way you do things fo him…and you certianly don’t deserve to be placed under some kind of points system where things you do for someone do ro do not “count” based on whether you had to do them anyway or not. That is ludicrous and cruel.

If you want to “better yourself”, then do that for you, not to try and prove something to this asshole.

He sounds like a complete dick, or at the very VERY least someone with a ridiculous amount of growing up to do. Either way, you two need serious counselling, or to not be with one another.

I’m sorry, but it really sounds like you got it right the first time with this guy. You really don’t deserve this treatment from ANYONE, let alone the person you love.

Post # 11
487 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

He sounds emotionally abusive.

Lovely, pretty and exciting wedding stuff aside…do you really want this? The wedding is only the beginning – the marriage is supposed to be for life. Can you really see yourself spending your whole life living this way?

You could still have a wedding a few years down the line – with someone who makes you happy and you look forward to entering into a lifetime marriage with.

He talks about “bettering yourself” – well I honestly think you can better yourself by not marrying this douche and waiting for your real Mr. Right to come along. 

Post # 13
923 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2013

This sounds *exactly* like my ex-husband.  The whole “bettering yourself” and “you should be doing it anyway” thing totally gave me flashbacks.  I know you already know this since you’ve been married to him before, but it only gets worse after you get married.  For me, he showed his true colors on our honeymoon.

With my ex, no matter what I did it wasn’t good enough.  One of the phrases he used that drove me insane was “unacceptable.”  Whatever it was that I was doing wrong was unacceptable.  If I wanted to work in the yard I should have been working in the house.  If I was doing housework then I was doing it wrong.  He would tell me “I don’t know how they do things in [my hometown], but in the real world people do it like this…”  This phrase was used about everything from housework to wearing makeup to my food choices.  He hated milk (I drink a gallon every other day or so), and assumed that everyone else should too.  He would say things like “normal adults don’t drink milk, you’ll grow out of it.”  I won’t even mention the super offensive term he used for cornbread.  He thought that no matter what, he was right and if you didn’t agree with him then you were wrong.  The sense of entitlement was massive too.  He would pitch temper tantrums if I wanted to read a magazine or do a crossword puzzle while sitting in the same room as him.  He thought that I should be paying just as much attention to the TV as he was and if I wasn’t then it was an affront to him.  I, too, am a bit of a loner and need “me time.”  According to him, me time is “twentysomething psychobabble for being selfish.”  It’s kinda funny, before I left him he insisted that I was the one with the problem and I was the one who needed to see a therapist.  He didn’t think he had a problem so couples therapy was out.  After I left he kept crying about doing whatever it took whether that meant couples therapy.  Yeah right, that line would have lasted right up until I unpacked my things.  Then it would have been back to being all my fault.  He even sent my parents an email telling them that they needed to “rein me in.”  HA!  Like my parents were going to sacrifice their daughter to him.   

The point is, he sounds like a narcissist.  If you do decide to stay in this relationship then I urge you to fully research narcissistic personality disorder.  There are online support groups out there for those in relationships with people with NPD.  They were a lifesaver for me when I was planning my escape. 

Post # 14
471 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

@jellibeanism:  He is being emotionally abusive to you. Think long and hard about if you want your child to grow up thinking this is what love is. If he refuses counseling then I would cancel the wedding and move on with your life.

You are being a zombie because you are shutting down. This affects your child too. It broke my heart that when I was in an abusive relationship my kids would say all I ever see you do is cry. Where is happy mommy? The best decision I made in my life was getting out of that relationship. I turned into a shell of my former self. I was afraid to breathe that it would set him off. I didn’t look anyone in the eye and hung my head all the time. I did not smile or if I did it was for just a brief moment. He destroyed my soul until I took back my life.

Now, 2 years later, I have a Fiance that is great with all my kids. He tells me everyday how lucky he is to have me. He makes me feel great all the time. My kids are happy, I am happy.

Post # 15
81 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

My Darling Husband is more social than I am. He could always be around people and be happy, whereas I need my alone time here and there. I know he doesn’t fully understand how I am, just like I don’t fully understand how one could never need alone time, but we respect each others feelings on the matter. If he wants to go out and I feel the need to stay home alone, that’s what we do. We would never try to change the other person or make them feel badly because we didn’t understand the others need for space. Your Fiance is manipulating you. I would try for counseling and if that doesn’t change things then reevaluate. You sound very unhappy and that makes me sad for you. A marriage should uplift you way more than it brings you down. 

Post # 18
1004 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

LEAVE this guy is not worth a second thought.

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