(Closed) is he being unreasonable… or am I (long post)

posted 9 years ago in Emotional
Post # 79
Member
1180 posts
Bumble bee

CHILDREN WHO WITNESS
Witnessing violence between one’s parents
or caretakers is the strongest risk factor of
transmitting violent behavior from one
generation to the next.
7
Boys who witness domestic violence are
twice as likely to abuse their own partners
and children when they become adults.
8
30% to 60% of perpetrators of intimate
partner violence also abuse children in the
household.
9

http://www.ncadv.org/files/DomesticViolenceFactSheet(National).pdf

For more information or to get help, please call:at 1-800-799-7233THE NATIONAL SEXUAL ASSAULT HOTLINE AT 1-800-656-4673THE NATIONAL TEEN DATING ABUSE HOTLINE AT 1-866-331-9474

Post # 80
Member
9168 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

First, I just want to scream at him “and what the hell are you doing for jellibeanism that’s completely unselfish?!”  Okay, now that I have that out of my system – you are in an abusive relationship that is very unhealthy for you and your son.  You need to find a safe way to leave and never look back.  You should not marry this man, he will continue reverting back to his old ways over and over and over again.  I’ve been in the relationship you described (though we were never engaged or married or had a child together thankfully) but the point is, he’s not going to change. The fact you want to kill yourself over it (been there, too) is very telling.  Please seek counseling for yourself and make an action plan to leave.  Life is too short to be miserable.  Be safe and Good luck.  Big hugs for you and your son. xo

Post # 81
Member
9168 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

Reading through all the responses now I just wanted to add…

You said:  Evidentally he even spoke to one of his friends who has been in and out of counselling from childhood and she agreed that this was no real way to go about counselling and she was out of order?


I very much doubt he spoke with his friend and/or that his friend actually said that.  Don’t believe a word this man says to you! My ex used to tell me all the time that his friends thought I was crazy for getting upset about him doing XYZ (all bad very bad things) yet when I got them alone they would tell me I should leave him and how awful he was and how everything he was doing to me was awful (YES, HIS friends were telling me that!)

I hope you find the strength in you to leave this horrible man.

Post # 82
Member
68 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

Please leave him! I am genuinely worried for you and your son.

If he’s worn down your self respect enough that you can’t leave for yourself, at least leave for your little boy. Both of you deserve MUCH better than this.

Please don’t believe his lies, don’t allow him to continue to treat you so badly, walk away. I feel like I want to get in my car, drive to your house, put you and your son in my car and drive you someplace safe right now.

Please stop letting him hurt you and your son.

x

Post # 83
Member
1953 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

Either get out of this now, or drag his douchey butt to counsiling. This is not healthy for you or your son.

Post # 84
Member
10220 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

Make a list of every mean thing he has said or done to you.  In writing.  When you start to wonder if you should give him another chance, you can look at your list.

It’s really powerful.

Post # 85
Member
684 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

@Sunfire:  I grew up with someone diagnosed with narssistic Personality disorder. My dad. 

I talk from experience here – I have low self esteem. I can’t say no to people though sometimes I want to. I hoard things because he used to throw away my stuff and I can’t cope with it. 

It forces you to react. My sister turned her frustration outward, she’s very hot tempered and aggressive. She gave up on my dad a long long time ago. She still remembers him accusing her of trying to get between him and mum when she was four. She has trust issues. She is a little resentful to mum because though mum is wonderful, it still happened, she didn’t listen to our suffering, the times we were smacked with bits of wood for laughing too loud as we played. When she saw she told him to stop. He never did. She never left him.

I turned my frustration inwards. I blame myself. I still love my dad, I still wish we had a relationship like my friends have with their dads. My grandad is like a dad to me but he doesn’t know what went on. It’s still a secret. My patience is infinate because I don’t think I deserve better. When I studied to teach I had to learn to not be a pushover. It was hard and It took a lot to make it. I still have to mentally prepare myself everyday not to let this ruin my career and  every moment I worry I’ll lose my nerve and i’ll fail. I’ve been to the doctor for depression for years, I’ve had medication for anxiety and I suffer from OCD that actually verges on interfering with my life. 

I’m sorry for writing in statements, I have to put it that way when I talk about it because I have to state just facts about me, I can do that, but it’s hard to say why they are the case. Really they are my fault because I could have reacted differently to my environment. My sister is a strong capable woman, I chose to be passive and pathetic subconciously so I can only blame myself for that. My doctor says that this alone is something we need to deal with but I can’t imagine being able to be different, i’m not sure I want to stop blaming myself. I see her face when I say that and I feel bad. 

Op:

I’m so sorry for posting my sad silly story but I wanted you to know that you deserve better. You are a lovely lady, I can tell from your writing. I don’t want you or your little one to feel like I do. Xx

Post # 86
Member
10220 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

@Anardana:  

My dad was NPD too.  I’m not sorry he’s gone.

We both deserved better when we were just innocent little girls.  

I am glad you are getting some support, so am I.

My mother was very abusive as well.  

You deserve to be here and you deserve happiness.  I suspect it took a lot of courage for you to respond to the OP.  But, you did it out of your unselfish concern for the well being of a total stranger and a helpless child.  Thst is a real statement about the kind of caring person you are.

Post # 87
Member
7528 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

@Anardana:  

View original reply
@sassy411:  

Big hugs to both of you.  My dad was similar to both of yours which is why we don’t feel anything “unusual” about being abused by a man, it feels familiar to us to be treated that way.

The day we woke up and realized it was WRONG, and our dads weren’t cut out to be decent fathers, is the day we took the first step towards freedom and psychological health.

I wish both of you peace, healing and much love. xoxoxo

Post # 88
Member
201 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

Hi OP, I’m sorry if I am just repeating what other people have posted (I didnt read the responses) but I think your Fiance is being a little bitch. It sounds like he’s projecting his insecurities onto you….what kind of condescending asshole wants you to continually “improve yourself”. Fuck him. Let him improve his own GD ass for once by not being a whiney ass titty baby for 5 consecutive seconds.

I would seek couples counselling. Bottom line is, he should be accepting you for the way you are instead of trying to change you. Yeah there are always areas in our lives where we can use improvement, but you should remind your Fiance that improving is not the same as trying to be EXACTLY LIKE HIM. Guess what. some people are introverted and like to spend time alone…this isn’t a defect, this is just the WAY SOME PEOPLE ARE. Just like some people are black or white or male or female…it just IS. One is not better than the other. He needs to see this.

There are obviously good things about him, so I’m not gonna rag on either of you for wanting to get married…I can actually see a lot of myself in your Fiance (sorry to say lol), but honey, you need to shut this shit down asap. There’s no way you will be happy for the rest of your life with someone constantly reminding you what a failure you are (or the failure he thinks you are rather).

I’ve got an idea…maybe show him the responses on this thread and if he starts to bitch about it, tell him – HEY SORRY BUT YOU NEEDED TO HEAR THIS SO YOU CAN IMPROVE YOURSELF.

Post # 89
Member
10220 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

There are happy endings possible.  Step one is alway to dump the narcissist.

My ex was NPD as well,and yes, it does feel familiar.  Miserable, but familiar.  I met my DH while I was going thru my awful divorce.  He was always the perfect gentleman caller.  No pressure, just nice dinners out, time with the dogs.

Honestly, my current therapist is a bit baffled as to how I managed to pick such a good man for myself with all of my issues.  He comes with me totally willingly to my sessions.  My therapist says I struck gold.  He treats me like a queen, he’s stable and smart and depenable.

Of course, we can’t find these gentlemen when 100 per cent of our energy is consumed trying to figure our abusers out and manage them.

DH and I have been together 9 yrs, married 2.5.

Post # 90
Member
3615 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

Accidental rapes? If this were your “daughter” or friend…what would you tell her to do?  This is disgusting on so many levels.  I really hope you can see this from an outsiders prospective and realize you are dragging this on and on with no light at the end of the tunnel.

 

I wish you all the best and hope you do what;s right for you and your SON.

Post # 91
Member
7528 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

@sassy411:   I struck gold now with my Fiance, too.  I’m still amazed and feel so blessed.  My ex was abusive, too, just like my dad was.

There ARE good men in the world who treat the woman they love with kindness and compassion.  It’s a whole new beautiful world once you find him.

But you’re right – step #1 is Dump the Narcissist  !!

Post # 92
Member
201 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

I just read the updates and his reactions and UGH as usual, I’m late to the party, but yeah this guy is a Grade A DICKWAD. He sounds like a fucking sociopath and the fac tthat HE has problems taking accountibility for HIS actions is HIS fault. I get loving someone very much and not wanting to leave, but no one should ever treat you with this level of disrespect. To be honest, this guy sounds like my dad and the best thing my mom did for me was to leave him. The best thing he did for me was not to ever speak to me again. This guy is fucked up.

Post # 93
Member
684 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

@sassy411:  

View original reply
@Sunfire:  

Thankyou for your supportive comments. I’m so glad you ladies have found ways to move onwards and upwards. When you have to let go of someone even though you love them because you realise that a healthy relationship is about more than one person feeling love it’s hard. You tell yourself you are being selfish to want better, that you should be grateful for what you have, but the truth is you are grateful but no-one deserves to be made to feel worthless and you aren’t helping the other person by allowing them to treat another person that way. 

I hope your lives continue to go from strength to strength. Xx

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