(Closed) Is he commitment phobic or normal?

posted 4 years ago in Relationships
Post # 46
Member
4823 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

zebra10:   This guy is playing the field and by taking your calls you are one of the field, nothing more.     Please don’t expect more, he clearly isn’t capable of it.    

He called you a stupid ignorant American?   There is no reason to even talk to this person, ever again.  

Post # 47
Member
10953 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

zebra10:  

So, in addition to all of his other stellar qualities, he also calls you names?

Post # 48
Member
3470 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2012 - The Gables Inn, Santa Rosa, CA

zebra10:  This is not a “normal” response.  A normal and healthy response when someone is feeling pressued about something is to TALK to your SO about it, not look for someone to cheat with.  

His actions in my opinion say he’s trying to salvage what you had because he’s happy as long as you’re not looking or anything more.  

He’s likely viewing your efforts to give him “space” as you letting go of the relationship, and he doens’t want to lose you, but he also has no intention of letting things grow and be more serious.  He sounds like a selfish person who’s only looking out for his own desires and not anyone else’s.  

 EDIT: Just because you haven’t caught him in other lies doesn’t mean they aren’t there.  this is TWO circumstances where he’s lied to you and spent time with other women… how many times do you have to catch him beore you understand this is routine behavior for him? You’ve already shown him you’ll tolerate this behavior, and you allow him to manipulate you with childish responses like the “silent treatment” every time you bring up a larger/longer commitment.  

Seriously, forget about any positives you may see in this guy – re-read your post as if your friend wrote it… What would your advice to her be? This is NOT the kind of behavior that will go away, especially after you’ve shown him you’ll continue the relationship and give him “space” when he throws a tantrum about it.  Is this really the kind of man you want to be married to? 

Post # 49
Member
3470 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2012 - The Gables Inn, Santa Rosa, CA

P.S. The fact that he lied to you about meeting her for drinks is cheating to me.  Anything you wouldn’t be willing to do in front of your SO is cheating, the fact that he feels the need to lie and hide it tells you that his behavior is NOT ok. 

Post # 50
Member
1297 posts
Bumble bee

 

juliette.eliza:  you offer fantastic insight and advice. I am saddened to say that I think it will fall on deaf ears

Post # 51
Member
1262 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

zebra10:  I… just… are you real?

Yeah, he just went on a date with another woman… in the middle of the night… and lied about it, and covered it up. Totally normal! Yeah no. He’s cheating on you. Stop burying your head in the ground. He deleted texts because they proved the cheating, and he changed her name in his phone so you wouldn’t find out about his side piece.

Also, you’re saying it’s OK that he cheated on me, because he felt pressure. You think he’s going to magically stop “feeling pressure”? If you two were to get married (p.s., this is never, ever going to happen), would the pressure to commit from being married make it OK for him to go sleep with a bunch of other women?

Or is your plan to just never get married? You think he’s going to be all loving once he has no pressure, so is your end game to just casually date him forever, so that he never feels pressure again? What exactly is your end game here, if you honestly believe the only reason he’s seeing other women is from “pressure”?

Post # 52
Member
3470 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2012 - The Gables Inn, Santa Rosa, CA

pussinboots83:  Thanks! Sadly, I think you’re right. 

Post # 53
Member
2427 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: NJ

He wants to be in touch with you, so he can call you up for a booty call if he wants to.

He knows you will put up with anything from him, because you have shown him you will.

He plays the field with other girls, and can use you as a shield, telling them “I have a girlfriend” in case he wants to back away from them.

He will never agree to stop seeing other girls, let alone get engaged to you. This is a very toxic person and he will hurt you a lot if you keep seeing him.

Post # 54
Member
313 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

zebra10:  My husband told me he loved me after maybe a month and proposed to me after a year of dating.  The man knows after 14 months whether he’s ready to marry or not.  It’s just not the answer you want. 

Post # 55
Member
2342 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

UK-bee:  “however its not your job to be a jerk whisperer”

Love it! And WILL steal it!

Post # 56
Member
271 posts
Helper bee

You need to let go of this guy and put your energy into getting on with your life, invest time in relationships with your friends and family and doing things you are passionate about. Yes, it hurts when you really want a relationship to work with someone but he is making it pretty obvious that he is not that into you. Free yourself up to find someone who is!  I’m not a psychic but I’d not hesitate in saying with 99.9% certainty that there is no chance of a ‘Happy ending’ with this man.

Post # 57
Member
3222 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

zebra10: Honestly, he only flirted with and went on dates with other women because he wanted to. Nothing you said or did gave him ‘permission’ to do so. You don’t go on dates at midnight to the bar with ‘just friends’

Post # 58
Member
1888 posts
Buzzing bee

Getting a ring from this guy isn’t worth much when he treats you like this. Please stop blaming yourself for his bad behavior. You can’t pressure a guy into cheating on you. And let’s say you got married, would he feel too much “pressure” again when you want to have kids, or when you ask him to step up in any of the myriad ways you’d need him to throughout your life together? It’s convenient that he’s convinced you that you asserting your needs drives him to other women. I’d let him stay there.

Post # 59
Member
3307 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

There are none so blind as those who will not see. OP, open your eyes.

Post # 60
Member
1553 posts
Bumble bee

arabbel:  the more I read the more I think it couldn’t possibly be real!!! 

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