(Closed) Is he cruel or am I just driving myself mad?…(Long post)

posted 5 years ago in Waiting
Post # 32
5304 posts
Bee Keeper

My DH was a lot like your SO- sincere in his intent to marry but pissing about wanting it to be a surprise (eyeroll), endlessly planning the how and the where and the when. BUT it got to the point where he drove me batshitfuckingcrazy with his inaction- to the point where I considered it carrot dangling and even questioned his sincerity in wanting to marry me. I don’t think he was being deliberately cruel because he was- and is- very sweet and considerate and thoughtful in all other ways. I just don’t think he- and your SO- understand what it’s like to be the ones waiting.

Because ‘waiting’ can be frustrating and uncertain and all kinds of angst. But they’re not waiting, they’re planning- the ball is in their court, they know they’re going to propose, and what a waiting Bee might see as cruel or game playing, the clueless git of an otherwise decent SO sees it as all part of the anticipation. I think it’s even a bit of an ego trip for them to be honest. My advice would be to sit him down and tell him seriously how all of this is making you feel and how it’s starting to have the opposite effect on you and at this point your anticipation is starting to turn to sadness and frustration. 

As for those who keep asking you if you’re engaged yet, ugh. People can be so insensitive. I know it’s tempting to shout Have we made an announcement?! Am I wearing a fucking ring?!  But try to see it as well meant (if clueless) because they think you’re such a great couple/ you’re such a great person in his life, that they’re hoping for an announcement. Others are just nosy- and the ones who are simply nosy aren’t worth a reaction at all. 

  • This reply was modified 5 years, 2 months ago by RobbieAndJuliahaha. Reason: Geez, paragraphs! ffs
Post # 33
176 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2017

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kez89 :  that’s it! you’re on the home run now… 🙂

and next time he brings up the ring in an arugement I would just say something like, “you know what, hun, if you don’t want to get married that’s fine – just say so. but to dangle the ring at me everytime you want to punish me or when you want to get a reaction out of me, is just plain cruel.” I think something like that will spark the conversation that you guys need to have about this issue, because you are slowly getting more and more bitter with him about it, when in reality you should both be really excited for what’s to come.


Post # 34
3046 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2017

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kez89 :  wut?  He taunts you about it if you have an argument? Then resets his timer to propose back a year? Red flags to me. Is your name on the title to the house? 

Post # 36
10829 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

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kez89 :  

Hm, I was ready to aquit him of being overly  controlling or playing mind games, but

I proposed in February (leap year) and he said “That is not how this is going down”. I have tried!

changes my mind a good deal . Sounds like he really needs to make sure you know who’s boss.   

Post # 38
5304 posts
Bee Keeper

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elderbee :  I missed this bit when I originally replied- but it’s hardly a bit. That would change my opinion a great deal as well. 

I’m sorry Bee, but if I proposed to my DH and he shut me down like that, I would’ve been done. I hope it turns out well for you though. 

Post # 39
773 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2012

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kez89 :  I think he may be proposing to you on Christmas or New Year’s…good Luck!!!

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