Post # 1
Member
261 posts
Helper bee
Hi Bees!
Last time I signed into my account (not just lurking anonymously like I have been ha) it was to ask if there were signs or “tells” that your s/o was going to propose. I asked mostly out of curiousity and because he and I were on the same page (agreed that we do want to get married, about where we want to live, how many kids we want, all the important things.)
I know he is still saving for a ring, but it feels like he has been saving FOREVER. I am not the type to give an ultimatum, but I just feel like it is never going to happen. I have asked him to tell me what quarter he is proposing in (like it’s some kind of business deal.. not romantic, I know) and he (probably for good reason) will not tell me, but assures me it will be sometime in 2018.
I wish I had a more concrete timeline. Am I being pushy by asking him again? Is it ever going to happen?! Is he dragging his feet? Did any of you have to practice patience and confidence that it would happen in time?
For reference: we have been together a little over 3 years and lived together 2.5 years.
Post # 2
Member
7439 posts
Busy Beekeeper
This sounds frustrating! But I need more info. How many times have you discussed this? When was the last discussion and what was said during it? Has he given you other timelines in the past that he hasn’t met, or is this “sometime in 2018” the first timeline he’s ever given you? Would you be okay with a more affordable ring (and thus an earlier engagement since less time would be needed to save) – and if so have you expressed that to him?
Post # 3
Member
261 posts
Helper bee
tiffanybruiser : So frustrating! We have been talking about getting married since the very beginning, so at least 50 haha. He was out of work for 1.5 years due to an injury, so I know he isn’t “lying” about saving. And, at the risk of sounding like a snob I know exactly the type of ring I want, and so does he. But I have expressed to him that it doesn’t have to be top of the line, expensive, etc. I just want to take our relationship to the next level. If he is getting a pricier ring, it’s because he wants to, not because I have asked for it.
This is the first time he has given me a real, tangible timeline. I have thought it was happening a few times, but have been wrong, and I’m just getting discouraged.
Instead of being excited that it *could* happen this year, I’m thinking of how sad I will feel if it doesn’t.
Does that make sense? I probably sound like a brat.
Post # 4
Member
7439 posts
Busy Beekeeper
morethanyesterday : You don’t sound like a brat at all bee. What worries me is that he’s given you a timeline, yet you don’t seem very hopeful that he’ll actually stick to it. Does he have a habit of not keeping his word? Because if my boyfriend said “I will propose in 2018” and 2018 came and went without a ring, I’d be livid and would be rethinking the entire relationship. I’m not sure I could remain with someone who would cruelly toy with my emotions like that.
But! Hopefully it won’t come to that. Maybe you should talk to him one more time and make it clear to him that you don’t need a super expensive ring, and at this point what’s most important to you is to get out of this limbo you’ve been in for 3+ years where you “want” to be married but have taken zero steps toward actually making it happen. And that you’re happy with the 2018 timeline, but since there are still 11.5 months to go in 2018, and you don’t want to spend every damn day in a state of anxiety wondering “is this it???” – could he please be slightly more specific about his intentions?
Post # 5
Member
5867 posts
Bee Keeper
morethanyesterday : In answer to your question, yes, I had to practice patience that it would happen. It was super annoying.
Here’s my question – are you ok with waiting until the end of 2018 to get engaged? If you are not ok with that, then I think you need to tell him. That can lead to a discussion about your timeline and his timeline and see if you have a major conflict on your hands.
Second question – are you ok wtih the idea of a traditional proposal where he’s in control? Some women find this romantic and even essential. It’s also really important to some men. But for some women it’s feel disempowering and they’d rather just agree as a couple to get engaged instead of going through some sort of grand gesture for the sake of tradition. If that’s how you feel, you should talk to him and get on the same page.
If ultimaely you are ok with waiting until the end of 2018 and you want the traditional proposal, then I think you should mainly just wait. Maybe check in with him about it in a few months. But if he just told you a timeline and you’re ok with the timeline, it doens’t really make sense to keep bringing it up. When you check in with him, I’d just say something like, “when we talked last December you had said we’d be engaged by the end of this year. I want to give you space to do your thing, but I also just want to make sure that we’re still on the same page about that plan. If that’s no longer your plan, you’ll tell me, right?”
I don’t think you sound like a brat for saying that you would feel sad if he doesn’t propose to you in 2018. After 3 years together and after him actually telling you that he WILL propose in 2018 I’d be very concerned about the future of the relationship if it doesn’t happen. I think that’s rational.
Post # 6
Member
261 posts
Helper bee
tiffanybruiser :
tiffanybruiser : He’s a man of his word, I’m just a paranoid control freak who needs to let him just have this one.
I do want a traditional proposal and I want to be surpised. If 2018 comes and goes, and there is no proposal.. I think I will have way bigger issue to post on Wedding Bee lol!
Thank you for your input.
Post # 7
Member
25 posts
Newbee
morethanyesterday : Oh girl… I waited 4 and a half and he was saving for 2 and a half of those years but my ring is AMAZING and I am glad he waited for when he was ready and he could afford something he was proud of to give me. I think he loves the ring more than I do and I catch him staring at it and smiling. It is worth the wait. Especially if he told you it’ll be in 2018. Trust me on this one 🙂
Post # 8
Member
261 posts
Helper bee
cbgg : Patience is so tough!
However, I do want a traditional, surprise proposal. So for the sake of surprise, maybe I should stop pushing and let things happen.
I’d hate to ruin the surprise for myself. I think knowing it will happen in 2018 should help with the anxiety a bit.
I really like your bit about checking in at the end of the year. That is such a calm and respectful way to approach it. Thank you!
Post # 9
Member
261 posts
Helper bee
tmanon2211 : That makes me feel so much better! And so happy for you too! It must be so fufilling.. and relieving lol.
Post # 10
Member
1737 posts
Bumble bee
I’m currently waiting, and I’m not doing it patiently at all, why he expects me to wait patiently when he knows I have no patience I don’t know? Our timeline is anytime between New Years and our Aniiversary at the beginning of September. He want to “surprise” me as well.
Honestly it’s driving me crazy letting him do his “surprise”, it’s not a surprise to me at all. But I’m working on understanding that this is something he really feels he needs to do.
Post # 11
Member
25 posts
Newbee
morethanyesterday : as long as you trust that he means it when he says 2018 I think it is so worth the wait 🙂 hang in there, it’s coming!!!
Post # 12
Member
948 posts
Busy bee
i asked my husband to marry me, we didnt have rings or anything. maybe if financial issues are holding him back, offer to pay half or something.
Post # 13
Member
263 posts
Helper bee
- Wedding: June 2018 - England
morethanyesterday : I feel your pain! Waiting is tough! I’m naturally not a patient person and a bit of a control freak as well so really struggled with Waiting!! But if I could go back I would have tried to bug my now fiance less over it, as it just made both of us miserable! Try and be as patient as possible and distract yourself. If he has never given you reason to doubt him then trust him that it will happen!
Post # 14
Member
445 posts
Helper bee
Is the “surprise” proposal really worth it if you are miserable waiting for it?
Post # 15
Member
384 posts
Helper bee
morethanyesterday :
“Instead of being excited that it *could* happen this year, I’m thinking of how sad I will feel if it doesn’t.”
Just mention this to him. If he loves you and wants to spend his life with you he will understand where you are coming from and hopefully be able to help you with this worry. Not saying he will give you a smaller timeline…but he can at least calm your fears of having to feel sad because he says it WILL happen. If he is a man of his word like you say I would give him this.