- 4 years ago
Me and my boyfriend are in our early 30s and together for almost one-and-a-half years now. Things are going well, he’s a great guy, the only issue we’re having is that he doesn’t seem to handle decisions/serious talks well. I feel he’s inconsiderate and selfish when it comes to a lot of things, he thinks I’m stressing him every day and make a huge deal out of nothing. I’m in need of an objective view on our relationship and some advice.
We met when he was working close to my hometown. The job was temporary (limited to a little over a year) with the prospect of working for another of their branches in pretty much every city in this country. I recently got laid off from my job that wasn’t really what I wanted to do anyways so it was a great opportunity to plan on moving somewhere together. He really liked the idea, but kept telling me he misses “his” city (a smaller city where he used to live before that job and meeting me) a bit. There are very, VERY limited job chances for me there, the few I’ve tried weren’t exactly great and didn’t lead to anything and because I have to pay back student loans (pretty huge amount) every month I can’t just do something like retail. He then agreed on moving to one of the cities where I could have a good job that really pushes my career (recent grad school graduate, so I haven’t build that much of a career yet) and in one or two years we will look for a place we both love in case he doesn’t feel happy there. He told his boss who found positions for him in those cities. One day he told me that he got contacted by a company in “his” city where he applied for a job during a short (2week) break-up between us earlier that year (not so serious). He told me he wanted to get to know them in case we’ll end up there in the future. Ok for me. Well, he came back after that meeting, telling me the company is awesome and that he told them he’ll come in for a 1-day-training and if they want him they should consider him 100% in. One week later he signed the contract. No words regarding our original plans, nothing. When I confronted him he said that besides our relationship there was never a reason for him to move to another city in the first place.
I was very hurt, but tried to see things from his perspective. He says he just wants to spend one more year in his city to enjoy the new sports team, enjoy the city and hang out with his friends. He said we should just do a long distance thing for one year – I could pursue my career goals, he could stay in his city for one more year and we will hang out every weekend and visit each other. In a year he will know if he can imagine living in my city and we could spend weekends exploring new cities together. I thought it’s a good compromise so I agreed.
Regarding our previous choice for cities he always complained that rent is too expensive etc. Now, with the plan of moving back to his place, nothing is too expensive (and keep in mind, this time he pays the WHOLE rent as we don’t split it obviously). He even took out a BIG loan just because in one apartment it was mandatory to take over a new designer kitchen from a previous tenant (he didn’t get the apartment btw). What hurts me the most is that he already made plans for the next 5 or 6 weekends, all in his city, all stuff that he knows I don’t really like that much (he’s very much into a specific kind of music, ..) or that I can’t even attend (sports trainings…). When I confront him he gets really mad, sometimes to the point where he punshes walls and says I’m ruining his life.
I tried all kinds of things… Calm conversations, texts,.. Nothing helps. At some point he just loses it, answers all questions with “I don’t know” etc. He is convinced that if I would just stop nagging everything would be fine. He also always has excuses (“I only clicked on the “Attend” button on Facebook so I won’t forget the event”, “I can always tell my friends I won’t come a day before”). He also is not very considerate of my insecurities regarding two women in his city, nothing really happened as in cheating, but he did things that hurt me and violated my trust because he was lying. One is his friend, the other one he has no contact with. Everytime I’m afraid something will happen again etc he loses it.
He hardly ever cares about what happens in my life, he forgets important events or listens to me and then replies with “Onto the really important things now…”. He’s not talking to me at the moment because we got into an argument last night. I had an important job interview yesterday.. he texted previously that he’ll be at his friends’ house but we’ll definitely talk on the phone later. 8 hours later I texted him as it was getting late and asked if we would still talk. He just replied “not today” and I replied “Oh, ok, just thought I could tell you about the interview…”. He got mad and cut me off, saying he was too busy talking to his friend (male, by the way).. I know for a fact that during those 8 hours he was on Facebook A LOT, he’s always on his phone, so I was sad about the lame excuse. He then texted something like “Well, you could’ve just told me, but now I want to continue talking to my friend and eat, BYE”. I didn’t respond and haven’t heard from him since.
He does that a lot.. Reducing texting or saying he’ll just heat up food real quick and then call.. It takes him hours and when I confront him he says he was busy. When I tell him that why he’s on Facebook then he comes up with stupid excuses like the app is broken or he just looked up one thing and Facebook didn’t log him out.
When I want to talk to him about my feelings and relationship issues he gets mad or starts rolling his eyes. Sometimes he says he doesn’t know if he “would survive” our relationship, but he also always says that he wants to be with me forever and loves me. From time to time he says that we should continue being together while he figures out if our problems are related to him being stressed or caused by me. He also said one day that he’ll think about whether he CAN continue being with me or not.
I now suspect that for this relationship to work I’ll always have to put my needs after his and that ultimately we can only make it work if I move to his city. I don’t think it’s ok to punsh walls, destroy things, slam phones,.. just because I tell him that his behavior hurts me and that I want some answers regarding the future. He insists he can’t give them because he’s not a magician. Maybe he is totally fine with the LDR thing and “buys” time to see if I changed my mind in a year and move to his place. I don’t feel he’s putting any of my wishes into consideration, he for example looks for apartments where no pets are allowed although he knows I have a cat I love dearly.
I just don’t know what to do.. Are his reactions justified? Am I really a nagging, terrible girlfriend? Should I believe him when he says we’ll love in together in a year?
I’m so hurt and feel so alone in this relationship. Somehow I suspect that he just keeps on doing what he’s doing because his behavior never has any consequences for him. I do believe my jealousy and the fact that I keep telling him to please treat me differently take a toll on him, but isn’t it also his responsibility to make it work?
I’d be forever grateful for any help and advice! Thank you!