(Closed) Is he not ready?

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 4
Member
387 posts
Helper bee

ugh that sucks!!  I’m sorry!  I have a momma’s boy too, but she’s great!  She definitely babies and spoils him since he’s her only child (some of it is him being lazy and knowing his mother will bend over backwards to complete his every whim), but she defers to me on almost everything.  She called me a couple months ago to ask me my opinion on what she should get him for his birthday, for example.  She’s choking a little more on the reins in the recent months because she knows he’ll be graduating in May, proposing to me by November, and she will no longer be the woman he depends on for his livelihood (food, shelter, clothing, etc.– they pay for everything.  Like I said, spoiled 🙂  )

I’m definitely giving you hugs though!  My BFF has a Mother-In-Law that is batshit crazy.  Like, legit crazy.  She makes up stuff and creates drama, even though it’s obvious she’s making it up.  My BFF just ignores her and does her best to minimize drama.  It’s worked out pretty well, especially since her hubby describes his mom like your man describes his.

Post # 5
Member
743 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

If your Fiance has been a momma’s boy all his life, what makes you think he will suddenly change after you are married?  Ultimately, you need to decide what is best for you, but I think you need to seriously consider that fact that his actions regarding his mom won’t change after you get married…..

Post # 6
Member
562 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2011

He probably won’t stop being a momma’s boy… he may get better, and probably will. But he may never change, and you’ll have to decide if you can deal with that or not. I’m sorry 🙁

Post # 7
Member
923 posts
Busy bee

Phew… what a headache to deal with! I’m sorry you’re having to go through this. I’ve dealt with similar issues with my husband and it is very hard. So coming from a place of having been there, here’s what I have to say: (be prepared… this is long!)

Like other PP’s have said, you can’t marry someone expecting them to change. It doesn’t work that way. But I will say that his behavior isn’t conducive to a healthy grown up and adult relationship of any kind. If he wants to have a relationship like that with his mother he can go move in back home and never get married in my opinion. There is such a thing as healthy boundaries and it seems that it what your Fiance needs to find. But at this point with everything that’s happened already, you telling him this is going to go in one ear and out the other, he’s going to take it wrong. 

Get your butts to a professional couples counselor ASAP. And not because you’re Future Mother-In-Law says you have issues, what does she know? She’s not looking at the relationship with a clear view, only her own distorted biased opinions and what she hears from your Fiance. Both of you need to go to a professional to learn how to handle this situation in the best way possible, this will help you both get what you want and keep the relationship intact.

Your Fiance will have a much easier time hearing some of these things about appropriate boundaries and cutting the umbilical cord from a professional who has no interest in taking “sides”. This person can also help you to cope and deal with all this stress. That’s what it did for my husband and I. I talked to a friend going through something similar and she gave me a great referral. Maybe one of your friends can do the same for you. Either way, it was a great tool for us and the only thing I wish is that we would have gone sooner!! We both have really enjoyed going and it continues to be a source of strength for our marriage. It’s amazing… please look into it. You will be doing you all a favor. I actually met with the counselor 1st without my husband and it was such a relaxing and centering experience to have a professional validate my feelings and listen without biased. She helped me formulate what I wanted to get across to my husband in the best way possible so that I can be heard and he doesn’t get defensive. I can’t go on enough about how great it is!! Also, when my husband got back from Iraq that is really when things escalated with his family. The counselor was such a wonderful tool for us to keep our marriage strong and deal with everything else that a military family deals with. A lot of guilt tripping and controlling was going on and the counselor was able to help us nip that in the bud. You have enough to deal with during deployments and Fiance getting re-acclimated to the real world, right?!

Anyway, at least you have your Future Sister-In-Law on your side. But be careful about involving her in too much. It’s great that she’s a support for your relationship but the boundaries need to be set up for all family members and not just as a way to “punish” someone. You know what I mean? Treat everyone the same and it will become excepted by all a little easier.

Take a deep breath and start doing some searching for a counselor or premarital counseling. I promise you that it will really do wonders. 🙂

Post # 8
Member
2103 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

I understand your frustration, but you have to remember, she IS his mother…and if she’s “different” he’s probably been through this his whole life.  She does/says something that upsets others, and he feels he has to defend her, because she’s his mom, because his mom reflects on who he feels he is.  It sounds like his coping mechanism for her behavior has been to just let it slide, knowing it’s weird and different, but finding it easier to let her be than to confront. 

Post # 9
Member
2103 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

Oh, and his mom sounds like my fiance’s sister.  She drives me insane.  But everybody knows she’s the crazy one, and she annoys them, but what good does it do to confront her.  She’s not AWARE of her craziness, so there’s nothing you can say that will make her change her behavior.  My fiance still defends her, though, because she’s his sister and he loves her. 

Post # 10
Member
6998 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 2011

I’m sorry you are going through this! its tough stuff when you have a mama’s boy. this stick out in my mind and maybe you should share it with your Fiance – im not a very religous person so dont think im preaching but this always stuck out to me.

“Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.”

meaning at some point he is going to have to make you his priority. in marriage you have to break away from your parents and start your own life together. he has got to learn to stand up for you and your family and not let her push you guys around.

i know all about having to compromise when it comes to the in-laws. they are very conservative and im just an open book. i have to watch my language and wear one piece bathing suits and say the rosary when im down there – i deal beacause i love my husband but he know that this is not something i am going to bring to our family at least not to the degree that his family does it.

if he is over there fighting for his country he should be the man that he is and not let his mother but into your business. its not like you were hiding something from her anyway, just taking your time. she does not need to know about every aspect of your life.

sorry haha this is turning into me getting frustrated because i’ve been dealing with in law stuff lately – i knew what i was getting into marrying into his family but the reality of it is just now hitting me.

counseling could be a huge help in this – its a really really touchy subject talking about family

 

ANOTHER thing to think about – is he going to make you mommy him? if he is so used to it?

Post # 11
Member
102 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

I know your going to hate to hear this but unfortunately SHE will never change. She is set in her ways and nothing you do or say will make her change. So don’t dwell and what she has to say to you or behind your back. All  you have to do is talk to your finance and have him set boundried. Boundries on how she is allowed to talk to you.. and what she is allowed to say about the relationship. He cant just sit there and excuse the things she does or say because “ that’s just the way she is”. He just needs to have a long chat with her and let her know .. you are the one he is going to marry and spend the rest of his life with .. she doesn’t have to love your like you but she will respect you. Because you will be his partner and mother of his kids one day.  He needs to put his foot down.. just like he has asked you to respect and include her.. he must talk to her as well. I don’t think it’s the smartest things to say when you tell him “ I need to be number one and not your mom”.. we all want that.. but I don’t think its fare that you put him in that type of predicament! Your actions should win you that title it shouldn’t be something you demand. Let him know if she continues to be little you and disrespect you .. you will cut her out of your life..meaning you wont call nor pick up her phone calls etc. Im sure he wont want that! Ultimately have that talk with him now .. rather than later.. your marriage will not be a peaceful one if your future Mother in law feels like she has to put her 2 cents in all of the decisions you and your fiancé should be making.

Post # 13
Member
7587 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2010

@kfraztobe: If you want to speak to a counselor than you should. No spouse should stop someone from seeking outside help. He’s just nervouse that you may decide this relationship isn’t for you.  Do you usually find him to be controlling?

Post # 14
Member
6998 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 2011

@mwitter80: I agree – a counselor can really be helpful – and clearly you are talking to him but he isnt listening. so you need someone who will listen and will give you a non bias opinion on the subject, because you know for a fact he is bias.

i wouldnt go as far as to say its controlling of him to make that statement, unless he has shown controlling tendencies before. i can see how going to a counselor could upset him, people associate going to a professional as having big problems in their relationship but it isnt always that way. i know a ton of people that go ont he regular to just talk about thier lives and work though issues they have, along with issues they may have with their partner.

 

The topic ‘Is he not ready?’ is closed to new replies.

Find Amazing Vendors