(Closed) Is He Really 'The One'?

posted 3 years ago in Engagement
Post # 16
Member
1336 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2016 - Painswick Church and the Falcon Hotel

It doesn’t sound like a healthy relationship, I wouldn’t marry him 

Post # 17
Member
11338 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

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redmango :  

Actually, couples counseling can indeed hurt when there is any form of abuse involved.  Too often, abusers punish their victims at home for what is revealed in session.

Also, I’d be wary of labeling this behavior as *fighting*.  That tags it as some sort of mutual combat in which the victim bears some responsibility. 

Abuse is not a couples issue.  The abuser, if he’s willing to change, must get himself into therapy, on his own.  Couples are typically advised to separate while the abuser is in treatment.

The fact is, abusers rarely make long term changes.  

Also, OP should be aware that some abusers will escalate when the status of the relationship changes.  Going from engaged to married may make him feel that he really *has* her and can let the mask slip even further.

Post # 18
Member
1605 posts
Bumble bee

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kdavison05 :  Firstly, about his dad. Well at the end of the day I don’t think you can do much about him other than express your dislike of how he acts. He isn’t your direct parent nor are you his wife, if she is willing to put up with such behaviour then that is up to her. Don’t make it right but sadly how it stands. 

As for your fiancé. I wouldn’t ignore these warning signs, usually gut instinct means there’s something to look at. I don’t think I could put up with how he argues and fights, there’s no need for name calling and being nasty. Can you honestly say that you are ok with putting up with this for the rest of your life? Doesn’t sound like you can. And I don’t believe the BS where he says he can’t change how he’s acting. Now he’s aware of it he should be working on it, particularly if he knows how it affects you. It’s not a can’t, it’s a won’t. I would be questioning why he doesn’t feel like I’m good enough to change. 

Is there any way to postpone the wedding? Losing what has already been put in is a lot better than being wrong and regretting it. 

Post # 19
Member
2244 posts
Buzzing bee

Do not marry him. 

Your parents would rather lose some money than see their daughter enter into a marriage that was over before it started.

You can have the relationship your parents have modeled for you with another man.

Post # 20
Member
4243 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

So even if he has redeeming qualities, are you willing to put up with constant explosive fights and him saying cruel and demeaning things?  Would you be ok with any children you have to see your spouse treating you like this?  Would you be ok with your son seeing his father treating his wife like you are being treated by your fiance?  Would you be ok with your daughter seeing her father treating you like this?  Would you be ok with your daughter growing up and thinking this type of behavior is “normal”?

If you answered “no” to any of the above…that is your sign that you should not follow through with this marriage.   Money will be lost sure, but if your parents understand where you are coming from I’m guessing they will be supportive…

Post # 21
Member
245 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

If you were my kid I’d much rather have you break off a wedding and lose some money than spend even more to help you marry someone who didn’t treat you well. Money can be replaced, your time and your life can’t. 

Post # 22
Member
212 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

I think the answer to your question depends on how willing your fiance is to fix this problem. Because here’s the thing: if his fighting style bothers you, to the point where you question your upcoming marriage, then it’s a problem.

When we were just starting out, I used to say hurtful things in fights with my fiance and when he told me I was hurting him, I trained myself to stop. You fiance’s behavior is completely controllable if he actually tries. And if it’s bothering you to this level, he should be compelled to try.

At the end of the day, everyone has faults. How we try to better ourselves for each other is the evidence of a good relationship.

Post # 23
Member
275 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2017

Listen to your intuition. It’s trying to tell you something and probably has been for quite some time. Just curious, why did you get engaged after 6 months and have a 3.5 year and counting engagement? A breakup is a lot easier than a divorce. No one can really tell you what to do in this situation. But whatever problems you have before marriage aren’t going to disappear after marriage, often times they get worse over time. 

Post # 24
Member
9425 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2016

so it’s a little hard to say without examples of what these “rude” things are.. (my ex for example thought I was being very rude when I complained how he never cleaned up after himself in an argument.  Since this was the cause of most of our arguments, I felt he was incorrect in that assessment.)

That said, I’ll assume this is not the nature of his rudeness.

IF his comments are things like “you are a _(insert 4 letter word here)_” or other insults of the sort.  If he calls you worthless, ugly, or anything else that is just plain foul to say to someone you care about… then leave him.  Someone who says those things to you isn’t someone you want to be with, even if he only says it when angry.  

He either has no control over himself when angry (in the which case, I’d be terrified of what his next lashing out will consist of–people who can’t control their anger are dangerous and potentially deadly) or he genuinely thinks these things and lets it all hang loose when angry.

 

Post # 25
Member
3902 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 2017

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emmabird :  We respect each other yet there are times (a lot less now than before) when we exploded and said mean things to each other because we sometimes can’t contain the frustrations that eventually erupt in an argument and it all comes out because thinking what you are saying doesnt happend when you are exploding.  Better this way than keeping everything inside. Of course not fighting us even better if we are human and just cause we fight and say stuff doesnt mean we dont love or respect each other. 

Post # 26
Member
642 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2017

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ana2017 :  I have to disagree. I respect where you are coming from, here. My parents say mean things and name call. They love each other and have been together for over 40 years. But I doubt that anyone can respect someone truly if they are able to freely call their partner a c**t in the heat of the moment. It just isn’t healthy. My SO and I argue, we don’t yell at the top of our lungs and we have never called each other names. I don’t feeling like I am bottling up any negative thoughts towards my SO. Name calling and saying mean things is simply a mechanism used exclusively to hurt the person you are arguing with. It doesn’t resolves anything. If anything it builds a foundation of resentment because people tend to believe that, in the heat of the moment, the truth is revealed.

I suppose it may also depend on the nature of the hurtful words. Verbal abuse, in many cases, is overlooked as a legitimate form of abuse. I have been with my SO for 4 years. We have never used our words as a weapon to hurt each other. 

Post # 27
Member
1104 posts
Bumble bee

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kdavison05 :  If you have to ask the answer is no. He is not the one. Losing money and canceling a wedding sucks, I get that, but losing years of your life in a marriage, then getting divorced (possibly with kids), then trying to pick up the pieces, is much worse. 

Post # 28
Member
3902 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 2017

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emmabird :  We don’t call each other names or curse words but we do curse and yell sometimes. 

Post # 29
Member
421 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

Agree with pp that you should look at therapy!!! asap

Its quite natural to start having cold feet and questioning the relationship so close to the wedding, I do think it is fairly common……but important to be certain. 

As for your parents losing their money already invested in the wedding…..Im sure they would rather accept a loss if it means your happy, no parents would rather their child was miserable so they didnt lose a dollar….talk to them, they sound like they would be able to give you some good advice, all the very best bee and keep us posted

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