(Closed) Is he stringing me along?

posted 5 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
9954 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

Hi @katie23:  first and foremost… I see this is your Debut Post here on WBee… so a BIG Welcome to “the Hive”

Your Love Story sounds dead romantic.  And this guy sounds like he could very well be “the one”

BUT as you say, you’ve only been dating a mere 5 months, and now he’s overseas.

Personally, I agree with him 2 years until he gets back is a long time… (for a relationship going LDR) let alone planning a Wedding

There is really plenty of time for that down the road

Infact, I’d caution you NOT TO PLAN… I think the smart thing to do in this situation is to:

(a) See how the LDR part goes first.  Embrace that part of your life for now.

So, concentrate on School and getting to know your guy better from afar.

The good thing about LDRs is that if you are into correspondence (vs just talking) you can oftentimes exchange more heart-felt feelings / emotions, stuff you might not be so comfy to say “out loud” in person.  The being self-conscious part of yourself will be less guarded.

The 2 years means you can learn a lot about each other even tho you are apart, if you use the time wisely.

(b) IF you really want to marry this guy, work on being a better you.  There are advantages to being Engaged and apart… the pressure is off in the Dating Scene, so you can use the time to focus on a better you… School, Friends, Hobbies, Sports, Volunteering, Reading, Exercise, Nutrition… whatever takes your fancy

(c) When he does come home, I’d plan on staying Engaged for awhile… before making any concrete Wedding Plans.  As you’ve already said, 5 months was a short amount of time to know each other and get Engaged… it is even a shorter amount of time to be seeing someone and then marry (assuming here like you said, you won’t be visiting with each other regularly over the span of the next 2 years)

Honestly, I’d be looking at being Engaged after he gets back for at least 6 months to a year BEFORE I even started looking at Planning a Wedding (booking a Venue etc).  So getting married ultimately a year or two from when he comes home.

Sounds like a long time… for sure.  BUT if you are serious about Marriage, then you have the rest of your lives together… as it truly is a lifetime commitment.

AND honestly, you don’t want to make a mistake… marry a guy you barely or DO NOT KNOW fully.  You want to make sure that he can be all that you want & need out of life for the next 50 Years !!

I say this, because as a woman who was Divorced, I can tell you that Divorce is H#LL not something I’d wish on anyone.

Take your time, don’t make a mistake… there is NO RUSH

Because Hon, if you are rushing this along for the sake of making Wedding Plans (which I kind of hear here) and thinking just how much you want to be apart of all that hoopla, you could very well be marrying for the wrong reasons… putting too much of a priority on the LOVE of the Wedding, vs the LOVE of the Marriage.

And that will only bring you a TON OF HEARTACHE & PAIN.

Do not venture down that road… slow your roll down and savour what it is you have now… for now.

Enjoy life in THIS MOMENT, for what that is.  Move only onto the next one, when this one has truly passed.

The foundation you build today with this part of the relationship is what will have to hold you BOTH up into the future.

Hope this helps,


Post # 4
617 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

Hello ๐Ÿ™‚

Just reading your post and how you wrote it sounded more like lust than love. You even saiso that you weren’t willing to wait two years to stay in a LDR. I didn’t read anything about being in love or him being the one. And to be with someone fir 5 months and be distance for 2 years, my then get married, I think you’re missing out on all crucial time of actually getting to know each other. I could be wrong, I’m just going off the vibe of your post. But I think maybe you guys got caught of in the moment of being in a new relationship. It would be different if he proposed and he wasn’t going anywhere. But to be newly in a relationship, newly engaged and then gone for more time than actually knowing each other might be a little too soon and immature on the wedding plans. I would maybe not plan a wedding until he gets back and don’t choose a date to get married until then. 

Post # 5
617 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

Sorry for the spelling. I’m on my phone. Never realize when it changes my spelling. Grrr

Post # 6
11747 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

Youre situation is very unique and no I don’t think he is stringing you along. Just relax and take time to get to know each other Before jumping into planning.  You have plenty of time, when 2014 rolls around then I’d talk planning again.

You need to find out if lDR is going to work before you put any thing in stone wedding wise. 

Post # 8
617 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

@katie23:  that’s really good to hear. I understand, my Fiance and I got engaged less than a year too and you can say, we kinda knew instantly that we wanted to be with each other with the first 3 months of dating. Honestly, we have been together for 15 months now and he pretty much knows me by now, but I’m still learning new things about him. He’s more attentive than I am. Lol. But you guys sound like you’re doing very well. Like I said before, you should just enjoy your engagement, enjoy it when he gets back and the timing will come around to start planning. :). Wishing you the best. 

Post # 9
363 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

Uh… LDRs suck. I haven’t seen Fiance for 2 months now and I’m so beyond ready to spend a weekend curled up together. 24 more days.

Anyhow. Fiance was not even remotely interested in planning a wedding when we got engaged almost a year ago. Now he switches between having great ideas for our wedding and wanting to elope as soon as I move back (We have lived together for a while. I just ended up in a different state for an internship this summer.) I suspect in your FI’s mind everything is just too far off to deal with right now. Our engagement will be 20 months and all we’ve actually done is pick a date, a guest list, and a venue (which might still change but with only 12 guests its not too hard to manage). And like you, I just wanted to start doing things. And as soon as I got over that Fiance wanted to talk wedding stuff. It wouldn’t surprise me if this turned out to be the case for you too.

Also… a lot of the problems you hear about with LDRs… I think those people are the ones that “need” to be with their partner rather than “want” to be with them. Often times they’re the ones that have never been single for more than a week since they started dating. I was competent on my own before Fiance and I can still hold my own now. I do miss him but we are both doing what we can to build a better future for us. I think that general attitude helps a lot.

P.S. I think your story is so sweetly romantic. FI’s parents got engaged on their 10th date and got married 3 months later. 32 years later they are such a cute older couple.

Post # 10
17 posts
  • Wedding: May 2014

Hey there hun,

Welcome and congratulations!

May I ask where your fiance is living for the next while? I only ask because i’ve been in a long distance relationship myself for the last 4 years, and I know of other couples doing long distance between different cultures and countries. My point is, in some cultures, being engaged means more than in other cultures ๐Ÿ™‚

If you are doubting your marriage or engagement at all, just wait on it! He obviously does not want to lose you which is why he proposed in the first place. That in no way means that a wedding needs to happen asap– what it means is that you have made a commitment to one another that says that when you have the time and money, you will be able to celebrate your love in a more public way. See how things pan out in a couple of years when you have had more constant time together and when you can completely know and understand who he is as a person and what he wants, and what you want!

Be excited about the wedding, and relate that to him! My finace didn’t know how early things needed to be booked and he was a bit wary about getting engaged at the beginning, but he’s turned into a total groomzilla and is organizing everything now.

I wish you the best of luck and love for your marriage!

Post # 12
168 posts
Blushing bee

I think perhaps because you were together for such a short amount of time before he left, he may want to wait till the wedding is a bit closer to make concrete plans.  Long distance can be hard on even the strongest couples, and though he may love you tremendously and sees a future with you, he might want to wait just a bit to make sure your relationship can survive being long distance.  Also, maybe he’s still getting used to his new job and environment and doesn’t really have the time to consider wedding planning right now.  Also, I find guys have trouble thinking and making plans for anything that is two years out.  Or maybe that’s my experience haha.

Post # 13
3204 posts
Sugar bee

@This Time Round:  +1000

I agree with everything ^. But I would also like to stress the fact that you should wait after him getting back to see if you even want to get married to him anymore. You’ll only get to see him every 6 months, and all of your daily interaction will be over technology. You two will both grow a huge amount while he is away and if you are so stuck on wedding planning/details of the wedding and the excitement of the event, you may miss that you two have grown into incompatible people. I’m not saying what you have now doesn’t sound like it will last, but it is important to keep in mind that people in a relationship have to grow and change together for things to work, and you will only be seeing a tiny degree of who he is over that means of communication. 

But to answer your question, no, I don’t think he is stringing you along. But I do think he probably has a more realistic idea of the next two years and the impact it is going to have on your relationship. He probably wants to live in the moment and not worry about wedding planning right now because it is so far away and he wants to enjoy the experiences you both are having right now. He may be thinking “I definitely want to marry katie23 but I don’t want to commit to a date right now because I honestly can’t in good conscience pick a date when I know there is a good chance that it won’t work well in the future because things change so much” (Not that your relationship won’t work out, but maybe you’ll want to move overseas with him, or he’ll want to stay there, or he gets another opportunity to do something with work and can’t make that date work)

I think you should just enjoy your engagement and not get wrapped up in the wedding planning at all. Just enjoy learning your relationship and your Fiance more and your and his experiences. IMO once the wedding date is picked, it is SO easy to get caught up in thinking about the wedding all the time and being blinded to the things that are happening in the present. 

Post # 14
1120 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

@This Time Round:  Oh wow. I should’ve read your post first before even bothering with mine – you’re SPOT ON ๐Ÿ™‚

@katie23:  I hope you’ve read the post from This Time Round – it’s GOOD. ๐Ÿ™‚

Post # 15
196 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

I think the PPs have said what I was thinking (probably in a much better way..)

I don’t think he’s stringing you along at all, but I think he is being rightfully cautious about making concrete plans now. Focus on your relationship for now and get to the wedding plans later. I’ve heard Tallinn is beautiful so enjoy your visit! Smile

Post # 16
4947 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

I don’t think he is stringing you along.  He seems to me to be taking things at a reasonable pace – his new position, a relatively new relationship, and I think it is a very good sign that he wants you to visit and will come back to see you!!

When he returns in two years, spend some time together in person again and when it feels right to both of you, start the wedding planning then.  Right now you have a wonderful opportunity to concentrate on your studies and you have a great guy who thinks you are worth waiting for! Enjoy!

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