(Closed) Is he the One? NEED ADVICE

posted 8 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
634 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

I’m currently going through premarital counseling with my Fiance. If you want to try and salvage your relationship with your Fiance, I recommend something like that, where both your Fiance attend. It will force you both to think about things that you wouldn’t really focus on, make you talk to each other, and will help you grow as a couple. If you have already cut yourself off from the relationship emotionally, it won’t help. I do think you need to stop going outside your relationship to find happiness. This is the number one reason ppl run into problems in relationships. You shouldn’t text/fb ppl who can cause harm to your relationship. And you are doing this. Even if you aren’t cheating, you have created a place for this new guy in your mind/heart and that, even if you weren’t having doubts, can ruin a relationship.

No one can tell you what to do. We don’t know you or your Fiance. But if you end it, do it for the right reason and not because you let another guy into your life first. And let me caution you, it may be wonderful with some other guy, but the saying “the grass isn’t always greener on the other side” is usually true.

Post # 4
4272 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

Ugh…. break it off with the Fiance.

Post # 5
276 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

It sounds to me like you aren’t ready for marriage yet.. and there’s nothing wrong with that at all!

I think it’s great that you are realizing that before you tie yourself down..but with that being said this would mean you would have to do something hard and break off your engagement with your Fiance.. i know it wouldn’t be easy, but it sounds like it might be for the best.. escpecially if you aren’re sure you’re in love with your Fiance anymore..

i was in a 5 year relationship before my current SO and the same thing happened.. the first thing to happen was me not being sexually attracted to him anymore.. then more and more it got to the point where i would literally cringe when we were having sex.. (that sounds awful, i know!! but we seriously had a lot of other, serious problems way before that..)

and i loved him, but was no where near IN LOVE with him… breaking up was one of the hardest things i had ever done, but in about a month i wasn’t feeling guilty anymore and knew what i did was for the best…. for the both of us… because i wasn’t ready for the relationship to go any further and i was just wasting my time and his by staying in that relationship..

I know its tough though.. but to me it sounds like you know what you need to do… 

Post # 6
9967 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

It sounds as though you’re no longer in love and it definitely sounds as though you are not at all ready for marriage.  You need to come clean with your Fiance.  And back away from this new “friend” because he is only complicating matters for you.  If you want to begin a new relationship with another man, you first need to end the one you’re currently in.

Post # 7
4640 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

try to remove yourself from your new guy friend. at least for a while. you need to sort things out without the added confusion from the butterfles in your stomach from this new guy.

i was once engaged at 22 and it was so wrong. i’m glad we never went through with the wedding. i am so different now at 27. you don’t believe it when people tell you that, but i only speak from experience. if there are any doubts at all. i mean ANY doubts, then don’t go through with it.

Post # 8
4697 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

The other guy is just a reaction to your doubts. He is probably not as perfect and wonderful as you think. (remember all the potentially good guys you went out with before your FI) Their must have been something pretty special about your Fiance, for you to pick him. Do you really want to let him go, and discover later on that he is best you’ll ever find?

I think everyone who gets married younger go through this. (me included) We are all subconciously told to expiriece life, party,  travel, study, kiss lots of boys etc… So when we pick an alternate path we feel like we have missed out on ‘something’. Life is about choices….would you prefer to be with you Fiance or be young and free??

I also think us modern ladies are led to believe that the ‘lust stage’ in a relationship should continue through our marriage. Sometimes real love feels more like friendship love or the kind of love you feel for family.

(it turns into the..’I love you…but man somedays you really give me the [email protected]#TS!!!” kind of loveTongue Out

I’m sure if you ask older long time and happily married ladies, they would tell you that the lust stage doesn’t last.

I think what you are expiriencing in the bedroom is very normal. (seriously would sky diving give you the same thrill if you did thousands of times over 50 years?)

I’m sorry you are feeling the way you do. Hope I could give you a different perspective to think over…..I’ve been in your shoes!!!

Good luck in making the right choice for you.



Post # 9
569 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

It’s normal to have crushes.

It’s normal to stop having butterflies when a relationship isn’t new any more.

See this crush as a sign that you need to work on your own relationship. Can you do that? If you can’t or don’t want to, that tells you what you need to know. But don’t skip the bit where you consider it.

Post # 10
429 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2013

I think if you honestly can say that you have no spark left for your Fiance then you’re dead in the water! If its not there its not there and going through with a wedding at this point is asking for trouble especially when you have feelings for someone else. I can honestly say that EVERY time my Fiance and I kiss I still get butterflies in my stomach even if its a little peck. Just looking over at him when we lay on the couch together I get all these crazy feelings in my stomach and get a huge smile on my face. You need to figure out things before the wedding, never go in with any doubts, it sounds like more than cold feet to me when you are looking at other men, good luck, i cant imagine what you are going through!

Post # 11
3667 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

One of my best guy friends was in a similar situation recently. He was engaged to “Maria,” then all of a sudden met and started having feelings for this other girl, “Amy.” He ended things with Maria and started dating Amy. That ended fairly quickly, because it turns out that he never really wanted Amy, he just wanted to feel that new-relationship butterflies feeling that had faded between him and Maria. Luckily, they talked things out (although he never told her about Amy), she took him back and now they’re getting married next year.

So think about, do you really like this other guy, or do you just miss what he represents – those early-relationship, new-crush butterflies? Because those will fade over time no matter who you’re with, but with the right person they will grow into a deeper, more meaningful connection.

Post # 12
203 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

I would definitely say that if nothing else, you do owe it to your Fiance to postpone or break off the engagement. Right now, even if there is nothing physical, this other relationship is pulling you away from him. He deserves to know this and know where you are before both of you end up in a marriage where you can’t change or back away from it. It sounds like  you’re not ready for marriage, and as others have said that’s okay. You also owe it to yourself to make the right decision and that decision might be that you’re not ready for marriage just yet. With or without this guy.

As far as your relationship goes, if you want to work on it, work on it. But take things back a step, start communicating about how you’re feeling, and find out why it is you are looking for support outside of your relationship. Find out why those butterflies are gone. Is is just, as others have pointed out, that the relationship is not new. Is it because it feels comfortable? Is it because as much as you love him, you just can’t see spending the rest of your life together? Is it fear?

And most importantly, your relationship with Fiance is not going to work regardless if you don’t cut off your relationship with this other person. You need to focus on the two of you if you do want things to work out.You need to make sure that he is the one you are going to do to tell about your day,  your feelings, your fears, your insecurities, your successes. If you don’t have that or if you are looking for that outside of your relationship, it’s eventually going to effect it. That doesn’t mean you can’t share this with anyone else. But if you are shutting your Fiance out in order to share these things with someone else, particularly this other guy, that’s going to eventually really hurt your relationship.

Good luck, and remember to trust your gut. Right now, it seems to be telling you that you need time.  Right now it seems to be telling you that you need to look at your life, your relationship, and your independence. Do all of those things and decide what is best for you. But through this process, don’t keep your Fiance in the dark. Talk to him and let him be a part of this. Remember it’s a decision both of you need to make. But you need to both be in the same place before you’re ready for marriage. And you need to be committed to it 100%. So until you’re at that point, it’s best to step back a bit to get some perspective.

Post # 13
367 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

View original reply
@lilsweetie:  actually thats not always true. I dont know anyone who hasnt had doubts before they got married. they always get cold feet and think “am i doing the right thing? what if its a mistake?” they usually get over it, but the doubts are always there before the wedding. Even with someone as sure of my path as i am, i still think about that.

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