(Closed) Is he the right partner?

posted 11 years ago in Emotional
Post # 17
Member
296 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2010

I don’t think anyone is going to whisk us away, and I doubt you really believe in that either since you worked so hard to become a doctor.   I don’t think there is anything wrong though with wanting someone that is your equal.  Not so much having the same salary but someone who values the same things you do.  Shared values are essential in a marriage.   It seems that you value education, working hard, ambition, and financial security while your Fiance may be more of a happy go lucky type.  I don’t think you would be concerned about compatibilty if let’s say your Fiance was a research scientist that just didn’t make much money.  I think not being compatible in values is a potential deal breaker.  How would you raise your kids?  Would your Fiance think it’s ok if your kid got C’s while you wished she would strive for more?    It doesn’t sound like you two are on the same page about how you view life.  I think this deeply concerns you and you are already looking to see if you made the right decision.  Perhaps, you can go to a counselor alone or to a trusted friend to sort out your feelings before you make a mistake.   If you want a child, there is nothing stopping you- you don’t need a man to raise a child.

Post # 18
Member
1 posts
Wannabee

It sounds to me that you’re looking for perfection. That’s nowhere to be found. I agree with the others that you shouldn’t marry him if you can’t accept him for what he is and what is ultimately important to him.

I found the following book really helpful: Kiss and Run: The Single, Picky, and Indecisive Girl’s Guide to Overcoming Fear of Commitment by Elina Furman.
It sounds as if – aside from some valid concerns – you may have some issues with commitment. I’ve been there – and this book definitely opened my eyes to the many problems that I brought to relationships. Good luck!

Post # 19
Member
2695 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2008

PPs – I think we can be a bit more sensitive and less judgemental to a fellow bee who is clearly really struggling and probably has no where else where she can be so honest…

@dancingbee – I dated a similar guy.  Great, sweet, completely in love with me, but not ambitious at all – totally content to take his unemployment as long as possible after he was laid off etc.  I think the issue is less about the money and more about respect.  I didn’t respect my BF the way he deserved to be respected and I suspect you feel the same way about your Fiance.  It is not fair to either of you to embark on a lifelong partnership when that respect just isn’t there.  Maybe you can work through it and get there, but I knew I couldn’t.  at the same time, I understand you have just one life to lead and you see your chances of having a baby slipping away – I am in my early thirties and have seen many friends struggle with the same thing.  While you never know, most of those people wasted too much time with the wrong guy – but very quickly found the right one as soon as they were honest with themselves and ended the “good enough” relationship.

 

Post # 20
Member
116 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: March 2010

I am not in my 30’s but please listen to my post because I think that it will make some sense.  Although I am 26, I have a 7 year old son and have been a RN for several years… killing myself daily between work and my son.  Then I met my fiance online.  He was not financially secure but was loving and affectionate, sweet, caring, doting, he took my breath away.  He was not particularly ambitious or motivated, so at one point, I actually left him after 2 years and after some time started dating this other man.  This man was financially secure, a parent himself, owned his own home, was in excellent physical shape and we had fun together but yet he was interested in having more children in the near future. But he was not at all doting or passionate about me… in fact, I often felt like he could take me or leave me just as easily…and every day I found myself missing those things about my ex that I loved.  And this was about a year after we broke up.  So I realized I was SETTLING for someone who I liked but was not passionately in love with.  After breaking it off I became involved with my ex again and we are getting married in October… He is more financially stable right now but I will most likely always make more money as I have education and experience on my side and he is occasionally still lazy which drives me crazy but he is definately more motivated.

I guess my point is this.  There are two things to address here.

 

1) If you NEED something in your life, then you need it… For you it is all the things you named, for me… it was the guy who was doting and passionate and loving like I am

2) If you have purused others… you already answered your own question.  When someone else is on your mind.. particularly ANYONE but your fiance.. your fiance is not the one.

Post # 21
Member
137 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: December 2009

I read your post and for a couple of minutes I thought you were a very good friend of mine (in CA no less) that recently got married.  Same situation, almost to a “T.”  She got married in May and our friendship was severed in March due to the situation. I nicely voiced my concerns about what she was doing. She pretty much said she wanted a baby and right now.  He quit his job 4 months before the wedding and had no plans to look till after they got married.  She bought her OWN engagement ring because he had no savings.

Please, think seriously about this.  Do you have passion for this man?  Do have that feeling of you “just know?”  If not think reconsider or at least stall for a while.  Something is amiss and you guys really need to talk about things.  You have every right to see his finances and find out where his money has gone.

I don’t claim Fiance and I are equal but we both have things that kinda even out the other.  He has no savings while I have a lot.  He has credit card but I do not. I do however have a student loan and a MBA.  He has no student loans and no degree but makes more money than I do base.  His credit is perfect, mine is shot due to a bad investment.  There are pros and cons for both of us.  I know exactly how he got into debt and how he’s paying it off.  We have goals together of saving and budgets together.  It’s all about “us” and not just him and me separately.

I’m sorry you’re struggling with this. I met Fiance online too!

Post # 22
Member
298 posts
Helper bee

I met my Fiance on eharmony too but I’m 26 now and I kind of know what you are going through, I’m way more ambitious and money concerned than my guy but nudging helps.  Some people might call me bossy but when he was miserable at his job, I saw it as my chance to sort of pushed him to work on his resume and send it out to his friends (what harm will it do wa my arguement).  I knew he should be making more in the kind of work he does, and lo and behold job offer with way more money in like 2 weeks.  Slowly but sure I’m getting him to be more responsible with his money.  I sort of think we can work though anything and I think before he just didn’t have enough information.  I was lucky that wasn’t in any debt and had an okay savings.  ^_^

I agree with some other bees, if you’re looking for someone even if it’s just for “fun”, there are some deeper issues here.  I think you guys should talk about it and you should be honest with him about everything.

I hope it works out for you!  I think everyone gets cold feet once in a while.

Also I don’t think “good enough” is a bad thing because I think as a socity as a whole we have too high of expectations for our spouses which is why the divorce rate is so high, no one is perfect.  My Fiance isn’t perfect and no one really is.  ^_^

Post # 23
Member
542 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

First of all, I am sorry that you are feeling this way.  I guess I would first say that the characteristics of the person you end up with aren’t always what you might have always imagined, love is crazy like that.  Personally, I would take someone who is completely happy, but maybe not have the same amount of education as I do, in their job than someone who is highly educated and staying in a job they hate.  I don’t want to come across as harsh, but if you had to choose, would you pick the kind, emotionally generous, totally in love with you guy who isn’t as educated as you or the one who is brilliant and financially secure who may not have those other characteristics?  If it’s the later, then maybe you need to think about not going ahead with the wedding.

You didn’t mention his age or if you’d discussed why there is no savings, but perhaps there is a reason?  I will be the first to admit that I am well educated and compensated but spent quite a few of my single years having fun, seeing the world and not necessarily saving my money.  It happens, but that doesn’t mean he can’t change and start saving (talking from experience here). 

Being in the dating pool is not fun, but you could find yourself back there in a few years if you don’t address your feelings now. 

Post # 24
Member
1401 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

I honestly don’t understand why so many of the repliers on this thread are so strongly against your fiance.  Just because he has less to bring to the table, does not mean he’s destined to ruin your financial situation for life.  Here’s my story:

I have never had anything handed to me for free.  I was the first in my family to earn a 4-year degree, I paid for it almost entirely myself, and I’m now paying off student loans.  Throughout college, I had no life, devoted myself to studies, graduated with honors, got a presigious internship, and am now a full time IT analyst at a company’s global headquarters.  In my 20’s I’m already making a comparable salary to both my parents combined.  I worked very very hard to get where I’m at and be financially secure in my future, and I’m not about to throw that away.

My fiance grew up in a metal shack in Mexico, his father was rarley home, and his mother worked odd jobs to pay for the children’s school supplies.  He came to the US ten years ago and has lived pretty much on the bottom of the social totem pole ever since; working in factories and restaurants, no health insurance, sharing a house with 6 other men to get by… and he considers that better than the life he came from in Mexico.  For him, a college education is not even something he dares to aspire to, so he contents himself with his hourly wages.  What really amazes me is that he never complains about it.

Everyone imagines their life will someday be a little better than it is now.  The American Dream is conceived early and never dies in our hearts.  The challenge I face is redefining my Dream.  It once was a good-looker for a husband, a house in the suburbs, two brand new cars in the driveway, overseas vacations every summer, and all the other material things by which we define the Good Life.  Now my Dream is to sleep easy each night knowing that no matter what lies ahead, I will not be alone because I have found someone who cherishes and values me more than anything else in his life, and whose sincerity I will not doubt when he says “till death do us part.”

I’m paying for the vast majority of our wedding too.  And my student loans.  And the down payment on our house (when the time comes).  And our retirement.  And roughly 75% of everything that we will ever have to pay for as a couple in the years to come.  Becoming a stay-at-home mother will never be an option for me, regardless of whether I want to.  It took me a long time and a lot of self reflection to be able to say I’m okay with all that.  It also took me a long time to be able to say “our” wedding, “our” house, and “our” retirement, even though I’ll be the one paying for most of it.

Besides, I’m a slight control freak, so it makes me rather happy that I’ll be in control of the finances and big decisions in our household.

Hopefully that helps your soul searching.  Think long and hard about what is most important to you in life, and where you can find it.  Remember that everyone gets cold feet.  And whatever you decide to do, just dive in and don’t look back.  You shouldn’t be engaged unless you’re confident that you want to marry that man.

Post # 25
Member
204 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2010

@ jenbrandner

I don’t think they are against her Fiance, per se, but against her marrying him just because he is “good (enough)” and because “I need to start having kids before the ovaries putter out.”

He sounds like a donor to me. He probably deserves more, and she obviously wants something different. Like someone already said, it sounds like she already knows the answer.

Post # 26
Member
1401 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

Yeah makes sense.  But dancingbee has a point that you can’t keep searching forever for the perfect man, because we aren’t young forever.  And if you always find fault with the one you have, then you will never be happy.

That said, it’s very important that two people have the same goals and direction if they are to spend their lives together.

Post # 27
Member
354 posts
Helper bee

I think to some extent we all have an image of the ideal man that we thought we’d marry and obviously, no man is perfect, and some level of compromise is necessary.  But it sounds like there are some pretty significant differences in goals/expectations and more importantly, a lack of communication around those differences.  Not sure whether you are in Northern or Southern California, but I would really encourage the two of you to attend

http://www.marriageprep101.com

We found it to be a great, practical forum to examine some of the expectations we were bringing to the table, learn some new communication tools and ensure our vision of marriage was on the same page. 

I’m 34 and a former attorney so I hear you that the pressure of the biological clock is very real for my friends and I but at the same time, spending the rest of your life with someone is a huge huge deal and not one to rush into. 

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