(Closed) Is he trying to break my heart?!!!

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 1
Member
449 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

SO FH and I are having a lovely dinner. I bing up how I found out the rates for personal loans at one of the local banks and we figured what payments would be.. (We may need to take out a loan to pay for the wedding as a last resort). Mind yyou, I am that girl who has dreamed of her wedding since I was 3 years old and played bride dress up at 5. 

We have been trying to figure out HOW to save for the wedding AND a place to live (he refuses to rent so we need to save for a  down payment on a house) Please don’t tell me I’m stupid for wanting to have a wedding when we should put that $ towardsa house. 

So PMSing n all out in public at dinner he goes “You know, one option is to NOT have a wedding.” .. WHAT!!!??? We’ve been together EIGHT years and ALL I ever talk about is the dress, the ceremoney, the reception, who will be there what we will eat, what we will drink, our signature drink, etc. This is my LIFE’S dream! So, I’m now crying in front of strangers uncontrollably and tryinnnnng to catch my breath cause it was like  a punch in the stomach. So he says he doesnt understand why everything is a big deal and why I have to cry over it. I just can’t believe he doesn’t understand my reaction to that! SO I was pretty much devestated and wouldn’t talk to him. Now we are talking about just not having such a bi wedding.. but I don’t need a big one in the first place. I just want the people I love to be there and dance, eat and drink with us and I AM willing to set aside funds for that memory I will cherish forever. I’m so upset. I am NOT someone who can just go to city hall and be done with it. I want the whole celebration and I feel I deserve it! 

 

Sorry for the rant or if anyone has the wrong idea of me but I’m just so upset now :*(

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Post # 3
Member
7293 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2011

So you have been talking to him about this dream wedding for 8 years and he hasn’t even budged? Give me more of a time line on your engagment and your relationship- your  name says 2013 for you wedding date- is that accurate or just for fun?

. You may go through lots of tears and fighting have this fantasy wedding but how is life gonna be when its over?

Post # 4
Member
1314 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

First and foremost ***HUGS***

Secondly, what about a compromise? Surely he knows how important this is to you, and I know he’s understanding enough to go with small and elegant, but still an amazing celebration of your love. Why don’t you show him what a savvy budgetista you are, and do a breakdown of the cost of a small wedding? Find a wedding dress in unconvential places. There was a bride on here that bought a beautiful white dress from Nordstrom Rack for 30 dollars. Or get a used gown!…Look for venues that cost little or nothing, like your local park. DIY many projects!!! I’m sure you can come up with a way for you both to be happy. Good luck dollface!

Post # 5
Member
6826 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

First and foremost you need to take a step back.  If you are constantly talking about your “dream wedding” your FH maybe feeling overwhelmed at the prospect of paying for that and as you said to purchase a home. I would take a breather and take a week off from any wedding/home talk and try to remember why you love each other and go from there

Post # 6
Member
686 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

While I think that it’s great you have a very clear idea of what you want in a “dream wedding”, how much thought have you given to your dream marriage? It seems like your FH is just thinking about what’s going to be the most secure future for you as a married couple, rather than blowing money he doesn’t have on a day that really shouldn’t define you to this extent.

Maybe sit down and talk out why each of your goals is important to you. See if you can meet in the middle and maybe have a smaller wedding and your first home- that way everybody’s happy.

Good luck!

Post # 7
Member
4327 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 1992

@Eva Peron: She’s probably really young. I’d say 23ish.

Post # 8
Member
449 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

Oh I forgot to mention that in knowing how hard it will be for us to save for it.. he’s planning on losing 100 lbs to fit into a CUSTOM Armani tux AND wants a 1kt wedding band …BUUUUT I’m not supposed to get mixed messages… we go to bridal shows, have been talking about what we want and don’t want for years and moreso sine he proposed in Feb. Oct 2013 was origionally a “hopefully we can afford by then” but now it has meaning to me. I told him he needs to stop confusing me. You can’t talk about the tux u plan on getting and look at all this over the top stuff and then drop this “option” like its no big deal! We will be happy together regardless but I know I would NEVER get over not having a wedding.. that’s just me. I never had any huge celebration but everyone around me always did n he knows this. Definitly a BAD option.

Post # 9
Member
449 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

Jules nope bit older but thanks.. I think lol. You guys all have good ponts. We’ve had every conversation in all these years.. THIS one is a new one though. We are pretty much going to do MOSTLY DIY and budgeting and small in terms of people. I think he sees it as a lost cause since almost every place tells us a min. of 150-200 ppl are required and we will have about 75. SO it gets frustrating but we can figure it out. I ust want something..ANYTHING that we can share with our loved ones, have a first dance, cut the cake and do all of the traditional stuff that I always imagined. I know we will have a marriage worthy of a wonderful celebration and that after all we have been through together we deserve it. I’mm also not 100% on board with buying a house because I don’t think we CAN and that’s what HE wants so the compromise.. yeah.. that’s what life is now. 

Taking a step back for a a few is def. a good idea. I get so excited though its hard to keep my mouth shit about wedding stuff 🙂

Post # 10
Member
4327 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 1992

Have you thought maybe about doing it at a vineyard? My fiancee’s cousin had her reception at a vineyard / winery out on Long Island, and it was lovely. She had about as many guests as you are aiming to have. If you don’t mind having ceremony & reception in the same place.

Post # 11
Member
4327 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 1992

Learn to stretch dollars, also. No need to go over-the-top on ALL areas. Just pick a few that are important to you and spend there, but scale back on things that aren’t as important to you. Roll up your sleeves and get involved in DIY projects. It’s time consuming, but you have until 2012 to budget your time on them.

Post # 12
Member
4887 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

This isn’t meant to be snarky, but are you just looking to get married for the wedding, or do you actually want to be married?

Post # 13
Member
5388 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: December 2010

@StarIzInkd: Maybe you should look around some more that will have places to fit into your budget. How about a destination wedding? Maybe get married at a nearby beach, or have a smaller wedding. Talk to him about you could possibly afford, and I am sure all of the ladies on Weddingbee can help you create your dream wedding within your budget. 🙂

Post # 14
Member
449 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

Kristen I want the whole package. I’m the one who believes in the whole Prince Charming fairy tale blah blah blah… I also believe in MARRIAGE. You marry me, it’s for life n that’s that.I don’t believe in the D word. I mean we have been together 8 years through AWESOME times and through horrible sad times and stuck it through while we have friends who have been married n split in HALF the time we are dating! I think thats worthy of celebrating ya know. I just want that whole package, the wedding, the marriage, the kid/s, the getting old with each other and having grandkids deal. 🙂 A girl can dream right?

 

Jules that sounds LOVELY! However, I don’t think that’s in our budget so much. I’m becoming ok with downgrading to a small hall rather than my real dream. I plan on DIYing centerpieces, invites, gifts, favors and whatever else we can think of so really at this point it’s HIM thatw ouldn’t budge on things that would save money like a Friday nite instead of Saturday and his tux and ring and then to suggest NO Wedding was just SUCh a bomb. It’s like let’s just do what we CAN! We don’t need to go overboard for it to fit MY dreams. My dreams are just family , close friends and the 2 of us.

Post # 15
Member
1636 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

@KristenGotMarried:  this was my thought exactly…  so I am glad someone else said it. I doubt purposely this man who has spent all this time with you would purposely break your heart, he may just be thinking more of the marriage rather than the wedding…

:/  its not that we don’t sympathize or empathize with you, its that well, for me… let me explain…

I got married when I was 18, divorced by the time i was 19… (had a lavish wedding blah blah blah) 

then met the man of my dreams at 22… married when i was 23, and we are still married, 18 years later.  We had a small wedding, in a park, i bought a dress that costed all of I think like 30 bucks at the time (it was a prom dress), we were gonna have it catered by Subway and get a keg, but luckily and thankfully his mother got us a better caterer.  Our cake came from a grocery store and the whole thing was I think less than 1200 dollars…  and we are now planning our Tacky Fabulous Las Vegas Vow Renwal for our 20th anniversary that STILL wont cost over 2k. 

Now, what do you care more about?  The wedding or the marriage?  You could always do an intimate ceremony, immediate family and friends…  send out “yay we’re marrieds”…  then maybe when you get into a house, have the lavish reception you are looking for. 

There are lots of budgetista brides out there (me included)…  get creative.  Does anyone on either side of your family have a big house perhaps you could use?   Maybe you could wear your mothers/grandmothers wedding gown?

Is an Armani suit THAT important?  is that kind of wedding band REALLY important?  And is THAT kind of wedding SO Important that it would ruin your whole married life if you had 1 day that didn’t go “as planned” or “as fairytale” as you envisioned?

I agree with the PP.  Calm down, do some research and maybe you can have the best of both worlds;)  Good Luck! let us know what happens.

Believe me, I am sorry if i sound bitchy or rude, or snarky…  I certainly do not mean to be, but in this life, rarely does anything go as planned… 

Post # 16
Member
851 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

In all honesty yes it is an option, he doesnt desrve to be hung from his ankles for mentioning it, obviously its not an option you are interested in but bawling in public is not an appropriate response. Also, as a home owner, owning a home is awesome – with this suggestion he had your best interests at heart. Calm down lady 🙂

 

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