(Closed) Incredibly responsible or just plain lazy?

posted 6 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
3886 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

“I’m just afraid his need to be incredibly logical with money will wear on my patience and emotions too much.”

I’d take the whole “saving up to buy a house” thing out of the equation first, and look more deeply at your money management style when compared to your boyfriend’s.  It’s absolutely essential that you two are on the same page when it comes to how you manage money; while I don’t have any hard statistics, i do know that it’s extremely common for couples to fight bitterly over money, and that money (and fights over money) is at the root of a lot of divorces.

So it doesn’t matter if you buy a house or not, or are saving for a house or not; if you’re not compatible financially, then it will be constant work to keep a relationship alive.

It’s not easy or comfortable sometimes to talk about money but if you’re going to one day be a household, you have to get used to it. Pick a specific time and plan ahead to go somewhere where you can talk without interruptions, which may mean your house, or a Starbucks or whatever, as there may be challenges focusing if his parents are hovering around. See if you can work out some idea of how the money would work when you became one household— how are you going to keep your finances? one big account, or a separate account for each plus a joint account? What’s everyone’s current income and debt?  What do you need to put away each month to get a down-payment for a house? How much “play” money does that leave each month?  

You might not sort this all out on the first try but you do need to get through it eventually; otherwise, there’s kind of no point in saving up for a house if you end up hating each other over money in the long run. 

Post # 4
365 posts
Helper bee

@OneOfTheseDaysAlice:  my SO is pretty much the same. He’s a total slacker. We are both 24 and he’s academically a sophomore in college, amd when he and I moved out together, his family were saying it was a waste of money to be renting. Long story short, we did end up buying a house together, but SO’s parents helped with the down payment big time. 

His mom is always calling to see if he’s eaten and she completely babies him… 

Idk if your SO’s family is wealthy, but if they are talking about getting him to buy his own house, hopefully they are nice enough to help? That is a hard purchase to make when you’re under 25 and don’t have along credut history.

Post # 5
22 posts

I say enjoy living on your own while you can.

 My SO and I have been together for 7 years, and have lived separately the entire time (we are 24 and 25). I lived with my parents for one year after graduating from college, and have lived with a roommate for 2 years. I am finally getting my own place in a month, since my roommate got engaged last weekend (cringe – touchy subject). Most of my friends are married, and they are all super jealous that I didn’t jump into marriage after graduating college and have had time to live on my own and find the things I like to do.

Granted, I would love to be engaged to my SO and live together, but then I’d have to clean up after a man (he is a total slob because he has lived like a bachelor his whole life… grew up without a mom and two brothers, one little sister) and that doesn’t sound so appealing.

I say have faith in your man! Afterall, he is moving back in with them so he can afford a house for the TWO of you! When I lived with my parents for a year, I was able to save up a TON of cash and buy a new car, furniture, clothes, etc. etc. I could have invested in a house, but I didn’t feel like I could take on the responsibility of all the upkeep on my own so I am still waiting for my SO in that respect.

I think it’s great that his parents are letting him move in to save money for your future – many parents I know wouldn’t allow it. He will probably stay with you a good bit of the time anyway.

Post # 6
661 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

My Fiance thinks more like you on the renting/buying thing whereas I think more like your SO’s parents.

I lived with my parents until I was 27 because I wanted to buy a home. But after awhile I felt like I wasn’t an adult and felt my growth was being stunted. So I moved out and rented an apartment for 5 years, then bought an apartment.

When I moved out, my dad was upset about it. He didn’t want me to go and I felt guilty too. But we both got over it.

I don’t think “logical with money” is the issue here. I think the issue is perhaps too much of an attachment to his parents. Or maybe he has loans that he needs to pay back and he can’t afford it?

Post # 8
5428 posts
Bee Keeper

@OneOfTheseDaysAlice:  He’s currently living with his parents, but is going to move in with me in two weeks and stay with me until he graduates. When he does graduate, he plans to get a full time job and move back in with his parents in order to save up money 

Why bother moving in with you at all? Leave him at his parents… That is what he really wants. I wouldn’t marry him or get engaged until he “grows up”.

Post # 9
205 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

I personally don’t think he’s being a slacker. Depending on where you live, now is the best time to purchae home. If he can get a job immediately and start saving up, the larger the downpayment the lower the interest rate you guys would be burdened with. I dont’ think his parents are babying him, I think it’s actually very financially smart. I agree with his mom, to me renting to be seems waste since what you’re paying for rent will most likely be greater than the mortgage you would have had to pay on a place you own. 

I think if he’s fortunate enough to have parents that will allow him to stay with them whiel he saves money for your future, why not? 

Post # 10
3587 posts
Sugar bee

What’s the point of moving in with you, then moving back in wth his parents? Why not give him the $35k for a downpayment on a house if they want him to own a house rather than rent?

Post # 11
3886 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

@OneOfTheseDaysAlice:  Because a sports car is a toy and a gift, and a house is a grown-up thing.  It’d be different if it was his own money he wanted to spend on the sports car and he always came back to “we can’t live together till we buy a house.”  It’s probably the last “big” present his parents will be able to buy him without them or him feeling like they’re supporting him.  It’s kind of like how, even though I feel really uncomfortable taking anything from my mom (I’m established in my career and haven’t needed help from her in many many years), I’d be more willing to accept a gift of an $8000 luxury vacation than $8000 cash to fix my roof.

Hard to really describe the difference because in the end, it’s still a big pile of money going from parent to kid, but it’s much more comfortable on the giver and the recipient when it’s truly a luxury than when it’s something in the “basic needs” category.

Post # 12
4070 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2018

@MsMamaBear:  This.

I too think rent is dead money. But we live in the real world and I don’t have the money for a downpayment just lying around.

If SO wants to live with you then he should. And if his parents feel so strongly about rent being dead money then it sounds like they do have the money to help out.  As you say though, it’s their money, and they can do what they like. But I don’t think you SO should feel like he has to live with them just because that’s what’s been drummed into him.

Post # 13
133 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

Have a little faith!  My now-fiance graduated from an amazing unversity magna cum laude, but in the middle of a recession.  He moved home, where he lived for 2 years, just working and paying down his loans while he figured out the next step.  Then he landed a scholarship to business school and now has a fabulous job!  It just took a little time and self-reflection.

If your significant other seems lazy and unmotivated in other ways, maybe that’s a red flag.  But if it’s just the moving home, it can be a really smart choice.

But honestly, if y’all have been dating only 8 months this is probably a little soon to be thinking of buying a house together!  I’d just wait and see, as long as he has a job, drive, and prospects, the living situation will work itself out.

Fiance and I do live together and have for the last year, I do think it is a good idea before getting married!

Post # 14
4070 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2018

Incidentally, I don’t think the two of you should be buying a house together. You’ve not been together all that long (but thats beside the point). I suggest either you rent together OR (if his parents feel strongly like I suspect) he gets a mortgage with his parents as guarantors and you pay towards running costs (not the mortgage).

But who am I to give financial advice… sorry…

Post # 15
3720 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

I am confused– why is it okay to throw away money for rent when he is in college, but not when he has a job? Personally, there is no way I would agree with this plan. When Fiance and I move in together, it is forever. If he moves to his parents house, I come too. So make sure you are on the same page.

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