(Closed) Is how a man treats his mother ALWAYS a sign?

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
275 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

I think *maybe* in some cases, the old saying is true.

But I dated a guy, that I actually got engaged too (no longer together), and he treated his mother horribly. But he treated me very well, other being slightly controlling (like texting me every hour on the hour while I was at a friends house, when Id be home the next day) but never, ever mean.

Then the guy I dated before that, when we would fight, he was terrible to mean. Absolutely terrible. Meaner than…i don’t know what, and he was the exact same way to his mother.

Post # 4
Member
1361 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Since when does “old school” mean verbally abusive?  My father is and both my grandfathers were “old school” but that meant being chivalrous and gentlemanly, not verbally abusive.  I think something needs an overhaul if both you and your husband think that traditionally, men are verbally abustive to their wives.

I think the fact that your husband won’t admit he is snappy and rude to people is a bigger red flag than the fact that he’s like that in the first place.  I think we all know how annoying our own mothers can be and how sometimes you just lose it and aren’t nice.  But the fact that he thinks there is nothing wrong and is unwilling to seek help is problematic. 

 

Post # 7
Member
967 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

your Mother-In-Law sounds like my mother!

I totally get your husband’s being snippy….imagine growing up with that, and STILL dealing with it as an adult….I can honestly say it’s severely difficult…..

Maybe your husband needs to decrease his interactions with his mother…..or if there is interaction decrease the amount of time it is…..

That’s what I do with my mother…..I can only handle her in short increments….or I get snippy and rude to her as well…..

 

That being said: I also think my mother has border line personality disorder….have you ever asked your husband how his mother treated him during his childhood (my mother was verbally, emotionally and financially abusive)…..he might have resentment from that and it comes out when he doesn’t know it is…

I would suggest pushing at least some counseling

Post # 8
Member
10287 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2011

I agree with the statement. My ex was a dick to his mom and in turn, treated me like shit. He had absolutely no respect for me which destroyed our relationship. I dodged one hell of a bullet with that one!

As for Darling Husband, my Mother-In-Law can be as annoying as the next chick but he’s ALWAYS kind to her. There have been times where he’s gotten snippy because she’s done or said something ridiculous but he’s never outwardly disrespected her in his adult life. As much as my Mother-In-Law can piss me off at times, I don’t think I would be cool with him being a blatent asshole to her. I guess it’s different though, since your Mother-In-Law has issues that are hard for your husband to deal with but at the end of the day, she’s still his mother and he should treat her with respect. 

Post # 9
Member
233 posts
Helper bee

In my experience, yes.  Men almost always treat their wife, partner, girlfriend, etc exactly how they treat their mother.  If they are rude, impatient, and snappy with their mom, chances are he wll be rude, impatient, and snappy with you, too.  I think it just goes to what they have been taught to believe is acceptable behavior (and now goes to who they are as a person). 

If a guy has an ex-wife, I always look at how he treats her, too.  My Fiance has an ex wife, and even though she’s a raging bitch to him, he still treats her with dignity and respect around their children and backs her up when she needs it (with the kids).  I respect him for that because I know even under the worst circumstances that my Fiance will back me up and treat me with respect.  

Post # 10
Member
2783 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

I’d say 50/50…it’s one thing to be disrespectful to his mother, but not everyone has a great relationship with their mother, and it’s not fair to hold that against a guy who is otherwise respectful and kind to people.

For example, my Fiance and his mom have a very complicated relationship that involves a lot of things I won’t get in to, but suffice it say I can’t very well hold their relatiomnship against him: it goes through peaks and valleys. On the other hand, he treats my mother and myself like gold.

He’s not nasty to his mom-but he goes through persiods where her issues are too much for him and he can’t handle them. I think it would be really unfair if I held that against him.

 

Post # 11
Member
11233 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013

I dated a guy who was emotionally abusive to me, but would do anything for his mom (he did tend to take advantage of her, though, especially when it came to her offering to buy stuff, even though he had more than enough money of his own). He was, however, just like his dad–very stingy, emotionally abusive, had no desire to do anything for me, expected me to do everything for him, etc.

If we have a son (we currently have a daughter) will he encourage him to treat me with the same lack of respect?

It’s not that he’s going to outright encourage that behavior, but your son might just assume that that’s how he’s supposed to treat others and learn by example. Then again, he might not. My ex’s brother was totally the opposite, personality-wise.

Post # 12
Member
2105 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

A more true statement: how a son is treated by his mother is how a son expects other women to treat him. 

My FI’s mother is awful and loves playing the blame game. I had to learn pretty quickly to fess up if I made a mistake, things like that. His mom also nags from dawn til dusk if you let her, so I learned to ask for something once and make sure he writes it in his phone. 

OP- your DH’s mom in some way trained his behavior with her actions. If he can’t bite his tongue, he needs to cut down on his involvement with her. Being that angry, holding on to Thr resentment… it’s not healthy. 

I would discuss therapy again. If he says there isn’t a problem, tell him there is- you’re unhappy and you’re worried about your marriage. If those two reasons aren’t good enough for help, none will be. 

Post # 13
Member
9139 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL

It depends.  I was married to a guy that hated his mother.  Any time he equated my behavior with his mother he hated me by extention.  It didn’t work out very well and we finally got divorced.

My current FH loves his mother and regularly calls her a saint.  Thankfully she and I get along wonderfully or I know he would always pick her over me.

If he’s treating you well and apologizes to you when he’s inapproriate to you I wouldn’t worry about it too much.

Post # 14
Member
2874 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

if the mother was abusive or did horrible things – then i could understand that a son may not treat her well in the future but it wouldnt necessarily affect how he is with his wife. BUT since this doesnt seem to be the case i would take it as a warning sign

i think its because she doesnt stand up to him though. as you said, you will call him on it whereas she doesnt – so its almost  like he has no reason to stop (obviously he should want to)

id be horrified if my fi spoke to his mum in a cringeworthy way and it sounds like its really worrying you. ach. i dont know, maybe if he starts on his mum next time you could just point out how harsh he sounds. does he realise how harsh he sounds, or he tihnks hes just being mildly grumpy?

Post # 15
Member
3697 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

My husband can get into it with his mother, but she starts it most of the time.  He’s good about just listening to her rant on and on and on about what he should be doing with his life and money and everything else. 

I think a lot of it is their interactions with each other.  She yells at him so he yells back.  So, yeah, when I yell at him he yells back.  But I’m not much of a yeller.  I’ve had to remind him a few times that I’m not his mother and I’m not telling him what to do, I’m asking him to work with me to figure out what we should do.

So, I guess to answer your question, yes and no.  If you act like his mother he’ll treat you like his mother.  But if you show him that you aren’t his mother and what kind of interactions are ok with you, he won’t.

Post # 16
Member
1659 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

I think that t extends beyond mother to parents – how does he treat his parents, siblings, family? If he treats them poorly or doesn’t have a relationship with these people, then it’s likely that you can expect him to have the same problems with his wife.

I dated a guy for 18 months who was so rude and disgusting to his parents and his sister. After the honeymoon period wore off, he started to treat me the same way…being intentionally late for things, calling me names, making inappropriate comments about the way I looked or dressed, questioning my motives, expecting me to do things for him. I was so happy to finally break up with him – then I found out he was cheating on me, too!

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