Post # 17
@Tatum: I think it depends on the intent. If he was rude to his mother for no reason, that would be a sign. But you said that he does stuff for her, she can just be a handful. Not all families function perfectly.
I don’t think there’s necessarily a correlation that he’ll treat you badly because he doesn’t always see eye to eye with his mother.
How he treats you now is a better indication of how things will be in the future.
Post # 18
Fiance has an awful relationship with his mother, a lot of similarities to your experience – and there have definitely been cringe worthy moments where it’s like, “How can you say/do that? She’s your mother!”
I don’t have a resolution for you, but what worked for us was just staying on top of the problem. If he’s being disrespectful to his mom, I’ll pull him aside and let him know he’s making me uncomfortable. He’s usually pretty good about easing off the behaviour. He’s never treated me in any way similar to the way he treats her, and he treats the rest of my family like gold, so for us, it’s really just a matter of dealing with his relationship with her.
I think, also, for us what worked was having a positive family vibe. A lot of the problems he has with his mom stem from when he was a child, so by interacting with my family and by building a family with me where we actually care about things mutually and have open communication has helped dramatically. But that’s probably specific to why he treats his mom the way he does.
Post # 19
I think you need to sit down and have a real heart to heart talk with your guy, about your concerns with the way he treats his mother. I can only tell you my experience. My first husband-whom I married at 20, was very disrespectful towards his mother. I remember once when we were engaged, he got into an argument with her in front of me and called her a bitch to her face. I remember being shocked to the core about this, because I would never have ever said anything like that to one of my parents, even if i thought it. I felt bad about it, but knew his mother was rather difficult, and excused it, to myself because of that. Well, over the next year i heard him say worse to his mom, calling her stupid and cheap and other horrible things. Still-he never said anything like that to me, so i let it go. We got married, and about a month in, we got into a fight over some money he spent, which we had ear-marked for bills, and he told me I was being a whiney bitch about it. The way he said it was exactly the way he talked to his mother. It was at that moment I realized what kind of person he really way, and that I had made a really horrible mistake. I was married though, and tried to make the best of it, and stuck it out for three more years, but it only got worse. He became more disrespectful. more verbally abusive and eventually i realized there was no changing him. We ended up divorcing.
Fast forward several years and I meet my current husband. We’d been dating about a year when i finally met his mother, and got to see him interract with her. Now his mom is a very oppinionated lady, and loves to argue, or debate. And over the next few days I saw her get into heated discussions with Doug, but not once, did he ever show her less than complete respect, even in their more ardent disagreements. He fought fair, and listened to her, and didn’t dismiss her feelings on a topic, even if his were opposing. It was really an “a-ha” experience for me, and made me realize more than ever that Doug was really the man for me. He and I have had a few arguments since we got married, but not once has he made me feel belittled or bad about myself, the way my ex-husband did on a regular basis.
If you are seeing things you don’t like, don’t brush it under the rug. You need to deal with it now.
Post # 20
I don’t think it’s necessarily that simple.
But – generally you become that from which you came. Unless you are diverted from that path for some reason. When your family roots are dysfunctional, it’s VERY hard to change that pattern unless you have developed some awareness and coping skills along the way. And, even then, it’s TOUGH to change.
But that where the phrase “the cycle of abuse” comes from. We are what we know. We do what we see.
Post # 21
Just to get into a little more detail- there were two instances where he really stepped out of line, and both times were after we were married and the second time was after we’d had our baby.
The time after we’d had our baby, his mom was supposed to come down on a Friday night so we could go out and have a date. She was supposed to be there around 5 and by 6 hadn’t shown up. Around 6 she calls and says she is lost. Husband got really frustrated because she’s been coming to this house for 20 some years (been in the family a long time) and knows this area and she kept getting confused while he was on the phone with her trying to explain to her where to go. He got frustrated and snapped and told her just to go home if this was going to be so difficult. He didn’t call her any names but he peppered that conversation with various profanity and was yelling by the time he hung up. Had that been me I would have turned around and gone home and not spoken to him until I got an apology. She just came over and watched the baby and husband and I left in silence because I was furious with him and he was mad that I was mad at him. We only went out because it would have been even more awkward staying in. We cut the evening pretty short and she left as soon as we got back.
In general though, just the way he talks to her you can just hear the contempt in his voice, like she’s a total idiot. Even when he’s not snapping, that tone is there. He has said he thinks his mom is not that smart. The thing is though, he’s not exactly wrong there. But he doesn’t have to make it so obvious he thinks so.
As far as how she treated him growing up I wasn’t there, but I have never heard any indication that she was abusive to him. I am sure she wasn’t perfect- she was really young, she had 4 kids, and the youngest had some serious health problems that took a lot of her time (although my husband would have been a teenager by then).
I don’t know, if he won’t go to counseling I am just not sure what the future holds. I don’t want to go through this having more kids.
Post # 22
I think it has no bearing. I knew a man who was very doting on his mom, but treated his wife with nothing but disrepect. They eventually divorced.
Post # 23
I think its absolutely true that the way a man treats is mother corelates to they way he will treat all women in his life. For most of their lives, their mother is the most important woman in their life – if he doesn’t treat her with respect, I don’t see him treating any women with respect.
Post # 24
I think it’s actually much more a sign how one treats those they view as lower then them. i.e waiters, homeless people, almost anyone which is providing them as a consumer a service or product. While I think if he treats his mother badly that always can be a bad sign, but how many people out there truly love their family unconditionally? So many families have problems and it sounds like there are many underlying issues between him and his mother.
Post # 25
Your date is the other one me and Fiance were considering.
Post # 26
My DH has a rather testy relationship with his mother. But she is the only person I have ever seen him speak that way to or about. He treats me like a queen, has a great relationship with my family, and he gets along really great with his father. His mother though….she has issues. And he has issues with her that go back to her basically abandoning the family for a year and cheating on his dad. I was trying really hard to improve his relationship with her and things were really improving–then after we got engaged she tried to pull a few things that were just crazy, and DH informed her (in not the nicest terms) that I was by far a more important person in his life than she is, that he would always choose me over her, and if she ever disrepected me then the result would be her being cut out of our lives.
Post # 27
Maybe you could ask your husband to work on the way he talks to her for the sake of your future children. Tell him you don’t want that example for them. You would like your children to treat you well and be respectful of you. Maybe the two of you could have a conversation about what you envision for your family and that would be a way to bring it up. Men in our lives can change with the right approach.
Post # 28
Not having read pp’s responses and due to my experience, I’d say yes. DH handles all women in his life with ‘kid gloves’- me, my mother, his sister and his mother. On the other hand, my brother is very respectful towards women & has very little patience for my mother. BUT my mother is crazy & requires much more attention than most mothers I know. I don’t hold it against him because we’ve put up with alot. I guess it really all depends.
Post # 29
I think for the most part it’s true.
However, I judge a man by how he treats everyone, not only limited to his immediate family. I don’t want to be with someone who is irritable and snappy and uses a rude tone of voice – to anyone. Even to a person at the drive-thru window, a waiter/waitress, a cashier, or any type of service person. I don’t think it takes that much effort to be patient, kind and polite to people. Tone of voice is very important to me and, to me, is a sign of a person’s inner character.
If someone snaps at me they turn invisible as far as I’m concerned.
Post # 30
I think his opinion of his mom not being very smart and treating her as such has more to do with how his parents interacted while he was growing up. If he doesn’t see taking a condisending approach to his mother is a bad thing, then it very well may be a warning sign. Some people have a hard time ever admitting they are in the wrong, you may need to find away for him to see what his is doing is wrong. That being said, as long as he treats all other women in his life properly then I think you shouldn’t worry.
Post # 31
One thing my SO does with his mom that drives me absolutely insane is that she’ll be standing right in front of him talking to him and asking him questions, and he’ll just completely tune her out. Like flat out ignore her. He just keeps playing with his dog, and she’ll say his name 8 or 9 times, until I finally have to poke him and say “Answer your mother!” She can be quite annoying, so I get what you’re saying. I’m sure if she was my mom too, I would eventually tune her out, but he better not do that to me.
She can be quite possessive and she’s been having a lot of seperation anxiety since he just moved out of his house and in with me a few weeks ago. She keeps trying to get him to come over and he just agrees because he doesn’t want to upset her. I called him on it one time, and he said “She has a heart condition and I don’t want to stress her out. I just agree in person to keep her calm and then if I change my mind, I’ll call her and cancel. She’s less stressed that way.”
If she does have a heart condition, I can understand this, but it also sounds like he’s just being a big chicken. Also, I really want to be like “So you don’t want to aggrevate her heart condition, and yet she practically turns purple saying your name over and over again, and you flat out ignore her when she’s right in front of you? How is that good for her heart condition?”