(Closed) Is how a man treats his mother ALWAYS a sign?

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 32
Member
2977 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

I think if a man is going to treat the women in his immediate family like crap, chances are good that he’s going to treat his wife like crap too. I’ve been with men who’ve treated their moms like shit and once the honeymoon phase wore off, their true colors shown thru. Of course, a million other factors weigh in here, so it’s hard to make such a generalization. But based on my personal experience, I find this to be true. If the guy’s a dick to people close to him, why is his wife going to be any exception?

 

Post # 33
Member
412 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

View original reply
@MrsBroccoli:  I agree 100%.  My Fiance and his Mom have a terrible relationship, and he’s pretty rude to her, but she’s absolutely terrible to him, and we had to work through A LOT of stuff at the beginning of our relationship because he thought the way his mom treated him was the way that I would also treat him in our relationship.  He’s absolutely curtious and sweet to me and the other women in his life.  OP, you just have to figure out if it’s an issue between them or if you think it’s going to extend to you too- how was his childhood with her?  Were there issues even then?  

Post # 34
Member
380 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

My Fiance treats his mother like dirt, & he has every right to. (VERY long story) But, he treats me like a queen & has been nothing but nice & respectful to me & my family since we became friends over 10 years ago.

Post # 35
Member
11736 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

No one can say for certain this is true in every circumstance. I’m sure there are times that it isn’t.  But, in general from my experiences I see this to be pretty true.  

Post # 36
Member
1718 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

 @Tatum:  My Fiance is very rude to his mother.  He tries really hard to keep it under control but sometimes, it slips.  I was taken aback at first but I learned that their history is very dark and tumultuous.  However, Fiance is very polite and sweet to everyone else in his life.  He adores his step mom and I.  The way my Fiance treats my niece and little cousins shows that what how he treats his mother will not affect how he treats our kids. 

Post # 37
Member
649 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

I think the saying has some merit, but every case has to be analyzed separately.  I think it is important that you talk to your husband and ask him why he treats his mother this was?  He could have some deep rooted resentments toward her. 

My fiance does not have a great relationship with his mother.  He doesn’t talk meanly to her, but that is because he rarely talks to her.  At first this bothered me, until I found out she was severly abusive during his childhood, and now that he is grown, he just doesn’t have much respect for her. 

If something like this is the case, he still needs to control his anger.  You should explain to him that his behavior towards his mom makes you uncomfortable and afraid that this will eventually happen to you, and that if he really loves you, he will do whatever he can to make you feel comfortable and safe.  

If he refuses to change or seek help, I would simply refuse to ever be around the two of them together again.  You can always explain that he may be okay with a toxic relationship with his mother, but it is something you refuse to deal with anymore.

I wish you much luck with this, and am sorry you are in this situation. 

Post # 38
Member
340 posts
Helper bee

I don’t believe that is the case always. You aren’t like his mother so he isn’t going to treat you like his mother. My SO mother is dingy, not good with money, always doing something stupid or needing help and I am the complete opposite in every way. He gets snippy with her, but not really ever with me. His mom also treated him terribly when he was younger and I treat him amazing.

Post # 39
Member
2393 posts
Buzzing bee

@Tatum:  

I just read in another thread that if a man is disprespectful to his mother, that is how he will eventually treat his wife. Is this always true?

 

From my own personal experience, no, it is not always true.

My DH has a very stormy relationship with his mother — long story. When we first started dating, before I knew the whole history between them, I was a little taken aback when I saw the way he spoke to her sometimes. I wondered if I was playing with fire by dating someone who sometimes spoke disrespectfully to his mother, even if he was nice to me.

But we’ve been together for two and a half years now — married and living together for the past seven months — and he has treated me like a queen the entire time. He bends over backwards to take care of me, help me, listen to me, make my life better… I could go on and on. I am treated with such respect in this relationship, and he is such a gentleman in the way he behaves around me.

His mother and I are very different. In the past she has been very insensitive, hurtful, physically abusive and emotionally absent toward him. We are complete, polar opposites.

Post # 40
Member
804 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2013

I don’t think this is always true. Someone else said you should watch out for how a man treats everyone around him to get the real story.

 

It seems like you have a good idea about why your husband is disrespectful to his mom but do you also think there may have been some childhood abuse he hasn’t  told you about? Many people who were abused as kids keep it secret. I also know that many of those abused struggle between their hurt and what they think they are “expected” to do. His mom may have done something heinous to him as a child but because she is his mother he feels obligated to still be her “son”. If so I could understand why he keeps a relationship yet lashes out at her easily.

 

In general you should just speak to him frankly about all this and see what he says. Don’t be confrontational.

Post # 41
Member
36 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: November 2011

In my experience yes it’s true. 

My Ex has a short fuse and would get nasty with his mother and father/ his father is horribly verbally abusive to his mother so this is what he saw his whole life. 

He, on multiple occasions, was verbally abusive to me. I’ve been in the room when he’s flipped out on his wife now. 

My DH now, however, is amazing to his mother and father. Always telling his mother he loves her before they get off the phone. Very respectful. He is exactly that way with me as well. 

 

Post # 42
Member
2008 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

View original reply
@MrsBroccoli: “A more true statement: how a son is treated by his mother is how a son expects other women to treat him. “

So agree.

I think it depends on the relationship. 

 

Post # 43
Member
2398 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

I am not sure if that statement is true but I could never be with someone who treats their mother bad. I think its rude and disrespectful. Now if they had a bad mom who mistreated with verbal or physical abuse, then I might think a bit differently but I dont think that two wrongs make a right. 

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