(Closed) Is it a big deal… or not?

posted 7 years ago in Married Life
Post # 3
7293 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2011

Well Im a huge fan of talking about everything, even if its uncomfortable.

I think your husband may not have been ready to take on a new relationship since he keeps withholding.

Either you need to be able to let go and know that what he is withholding is just details of marriages he doesn’t want to get back into, or he has a very big lying problem in general that goes much farther than marriages.

Inviting a third party in is always good too!

Post # 4
7311 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2011 - Bed & Breakfast

Have you two ever considered couples (and maybe individual) counseling? And postponing TTC for a while? The consistent pattern of lies, concealments, and half-truths would be a huge problem for me. Marriage, at least for me, is based on trust and respect. Lies and half-truths destroy that trust and respect. I would be hesitant to TTC when things are already shaky. Having a new person in the relationship (a baby) will only increase the stress level and the need to trust andrely upon eachother. If your foundation is shaky, now is the time to repair it before you TTC.

Post # 5
2512 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

Please do not start TTC right now.

You guys have some serious comunication issues. Your Fiance is “withholding info” from you (sounds like lying to me since you outright asked him questions). If he can “withhold” stuff from his past, what makes you think that he won’t withhold info from you in the future?

I understand that being a second wife can be difficult but he is not making it any easier by not being clear with you about his past. And on top of that, he is being way too friendly with his ex/coworker.

Like other posters have said, you guys need to work this out with the help of an outsider. And if he can not see that what he is doing is wrong, maybe spending the rest of your life with him is a bad choice. 

Post # 6
403 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

I’m sorry you’re going through all of this.  The problem that I see is that he IS lying.  You specifically asked him questions and he gave you untrue answers, that is lying.  It’s not like the topics never came up, so he just never mentioned it.  I think that these kind of major trust issues should be addressed in counceling.  That way there is a third party there to let him know that what he’s saying is wrong, and to let you know when you might be over reacting to something (which I don’t think you are in these cases).  I would be very very hurt if i were in your shoes and would insist on counceling before you have a child. 

Post # 7
1269 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

You are going to drive yourself crazy with all the history.  Has he done anything with YOU to cause distrust? If not then say to yourself.  If he hadnt been there he wouldnt be with me now. Keep saying it.

Post # 8
3220 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2012

I would not be okay with all of his “withholding” of information.  Since he seems so averse to the word “lying”– tell him you’re upset and uncomfortable by all of this information that keeps being slowly revealed over the course of your relationship.  

(In my opinion, it is lying.  He is leading you to believe false information and I second the suggestion to get counseling so he can hear it from an outside person and learn strategies to be more honest with you.)

Post # 9
43 posts
  • Wedding: November 2011

Oh my. This is really not good. I’m sorry but it’s not. 

I wouldn’t TTC anytime soon. 

He can say he was just “withholding” all he wants but he isn’t being truthful. No matter how you look at it he’s not being trust worthy. 

If it were me personally, I’d seek counseling as a couple and if he wasn’t willing, I’d have to look at the foundation of the marriage and if it’s really what I though it was. 


Post # 10
1052 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2011

I agree with the above posters, I would be SUPER uncomfortable going any farther with this man knowing that he’s blatantly lying about such important things. He can call it whatever he wants but it’s still lying. I would NOT TTC any time soon and have a serious discussion with him about his lies. He needs to lay everything on the table for you to be able to move on and trust him and you guys may need outside help to reestablish trust in your relationship.

Post # 11
5496 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2010

This is definitely a big deal. He told you he didn’t try to have a baby with his wife, now you found out he did for a year.  He told you he didn’t date anybody after her, but he really did and she is a co-worker. He has kept many things from you and you also say that you only mentioned about half. This is not ok at all. Way too many red flags. I’m sorry. 🙁

Post # 12
1798 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

I think it’s a big deal that your husband has a major problem with telling the truth. He’s lied to you about a lot of things for no good reason. To make matters worse, he doesn’t seem to think there’s anything wrong with lying to his wife! Definately postpone TTC and start counseling. I could never stay married to someone who refused to be honest with me. 

Post # 13
2759 posts
Sugar bee

If he tells you something untrue, then he’s lying to you. Plain and simple. He might think it’s not lying, but it is and it sounds to me like he’s trying to shift blame to you by using the “withholding” excuse (ex: you’re wrong for being upset because it’s not a big deal to him). Please, please get some counseling together before TTC! This is definitely a very big deal – it’d be one thing if he had withheld one thing for fear of upsetting you, but these are multiple, huge facts about his life that he has withheld from you and that is a HUGE red flag in my book.

Post # 14
1723 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

I hvnt read the whole post but as soon as I read the part where  u found out about ” Heather” i was like Helll nahhh.. Yess it is a deal and I would talk to him for sure about it. There was no reason for him to lie about seeing her before you guys started going out.. so I dont see why he had to hide her for that matter.. it kind of makes me wonder if theres any other heathers involved also before.. I know you are marreid and he wouldnt do anything of the sort while ur married but its the lieing part that was uncalled for.. I would ask him and talk to him about.. and have him be very open about his past with you- whether its pleasing to your ears or not.

Post # 15
80 posts
Worker bee

You need to tell him that while he thinks “witholding” isn’t lying YOU THINK IT IS.  And that if he is going to lie to you then you can’t be married to him.

Put your foot down, otherwise you’re going to get walked all over dear, and you know it. xx

Post # 16
6661 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2010

Honestly, I am not someone who believes in talking about past relationships. The intimate details of his marriage are pretty much irrelevant to the present and IMO can only hurt you. Think about how you felt when you found out he had been trying and he had dated someone after his wife. Neither of those are bad things, but just hearing about them makes you upset. So it’s totally understandable why he wouldn’t want to talk about it with you. Yes, lying about it was bad, but I think it’s understandable why he did.

I think the main thing that needs to be dealt with is his present relationship with this Heather. She clearly still has feelings for him and he is feeding into it by consoling her. That behavior needs to stop, he has to respect your marriage and cut things off with her, even if it’s platonic.

Meanwhile, I suggest you be more sensitive about digging into his past. As long as he’s treating you right and you trust him, then his past doesn’t matter.

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