(Closed) Is it appropriate to ask your partner why they want to marry you?

posted 4 years ago in Relationships
Post # 31
Member
1888 posts
Buzzing bee

I guess I don’t really know why you’d need to ask more than once, beyond needing reassurance at a frequency that seems unhealthy to me. He answered the question the first time, right?

Post # 32
Member
5891 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

Read Love Languages, specifically Words of Affirmation. 

Post # 33
Member
29 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: May 2017

 

imthatbee:  “Actually, there isn’t very much conversation in general unless he’s talking, or I’m babbling with our 9month old daughter. I tell him all the time, I get more out of a conversation with our daughter that says four words, then I do him.”

From your update, I feel like this is a lot bigger problem than just about him not telling you why he wants to marry you. 

 

 

Post # 34
Member
1690 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2016

I ask! And I’m not insecure nor do I ask because I don’t know my worth. I want to know his heart. I want to know why he loves me as much as he does. I’m curious because he sees me differently than I do myself and definitely different than anybody else. It’s usually when we are being lovey dovey and I give him my big eyes with the sparkle that only he sees and he will tell me.

Yes if you’re doing it out of insecurity, or out of fear it will definitely not be welcomed and he will know. But I love telling him why I love him. He’s not very open with his words so instead of hoping one day he will, I just ask him! 

I much rather ask him what he loves about me than if a stupid dress makes me look fat! 

Post # 35
Member
783 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2015

Wait has he EVER answered? I think that makes a huge difference in what exactly is going on here

Post # 36
Member
9564 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2016

honestly, while I don’t constantly ask Fiance this it was one of our questions when we did a long pre-marital question thing (which was actually really great–it made us talk about a lot of things we’d just assumed we knew the answer to, like how many kids, whether our parents will move in with us when they get old, etc..)  Anyway, one of the first questions was why do you want to marry your partner.  I felt it was really good to talk about that, not only to trust build and make sure the other person knew why they were valued, but it also gave insight in to what we valued in a partner.

That said, while I think that sort of question has a time and place, honestly, that sort of question when you’re just dating would be super annoying and speaks to some pretty deep insecurities that aren’t his job to fix.  Maybe seek therapy?  I really enjoyed therapy and it helped a lot with my insecurities.

Post # 37
Member
35 posts
Newbee

It is aggravating when my fiance asks these types of questions allll the time honestly. I just feel like my actions should speak volumes on how I feel about him. I’m not an extremely lovey dovey person though. 

Post # 39
Member
314 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

If it’s enough for him to say “not this again” it’s too many times.

 

I’ve asked- but it’s usually because I want him to say something funny to me…. and it usally goes like that

“why are you marrying me” 

<to touch your butt every night>

“awesome-  cause I like you touching my butt”

 

and that’s that. 

 

If you’re feeling over looked- reach out and say something- YOU initiate- don’t ask questions- just reach over and grab his ass and say mmmhmmm you so sexy- I love that I’m marrying you.

 

Don’t wait for him.   that’s a two way street. 

Post # 40
Member
940 posts
Busy bee

I don’t see what’s wrong with asking these kind of questions. When me and my husband travel we talk about all sorts of things. Reasons we won’t cheat, reasons we have sex (besides the obvious reasons). I’m spending my life with this guy, I want to know what makes him tick on a deeper level.

Post # 41
Member
1326 posts
Bumble bee

Ask him to write you a letter. 

Then you’re not putting him on the spot and he has time and privacy to collect his thoughts without so much pressure. Tell him you won’t accept a proposal until you’ve read said letter. 

Post # 42
Member
516 posts
Busy bee

Interesting how polarized this topic is!

OP, I don’t think it’s inappropriate to have discussions with your SO about your feelings for each other and why you love/want to be with each other. That can be a very romantic, reinforcing exercise… IF done at the right time and in a comfortable setting for both partners.

I do agree with other posters that if your man is saying “this again?” that might be a signal that you’re doing it too often or at the wrong time or in the wrong way… To get the kinds of answers you want.

It’s totally true that some people, especially men, can’t match words to their feelings easily, and don’t understand why they should if their actions are consistent with how they feel. Maybe your SO is in that camp.

May I suggest something? There’s a book that I have bought for many couples I know called “All About Us.” It’s like a guided journal with lots of questions for both partners to fill out. Some are lighthearted, some more serious, but you don’t have to complete it cover-to-cover. That might be a gradual way to get your SO to open up to touchy-feely conversation?

It’s under $10 on Amazon, but I’ve seen it in bookstores too. The writer is Phillip Keel. Try it!

  • This reply was modified 3 years, 11 months ago by  LALaw. Reason: typo

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