Is it bad for me to be picky about the location of my proposal?

posted 1 year ago in Proposals
Post # 16
Member
3421 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2017 - City, State

Your proposal will be special no matter what state it’s in. If you’re this particular about your proposal, you’re going to be a nightmare to deal with when you’re planning the wedding. Please keep in mind the proposal is about BOTH of you. It’s not just about what YOU want. There is another person’s ideas and dreams and opinions that goes into a proposal.

Let him plan this. If you want out a certain way, you propose.

Post # 17
Member
1074 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2019

I think that the only way to guarantee that the proposal is exactly how you want it is to at least semi-coordinate it with your SO. It may seem a little less special to do this, but in the end you either have it be a complete surprise and maybe not quite how you pictured it, or it isn’t a complete surprise and you get the proposal exactly how you want. It just depends on what you prioritize.

So basically you say to your SO – Having a formal proposal in another town or city is important to me. Can we coordinate a weekend away so that we have the opportunity to make that happen? (Or if you can’t do a weekend away, maybe you can travel a couple hours away and have a nice day date)

If the idea of having that much input on the proposal makes you uncomfortable, then you know you prioritize him surprising you with a proposal he planned entirely. Relax and let it happen, and trust that he knows what you want and will do his best to make you happy.

As for if you’re being high maintenance – Since you asked, I think you are, but I’m not saying this in a judgmental way. Some people are more high maintenance about certain things and that’s okay. What matters is how you handle it if things don’t go exactly your way. In the end what matters is you are getting married, and if you remember that and still make sure to be happy even if your proposal isn’t picture perfect, then you are fine.

Post # 18
Member
385 posts
Helper bee

I didn’t even have to read down to the part where you said you were in your last year of college to know you were young. Yes, you’re being too high maintenance and it makes me wonder- are you really ready to be married or do you just want the fairy tale wedding? 

Post # 19
Member
577 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2018

Yes, that’s ridiculous. This is dangerous thinking, it sets a precedent for never being satisfied. What’s next? Someone’s wedding is in a more glamorous location than yours? Their house is bigger than yours? They had a daughter and you got a son?

Comparing yourself to others does nothing but hurt you and those you love.

To quote an old saying, “You get what you get and you don’t throw a fit.”

Post # 20
Member
36 posts
Newbee

I could be off-base but to me it sounds like you’ve fallen prey to the idea of the Instagram proposal. Not all proposals have to be over the top and featured on @ohsoperfectproposal to be beautiful and meaningful. 

Post # 21
Member
1209 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

I feel like you’re focusing far more on the physical, surface-level aspects of the proposal rather than what it actually means. Your boyfriend must be feeling a lot of pressure right now to figure out a proposal that won’t ultimately end up disappointing you. 

Personally, I think it cheapens a proposal a bit when it’s planned out to this level by not one, but both parties to it. What’s even the point then, since you both know what’s coming? It becomes more of a theatre production than an actual real moment. 

Post # 22
Member
4031 posts
Honey bee

Before we know it,  there’s a post here, “I ruined my proposal” (for trying too hard to micro-manage everything). I see it happen regularly. 

Post # 23
Member
1431 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2021 - Kauai, HI

If it’s important to to have a destination proposal and he’s already talking about it, tell him you’re willing to wait for it until you guys are on a trip together.  Or give this one up to him and have a destination wedding.  The wedding is far more memorable than the proposal.  It’s not high maintenance to have an opinion about your dream proposal.  Suggest it and then sit back and take in the experience as he planned it.  You love him after all.  

Post # 24
Member
305 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2017

I agree with PPs – you are being too picky. Trust him to plan something special! My Dh did it in a pretty random way and place, but so sweet and so him, I wouldn’t have chosen it, but now wouldnMt change my story for anything in the world. Don’t let instagram culture trick you into thinking everything has to look perfect and be out there to be special. Just trust him to do it his way and that it will be a special refelction of him and you and your relationship. Also, yep, you’ll have more sway with the wedding so let him have this!

Post # 25
Member
2509 posts
Sugar bee

I am SO glad I didn’t grow up with social media informing my view of the world during my formative years. I can’t imagine how tough it must be to NOT get caught up in this new world of performative life where everyone is comparing constantly and the benchmark is getting raised higher and higher. 

Your best bet is to rebel against this mindset entirely. Do everything in your life as low-key as possible. Don’t share on social media, or do so as minimally as possible. Imagine if your SO got down on one knee in the kitchen one night – would you still be as excited to accept and to marry him? Would you be giddy and share the story proudly? Or would you sulk and feel “less than?” If you wouldn’t be happy with a kitchen proposal, then it’s time to examine your motivations for wanting to get engaged, and also to refocus on what’s actually important here – the bond between you and your SO, not what other people think of that bond. 

On the other hand, if none of this actually has to do with sharing and comparing on social media, and you REALLY just actually are zeroing in on your vision of the “ideal” proposal, there’s no harm in sharing that with your SO. In your shoes, I would just mention that I would love it if he planned a romantic long weekend across state lines.

I had zero input into my proposal – Fi asked me for input multiple times. But I had had a lot of say in my ring, and I wanted the proposal to be all his. If you aren’t going to have a say in your ring, why not collaborate a bit on the actual proposal? Every relationship is different – if your SO doesn’t mind some help with the planning, I don’t think it’s high maintenance to share your vision.

I do think you’re in trouble, though, if the “vision” you have becomes more important to you than the reality of the situation, and your SO’s feelings.

Post # 26
Member
1841 posts
Buzzing bee

Super duper high maintenance 

Post # 27
Member
6502 posts
Bee Keeper

High maintenance? Yes. It sounds as if the only hope your poor Boyfriend or Best Friend has of getting things “right” for you is for you to take over and just plan the whole thing yourself. 

Post # 28
Member
1917 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

In your update you say that you don’t expect your boyfriend to fly you across states for a proposal, yet you also say in your OP that you’ll feel overshadowed by your boyfriend’s brother’s proposal, as it is taking place in a foreign country.

You’re focusing on all of the wrong aspects for a proposal and engagement.

Yes, you’re being high maintenance. You need to reevaluate what’s important.

Post # 29
Member
6320 posts
Bee Keeper

I feel like you’re in orbit well above high maintenance. 

Post # 30
Member
1493 posts
Bumble bee

slomotion :  LMAO. Exactly it could include toilet paper. 

Bee, why would you want to be so involved anyway? All your doing is putting pressure on him and eradicating the element of surprise. Don’t do that! You will regret it!

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