Is it common for men to get cold feet before proposing?

posted 3 years ago in Waiting
Post # 2
Member
8033 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

I get being nervous, but breaking up right before? That isn’t normal…

Post # 3
Member
3579 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

I think it’s normal to get a little bit nervous before making any really important decision. But “taking a break”? No, clearly it’s not normal to do this before getting engaged. The fact that he has essentially broken up with you makes me think that if he does turn around and propose, it would be a terrible idea for you to say yes. Your relationship is not in a healthy enough place for that.

This sounds like the end of this relationship, Bee.  You’re sitting here passively while he determines everything: when you stop talking to each other, when you start talking again, when you get engaged… Does that sound like a fair partnership to you? Does that sound like what you imagined going through before getting engaged?

I genuinely think you should break up with him. This isn’t healthy and you deserve better. But I guess I am curious what he said about the break, and how your relationship has been from your perspective.

Post # 4
Hostess
2882 posts
Sugar bee

Umm…no, I’d find it pretty concerning that the thought of a proposal scares him so badly after 5 years that he “needs a break” to figure it out. If you’re not sure after 5 years, it shouldn’t be a break it should be a break up.

Post # 5
Member
2706 posts
Sugar bee

Breaking up right before is not common. That said – my parents actually broke up because my mom wanted to get married and he didn’t. My mom said she was leaving and made plans to travel the world, and then he proposed a week before she was meant to leave. He was kind of a jackass back then though. I would have chucked the ring at him.

Even if he did change his mind I don’t know if I could every really trust my heart with someone that had so much doubt about our relationship that they needed a ‘break’ from me. 

Post # 6
Member
2429 posts
Buzzing bee

Even the words are offensive to me. To me a “break” means a period of respite and refreshment, and definitely not how you’d want to use your time when you loved and cherished someone.

DH and I had a screeching fight 4 weeks before we got married, but neither of us could bear being apart from one another. 

Now, decades later, I can’t remember a thing about why we fought.

Post # 7
Member
366 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2019

I am of the same opinion with PPs.

However… I had a friend who really did this. He purposely fought with his girlfriend for 2 weeks, not talking, not texting for a whole 2 weeks. But it was actually an elaborate plan to throw her off completely and propose to her by appearing to a dinner he quietly planned with her sister. The sister took her out for a dinner in a nice restaurant to basically try to calm her down and then after dinner, he appeared and proposed.

Honestly, this is one risky plan in my perspective and it doesn’t happen all the time. I’m not trying to get your hopes up or anything but I do believe you should try to talk to him, afterall, you’ve been together for 5 years. 

Post # 8
Member
1087 posts
Bumble bee

A break is never a good sign.

Post # 9
Member
10546 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

Personally, no. Anytime I had to go on a “break” the relationship was unhealthy and we would be off/on before finally ending it.

My husband was excited to propose. He literally did it the same day he bought the ring. 

ETA: This is the dickhole that told you he’s never gotten a “lightning bolt” feeling about you so he isn’t sure if he wants to marry you. WHY are you letting someone treat you like shit? You’ve made at least two other posts where we’ve all told you that you need to kick him to the curb but you’re still pining over someone who doesn’t treat you well. 

He’s not going to wake up in the morning and suddenly feel something he’s never felt for you and this isn’t cold feet no matter how much you are in denial. Not to be harsh but you need a wake up and to start respecting yourself. 

Post # 10
Member
3829 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2017

Not normal… getting butterflies/nervous about the actual proposal is one thing, taking a break to decide whether he even wants to marry you is quite another!

Post # 11
Hostess
4394 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: December 2016

I’ve never heard of this. All the men close to me, including my DH were really excited and more than ready to propose. I would be pissed at your SO for doing this and definitely rethinking my relationship. This certainly insn’t fostering any kind of closeness between the 2 of you. I would also be taking this time during his “break” to figure out exactly what I wanted from the future, especially a future that didn’t include him. 

Post # 12
Member
2706 posts
Sugar bee

View original reply
annann91 :  That is SO mean. If my husband had intentionally ignored me, stressed me out, and fought with me for two weeks just so I’d be ‘extra surprised’ I would be completely furious. He would have had to kiss my ass for two weeks before I’d accept that proposal. 

Post # 14
Member
7892 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

Your situation doesn’t bode well

Post # 15
Member
2652 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

No. My DH likes to spend time with me. That’s what he did before the engagement and afterward. 

Post # 16
Member
366 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2019

View original reply
wolfeyes :  Exactly! I only knew about it after the fact. So I was very surprised lol. I was even more surpised her gf even said yes! LOL. I would have tortured him if it was me LOL. 

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