Is it considered waiting if you're not ready? How long until you were ready?

posted 9 months ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
2512 posts
Sugar bee

No, it’s considered “dating.” 

How long you stay in the dating phase is very personal and really depends on the couple. My husband and I dated for a year before we got engaged, but we were in our late 20s and entered the relationship with the understanding that we were both looking for something serious. We were also both at places in our lives where we were stable and had already grown up a lot on our own. In your case it sounds like your’e not there yet, which is totally fine. Enjoy being together and revisit the conversation when you feel ready down the line. I think it’s smart to wait and do work on yourself before committing to another person.

Post # 3
Member
1155 posts
Bumble bee

I think your head is in a good place to start considering these kinds of things, but for right now, the conversations concerning marriage should be set aside. If you’re young and have the time to spend enjoying each other and dating, then do so. 

Simply put, just because marriage is the logical next step doesn’t mean you have to do it quickly or without due consideration. 

I would have a conversation with your boyfriend about wanting to wait to revisit the topic of marriage until 2020. If “a few years” is your loose timeline, beginning to talk about engagement and your vision going forward at the beginning of next year would be right on target. That way, there’s no pressure, but there are also no loose ends. 

Post # 4
Member
163 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2020

There’s a huge difference between wanting to marry someone someday, and being ready to start actively planning a wedding now. And no, contrary to what it may seem when you look through forums like this, most women are not born ready to get married (this is why I find totally surprise proposals so strange – how can a man really make a woman decide whether or not she’s ready in one massively pressured moment?!)

Anyway – you need to make it clear to your boyfriend that he shouldn’t just propse when he is ready and assume that you already will be. Tell him you need some time to get your head in the right place first, and make sure you’re both on the same page in terms of readiness before your engagement.

You’re right to take your time with this, it’s literally the biggest decision of your life after all. I think it’s great that you’re working on yourself for now in order to become your best self and fully ready for married life, more people should have your approach tbh.

Post # 5
Member
2576 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2017 - Courthouse

It sounds like you are mature and trying to focus on the present, not the future. 

I like that you have an open dialogue with your boyfriend and you know you want to get married. I wish more Bees would have a more frank discussion like that with their SO. 

And I think waiting is entirely up to the couple. Some people are completely ready to get married after dating 1 year. And for others it’s more like 10 years. After reading your post, it sounds like you guys have been through a lot (in a good way) and know what living together is like, you must know some about finances together, etc. 

It’s refreshing to see someone post that they honestly aren’t ready for marriage but are gearing up for the future and bettering themselves. They are way too many Bees that have been dating for X amount of months and believe that means they deserve a ring. 

Please keep us updated on your progress and self reflection! xxx

Post # 8
Member
2576 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2017 - Courthouse

ispeakingifs :  That’s awesome you guys want to get healthier. I used to do yoga 4 or 5 times a week and it works wonders!

Post # 10
Member
732 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: London, UK

We’ve felt ready to be married for years. We were waiting till we felt ready to plan a wedding. We got to that point in November after nearly 8 years together. We could have gone and eloped years ago if we wanted to, but we own a house, have a dog, all that stuff, and a marriage certificate wouldn’t have changed any of that. Neither of us feel like the act of becoming married is going to make a difference to us as people or our relationship. So we just wanted to wait till we were in a place (financially, timewise etc) to actually plan a really fun, special wedding and party. When we reached that point we got engaged.

Post # 12
Member
3420 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2021

This sounds like a very healthy and supportive relationship. You’re both on the same page about where you’re at and what you want, and you are both more concerned with growing as individuals and together as a couple than you are with social pressures. 

I’d say you’re not “waiting” since you aren’t actively wishing and/or asking for a formal engagement right now. You’re dating, maybe even “courting” if you want to use that term.

I’d say that the style and trajectory of your relationship is certainly more serious than couples who don’t live together or plan together, so it may feel a bit more appropriate to you to start using the terms “partner” and “partnership” rather than “boyfriend/girlfriend”. Until the use of “partner” became more commonplace, I always found it quite odd that we didn’t have a term that signifies that the relationship has moved well beyond dating but hasn’t been formalised in an engagement or marriage. Not everyone gets married and more and more, many who do look at the wedding and marriage more as the cherry atop the life they’ve built together than the start of something new.

After my fiance and I bought a house together and merged finances, but before we were engaged, I preferred to him almost exclusively as my partner. It just felt more appropriate than “boyfriend”.

Post # 14
Member
3420 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2021

ispeakingifs :  If you are ready to make those legal steps, I am a bit curiousas to why you don’t feel “ready” to get married. Arguably, the label and the marraige certificate have a lot less impact on your lives and are less binding in terms of legal and financial impact than the steps you have already taken and the one you are considering taking… 

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