Post # 1
I’ve been with my boyfriend for 2 years. Together we have two kids… I wish I had been married before I had kids but life changes plans.
Our kids are 3 months and 15 months old.
I have thrown out so many hints over the past year and he KNOWS i want to be married because i flat out told him so. I told him I wouldn’t wait forever and to be honest im not even that excited anymore i just want his commitment.
We were supposed to be going on a holiday (a weekend away) and hinted that he would propose there. He has now said we can’t go because we can’t afford it. (which we can)
He earns over $140k a year and is looking at spending $64k on a new boat. But he can’t afford a e-ring. I HATE jewellery. I’d much rather skip the whole proposal and go to the marriage registry and just make it official. He *says* he prefers it to be traditional.
He’s 29 on Monday, im 24. We live together (have for over 15 months), have kids, share finances, it’s basically like we are married.. but he doesn’t have any of the commitment – it bothers me that we are not married. I told him when we met I wanted to be married and he agreed.
He was engaged to his ex whom he has 2 kids with. He (and his mother) told me how romantic the proposal was and how expensive the ring was and how amazing everything was before she cheated on him of course. I’ve spoken to his cousin about it and he said I need to start keeping on top of the house work more to be more “wife material” … im beginning to wonder if i am better off taking my kids and moving out. I just want a normal life be married and have a happy family but its beginning to feel like i have to beg for it and i dont know but i wanted your opinion.
Post # 2
I wouldn’t up and leave with your kids. Kids need a good father. He is obviously commited or he wouldn’t be home with you every night. Marriage is just a piece of paper. Maybe he is waiting for a special date or whatnot. Do you love him? Is he a good father to your children? Does he cheat?
I would sit him down and go over a timeline. A realistic timeline. Mention that you would love to feel like he is all yours officially. See what his reaction is… Ask him if he is having second thoughts. Men can’t read our minds, maybe he doesn’t really know how you have been feeling lately. Or maybe he feeling hesitant… all you can do is talk to him about it. If you can’t do that – then your not ready to be married. Marriage is ALL about communication. 🙂
Post # 3
He’s not going to propose to you – I think you probably should have done things the other way round if marriage was so important to you and waited to have kids.
You’be kind of missed the boat on the fairytale proposal thing – at this point why don’t you just take charge and organise a marriage ceremony yourself – you don’t need a wedding and ring to get the commitment you need when you have children together.
Post # 4
Do you really want this marriage? Why? I think you have answered your own questions in your description of the problem. What you have written is a description of a man who cares very little for you and makes poor decisions but whose family expects you to earn his committment.
Post # 5
Ok firstly, don’t talk to his cousin about this. You don’t need to talk to anyone outside the two of you. His cousin’s opinion is outdated and chauvinistic, it might not necessarily be what your partner believes. Regardless, he still doesn’t need to be involved in a private matter between the two of you. Now if your partner has those same thoughts I think you need to have a conversation with him about partners and building a partnership.
From your timeline, you got pregnant with your first child after 6 months of dating. Was this an oops baby? If it was an oops baby was it a genuine oops baby that birrh control failed somewhere alon the line or did he just not want to wear a condom? If he didn’t want to wear a condom (and I ask this with you saying he has two other children from a previous relationship) he is not showing you (or possibly former partners too) any respect. If he refused to wear a condom and expected you to sort out the birth control I think he’s selfish and completely disrespectful. Birth control, like many other things, is a discussion to be had between partners and one person doesn’t get to just decide.
However, if you planned a baby with him at 6 months can I ask what timelines you discussed? Why did you decide to get pregnant before marriage, especially when you’re so young and you say it was important to you?
You mention that you share finances but you only say what his income is. Is that because you’re on maternity leave (although you should still have a salary?) or because you’re a SAHM? If you’re a Stay-At-Home Mom then he supports you so you’re financially reliant on him? What were your arguments in the buying the boat saga? Sharing finances is having a say in buying anything that is a large purchase. My husband and I have joint accounts and sep fun money accounts, he still checked with me about buying something that was a large purchase solely for his use, despite having enough in his fun money.
How does your partner feel about marriage? I know you’ve said it’s important to you but is it important to him? Yes, he’s been engaged before but that doesn’t mean he actually sees marriage as important. He might have done a romantic proposal but felt he had to do that by his previous partner and the expectation that because he had children with her, he would marry her. Did they set a date? Was he dragging his feet on that and did that ultimately lead to the deterioration of the engagement? If marriage isn’t important to him (and there’s no other red flags, like the birth control issue) then you need to ask yourself if you love this man enough to be with him. If he’s a good enough father to your children and if he’s faithful to you and works in partnership with you to bring your children up. I knew marriage was important to my husband, he wanted to get married one day and so if he didn’t want to marry me after what I felt was a significant time then I would have left because we both deserved someone to love us to our full. If he’d been indifferent about or against marriage then I’d have stayed.
Have a conversation with your partner. Find out if those chauvinistic views run in the family. What his view on marriage on are. If it’s important, when does he see you guys marrying and go from there.
Post # 6
Our baby was conceived a few WEEKS after we met. She was indeed a oops baby. The thing was (it was a very drunken night) and i asked if he had condoms – he said he didn’t and promised to pull out and well he didnt then said “go get the morning after pill” but never offered to pay for it. I thought I would be OK and didn’t take the pill (couldnt afford it!) and a couple of weeks later I discovered I was pregnant.I actually later found out he indeed did have condoms! But he didn’t use them!
I told him first date that marriage was something I wanted for the future and he agreed. He wanted to settle down etc.
I am a Stay-At-Home Mom but receive money for studying. I am heavily reliant on his pay. He basically sent me a text message yesterday stating he found a boat – it’s $64k, worked out the repayments and when i blew up about it he said “can’t you take a joke? I was just dreaming” but I don’t believe this at all.
I’ve tried to discuss marriage several times. A lot of times he says he wants to be married and “it’ll happen” but once he said “it’s only a piece of paper” and then when I was very upset and said “it’ll never happen” he said “with that attitude it wont”… it’s got to a point I can’t be excited about our relationship. I dont like going to weddings anymore. I turn green when i find out another friend is engaged or getting married. I was VERY upset hearing how amazing the proposal was to his ex and when his mother showed me photos of the hotel and beach where he proposed to her was.
I have no idea how long they were engaged for, if they had picked a date, if they had picked anything. I have absolutely no idea he has never spoken about it. All i know is he took her on a holiday with their firstborn out of state to the beach, proposed on a balcony 25 stories up … grrrr
He is a good Dad. He is an ok partner. Not romantic and doesn’t take me out much but we have kids and hes a shift worker. He isn’t an ass. But i WANT to be married. So much so, it’d be a dealbreaker. I’ve had friends tell me to just get over it because now Ive had kids and im living with him i can forget it. I would literally leave him if it meant never getting married. The way i see it is if it means nothing but a piece of paper why did he go to the extents that he did with his ex and even more so, why hasnt he done it for me?
We had a break in March 2015, just 2 weeks following our first babys birth. We were arguing and it wasn’t about engagement it was just not seeing eye to eye on anything and probably my hormones and sleep deprivation. I was away for a week before I missed him so much I came home. He had been sexting another woman while I was gone and I was so upset and disappointed that he did that however he maintains he didn’t cheat. I took him back and for the most part our relationship has been solid. He’s been a great Dad and a good provider. He knows I want to be married I even told him my finger was ICE COLD… waiting… and laughed.
He just keeps making excuses “i dont know your ring size” ” i dont have the money” “a cheap wedding is still an expensive one” “if i do it i wanna do it right” “its only a piece of paper” “itll happen you have to be patient” – im sorry but 2 kids with someone is ONE HELL OF A COMMITMENT so why the hell cant he marry me 🙁
And as far as his cousin goes – he’s been dating his girl for 6 weeks and hes engaged to her. They rubbed it in my face and asked me to be bridesmaid. ARGH
Post # 7
Oh lordy. He pretended he didn’t have condoms and didn’t pull out like he said? He was sexting two weeks after you had his baby?? I’m afraid my instinct says ‘run’! But I understand that there are kids involved so that makes it harder. Do you want to be with this man forever though? If you do want to marry him, could you propose to him? Otherwise I guess you really just have to sit down and tell him that marriage is a deal breaker for you, and try to negotiate a timeline. You could link him to the exact ring to get. You mentioned his previous fiance cheated on him, so maybe that is playing into his reluctance.
Also… try not to be jealous of his cousin getting engaged after dating 6 weeks… that is alarmingly fast and not something I would encourage!
Post # 8
so this man who already had 2 kids and a failed engagement (curious about weather he raises the other 2, you have failed to mention that key charicter detail) knocked you up two weeks into dating and then again almost instantly after giving birth but spends time sexting other women… this isnt an accident its very bad judgement on your part
you’re young and nieve at best and got yourself stuck in a controlled position and thats not a judgement on you, im from a similar background (only without the other fiance and kids) situation but honestly you need to be able to take more control in the relationship… you need to be able to stand on your own (money, friends and family) otherwise your trapped with him and he wont care if you cant leave because he already ‘owns’ you
Post # 9
tori9223: I’m sorry OP but this guy reminds me so much of this guy I used to work with/casually dated. He had a kid with a girlfriend when he was young, then two more with another girlfriend (who I know he cheated on), and for all I know, has more kids. He would constantly try to get me to sleep with him without a condom and joke about “putting a baby in me.” Gag. As far as I know, he’s in his 30s and not married (or with the women he had children with).
From what you’ve shared, it doesn’t sounds like marriage is important to him. I would have one last “come to Jesus” talk with him about how he feels and what his timeline is (if at all) and if he keeps giving you the run around, I’d consider walking away (you say not wanting marriage is a dealbreaker). He doesn’t sound very respectful and I would’ve guessed he was college age, not 29, which is older than my Fiance and I and plenty old enough to be an adult.
I do not have children, so I can’t imagine how much more difficult it would be for you to get out than someone without children, but I’d try to find a way to be financially independant. If he gives you a certain amount of money a week/month, save as much as you can. Can you get a part time job or work from home to make some extra money?
Post # 10
Why buy the cow when you get the milk for free? Comes to mind in this situation.. Pregnant a few weeks after meeting him due to being too drunk to responsibly use birth control and he was sexting another girl TWO WEEKS after his child was born?? It seems his priority is in his pants. He sounds like a mess and you are completely tied to his income for your kids and it’d be settling to marry him, imo. He sounds like a d-bag who doesn’t have a whole lot of respect for you. My Fiance and I got engaged after 3 and half years together. No kids because we didn’t want them before marriage and paying off student loans, getting a house, steady job, ect. I am 26, he’s 27.
Post # 11
What kind of nonsense is this???
You couldn’t afford the morning after pill that costs20-30$????? WHAT??! were you that down and low when this guy came around that you decided to just not care and have sex without a condom???? And then just say who cares when he didn’t pull out and now are blaming him for not paying for your morning after pill? No offense but this is ridiculous.
So you get pregnant a few weeks later after meeting this 140k guy while having NO money not even 20.00 for the pill and then proceed to get pregnant AGAIN straight after all while moaning a d complaining that he is not marrying you.
NEWS FLASH!!! having a baby with a man doesn’t make him love you more or want to marry you!
Post # 12
I’ll be honest, I don’t think this guy will ever marry you. You got pregnant soooo quickly that you didn’t even really have time to develop a relationship just the two of you. It was like you were forced into this huge commitment. Plus, from your updates it doesn’t sound like this is someone you should even WANT TO marry.
I have a friend that got a girl pregnant within the first month of dating. Since he had an absentee father he had always promised he wouldn’t be that way. So he threw himself into a relationship with this girl that he frankly didn’t really care for, but he wanted to be there for his son. They moved in together right away, he quit school, and they started playing house. This lasted over 5 years but neither one was ever truly happy. They fought constantly and he would use any excuse he could not to come home at night. He was horribly depressed and started rinking very heavily. It was horrible but he thought he was doing what was best for his family. Well, after a lot of talking with his friends we helped him realize that it was worse for his son to grow up in a household where his parents didn’t like each other and fought all the time than for them to live in separate homes. So after 5 years he moved out and both he and the mother are muuuch happier now. The problem was that they really were only together because of the pregnancy. If she had never gotten pregnant their relationship would’ve fizzled out within 6 months because they just weren’t a good match.
Ask yourself, would you be with this guy if you didn’t get pregnant right away?
Post # 13
tori9223: I’m sorry Hun, it does not sound like this guy respects you at all. He’s ‘joking’ about spending 64k on a boat. He had condoms on him and still had unprotected sex with after only a few weeks of dating. He was setting another woman two weeks after you’d given birth to his child.
Do you want to marry someone who appearrs to have so little respect for you? I think marriage wouldn’t be fair to you in this position and you would not be in a partnership. Please don’t confuse wanting to be married with needing to marry him, or believing in marriage and marrying someone who doesn’t respect you and want to build a partnership with you. If you marry in the future, it should be to someone who respects you, helps you and cares for you, even when there’s sleep deprivation, hormones, illness or whatever else life is throwing in your direction. Have a serious think about whether this is how you want to live and if there’s anything to do to fix the lack of respect.
Also don’t compare yourselves to others. It’s easier said than done (been there) but we all run at our timelines.
Post # 14
I feel soooooooooooo bad for those kids
Post # 15
This guy is no good for you or your kids.