(Closed) Is it ever OK for your best friend and ex-love to date?

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
472 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2010 - Ladder 15 Restaurant

I don’t think you should be upset.  You are married, and while this person was an important part of your life in the past, you have no claim over him anymore, and really shouldn’t care about his affairs, no matter who they are with.  Your best friend probably knows exactly what she’s getting into after hearing details from you over the years, and while it might be a little tactless for her to hide it from you, I don’t think that you should be very upset.  There’s a reason you moved on from him, so just think about that!

Post # 4
Member
979 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

I don’t think you should be mad at all.  You have moved on and married.  i would let them date and give them your blessing.

Post # 5
Member
2392 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

My best friend and my college boyfriend are married to each other, so clearly I have no issue in general with my friends dating guys I’ve dated previously.  But there’s still something that strikes me as off about what’s going on here and is making me feel somewhat uncomfortable.

There’s two things that seem wrong about this situation.  The first is that this guy confessed his love to you but was at the same time trying to plan a date with your best friend.  Maybe he’s just trying to clear the air and free himself from you in his own mind, but it seems suspicious.

The second, and more important thing is that your friend was planning a date with him without telling you about it.  Like I said, I’m not a believer in friends’ exes being “off limits” but I think openness and honesty are really important.  It seems like generally she trusts you quite a bit, if you have each other’s facebook logins, but this seems not at all trusting.  I probably would talk to her.  At least let her know what ex-love said to you.  Even if you had no issue with them dating, you’d want your friend to know if she was planning to go out with some guy who just confessed his love for another woman.

Post # 6
Member
3148 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

I think you have a right to be upset…jsut bc they are being so SNEAKY about it..

Heres the thing. My Dh dated one girl, and one girl only..(besides me) and that girl is now married to Darling Husband best friend…i HATE IT, makes me furious and its really hard to look past sometimes….time has gone by though and I am getting better. What hurt me and Darling Husband the MOST was they were really sneaky about it at first…sneaking over to each others place, saying they were studying and when we went there once and her roomate caught them making out they still denied it. FINALLY DH’s friend told him out of respect. If what they were doing was “right” and”okay” then there should be no need for being sneaky. And your friends are being sneaky. Because there is past feelings involved (and obviously current ones as well, since he still seems to love you) you should be informed of their decision…can you gt mad at them? no Can you feel upset? yes.

 

I think the general rule is ex-s of friends are usually off bounds, i always thought it was an unspoken rule….

Post # 7
Member
3587 posts
Sugar bee

 You’re married, they are two single people, you and the ex don’t have kids together, so no mess there. You shouldn’t be mad at all, unless you still have feelings for him, which it sounds like you do.

Post # 9
Member
9029 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

I can understand that its a bit odd because its your best friend rather than any other person, but I agree with pp, that since you are married and have clearly moved on, it shouldnt upset you.

Post # 10
Member
2788 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2011

Is it ever ok? To me, most certainly yes.  I am of the mind set that if it didn’t work out for us, and I think you (ex) are a better match for a friend I know, why wouldn’t I try to set you up? Especially if the ex and I were friends and I thought he was a good guy…why wouldn’t I want my friend to be happy with them?

The only ex I would be slightly annoyed about a friend dating would be the a$$-hole ex I never want to see again – because I wouldn’t want to see him again and possibly would if they dated.

Post # 11
Member
13099 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2010

I think the only reason that you’d have a right to be upset was if you still had feelings for him and your friend knew this.  But you say that you are happily married and over him so I really don’t see what the issue is.

You still seem to think that he is a great guy (even if you prefer your husband) so I’d think you’d be happy that your best friend is considering dating someone who is such a great guy.

Post # 12
Member
8738 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2011

I think you need to take a step away and let them figure out if they  have any chemistry.

Maybe she doesn’t want to tell you about it just yet because she doesn’t know how she feels about him yet.

You are married, you are in a loving relationship. You have no more claim to him.

Hopefully she’ll tell you about it sooner rather than later, but maybe she’s worried about your reaction and wants to see how she really feels about him before telling you and possibly risking your friendship.

Post # 13
Member
1115 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2010

@miss allie: Whoa, log back in? What, are you checking her emails?

That is not cool.

ETA – just saw the original post about each other’s facebooks. Still think it’s not cool.

And it sounds to me like you still have feelings for this guy. And staying in each other’s lives is a potentially very dangerous situation you’re putting yourself into.

You are married now. I think you should let this guy go. He should be free to date whom he pleases.

Post # 14
Member
2392 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

@miss allie: It does sound like your conversation ended, then, with you encouraging him to date other people.  So while it’s weird that he’s confessing his love for you and then planning dates, that does make a lot more sense now.

It sounds like it’s only been a day or two since he’s asked out your friend, in which case I don’t think you have a right to be upset with her… it’s okay that you’re feeling uncomfortable because you feel like they’re sneaking around and you found out by reading a private conversation (even if you didn’t originally intend to snoop on them).  That’s just a recipe for guilt and awkwardness all around, and you’re entitled to that.

I don’t think you’re really right to be angry with them, though.  As for the guy, he knows you’re done with him.  You’ve told him there must be someone wonderful for him and to try to find it, which is what he’s doing.  As for your best friend, it sounds like it’s been a matter of hours and they haven’t gone out yet.  She may well intend to tell you at some point soon. 

If I were you, I would come clean about seeing the conversation if she doesn’t tell me about the date the next time I see her, but I almost always tend towards the overshare.  So I am not sure that is actually good advice.  What I do think is that you’re in a (hopefully temporary b/c one of them will tell you what’s going on) awkard position of knowing something that you really ought to be told but isn’t necessarily being concealed from you because it hasn’t happened yet.  Maybe the best thing to do is minimize it because you have no interest in dating this guy and want both him and your friend to be happy. 

Post # 15
Member
5977 posts
Bee Keeper

@miss allie: I feel you. I think I would also be upset. This isn’t just some random fling that you had…this was an ex that you dated on and off for 6 YEARS! That’s a long time! I have an ex that I dated for only 3 years, but I would still be pretty upset if one of my best girlfriends got together with him. In my eyes, an ex is always off limits. So, I think you’re justified in being upset, even though you are married now.

Not to mention, I’m sure your best friend wouldn’t be all that happy if she knew that he had just told you that he still loved you and told you everything you had always wanted to hear – even if it is too late b/c you’re married. He asked her out the same night he told you that he still loved you. What’s with that?

Post # 16
Member
2410 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

I think that if you have found happiness with someone else, why wouldn’t you want the two people that you care so deeply about to have a chance at happiness too? If you no longer have feelings for this guy then it shouldn’t be an issue. She probably hasn’t told you yet because she wants to see if there is anything there or not.

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