Post # 1
I am a regular poster and am trying to conceal my identity. I got married this past summer and am very happy with my husband. That said, before him there was one guy who I dated on and off for 6 years. I think I will always love him in a certain way. If I had to choose between him and my husband, I would chose my husband every time though.
Anyway, this person who is a friend from high school came to my wedding and also knows my best friend (also from high school and who was a bridesmaid). We all met up this past weekend while he was home for the Thanksgiving week. My husband and my best friend went home early and I was out with the ex-love and two other friends. My ex-love broke down and told me everything I always wanted him to hear – how much he still loves me, etc. It kind of sent me through a brief loop since this was what I always waited to hear (before I finally just moved on), but I am happy with my husband and would not change anything. It was disconcerting though.
That said, I just found out that my ex-love has been trying to take my best friend out on a date while he is home. My best friend also has not told me about it, which bothers me. The way I know is that my best friend and I go on each others facebook profiles to basically look at peoples profiles that one if us but not the other one is friends with. I basically accidentally clicked on her messages and saw ex-love trying to plan a date with her. She is actually trying to make it work so they can go out.
Do I have a right to be upset? My best friend knows how important ex-love was in my life. She also is tentatively planning a date with him and not telling me. Also, since the way I found out is so backwards, even though I wasn’ trying to be sneaky, I feel like I can’t say anything about it.
Basically if there was one person I wouldn’t want my best friend being with, it would be him since we were together for so long. Do I even have a right to be feeling this way? I don’t plan on confronting her. I would just love to talk with you girls about it, since I clearly can’t do it with her.
Post # 3
- Wedding: October 2010 - Ladder 15 Restaurant
I don’t think you should be upset. You are married, and while this person was an important part of your life in the past, you have no claim over him anymore, and really shouldn’t care about his affairs, no matter who they are with. Your best friend probably knows exactly what she’s getting into after hearing details from you over the years, and while it might be a little tactless for her to hide it from you, I don’t think that you should be very upset. There’s a reason you moved on from him, so just think about that!
Post # 4
I don’t think you should be mad at all. You have moved on and married. i would let them date and give them your blessing.
Post # 5
My best friend and my college boyfriend are married to each other, so clearly I have no issue in general with my friends dating guys I’ve dated previously. But there’s still something that strikes me as off about what’s going on here and is making me feel somewhat uncomfortable.
There’s two things that seem wrong about this situation. The first is that this guy confessed his love to you but was at the same time trying to plan a date with your best friend. Maybe he’s just trying to clear the air and free himself from you in his own mind, but it seems suspicious.
The second, and more important thing is that your friend was planning a date with him without telling you about it. Like I said, I’m not a believer in friends’ exes being “off limits” but I think openness and honesty are really important. It seems like generally she trusts you quite a bit, if you have each other’s facebook logins, but this seems not at all trusting. I probably would talk to her. At least let her know what ex-love said to you. Even if you had no issue with them dating, you’d want your friend to know if she was planning to go out with some guy who just confessed his love for another woman.
Post # 6
I think you have a right to be upset…jsut bc they are being so SNEAKY about it..
Heres the thing. My Dh dated one girl, and one girl only..(besides me) and that girl is now married to Darling Husband best friend…i HATE IT, makes me furious and its really hard to look past sometimes….time has gone by though and I am getting better. What hurt me and Darling Husband the MOST was they were really sneaky about it at first…sneaking over to each others place, saying they were studying and when we went there once and her roomate caught them making out they still denied it. FINALLY DH’s friend told him out of respect. If what they were doing was “right” and”okay” then there should be no need for being sneaky. And your friends are being sneaky. Because there is past feelings involved (and obviously current ones as well, since he still seems to love you) you should be informed of their decision…can you gt mad at them? no Can you feel upset? yes.
I think the general rule is ex-s of friends are usually off bounds, i always thought it was an unspoken rule….
Post # 7
You’re married, they are two single people, you and the ex don’t have kids together, so no mess there. You shouldn’t be mad at all, unless you still have feelings for him, which it sounds like you do.
Post # 8
@Entangled: See, this is what bothers me about it too.
Best friend knows how I felt about him. Also, when I left ex-love’s sister’s apartment the night this all went down. We gave each other a big hug and I told him that I want for us to stay a part of each other’s lives, but the reason it never worked out for us was that we weren’t right for each other. I told him that for such a long time, I wanted him to be the one, but it turned out that he wasn’t. I said that just means that there is someone else out there who he will love so much more than me and just because he felt like he just wasn’t ready to settle down back then (and now that he is), doesn’t mean that I was the one.
Not 12 hours later, there were 2 messages from him to best friend asking what she was doing that night. When she responded with what she was doing and asked how long he would be in town, he asked her out for the following night, which she also couldn’t do, but then offered up tonight. I don’t want to log back into her account because then I am knowlingly spying on the situation and that just seems so wrong.
Post # 9
I can understand that its a bit odd because its your best friend rather than any other person, but I agree with pp, that since you are married and have clearly moved on, it shouldnt upset you.
Post # 10
Is it ever ok? To me, most certainly yes. I am of the mind set that if it didn’t work out for us, and I think you (ex) are a better match for a friend I know, why wouldn’t I try to set you up? Especially if the ex and I were friends and I thought he was a good guy…why wouldn’t I want my friend to be happy with them?
The only ex I would be slightly annoyed about a friend dating would be the a$$-hole ex I never want to see again – because I wouldn’t want to see him again and possibly would if they dated.
Post # 11
I think the only reason that you’d have a right to be upset was if you still had feelings for him and your friend knew this. But you say that you are happily married and over him so I really don’t see what the issue is.
You still seem to think that he is a great guy (even if you prefer your husband) so I’d think you’d be happy that your best friend is considering dating someone who is such a great guy.
Post # 12
I think you need to take a step away and let them figure out if they have any chemistry.
Maybe she doesn’t want to tell you about it just yet because she doesn’t know how she feels about him yet.
You are married, you are in a loving relationship. You have no more claim to him.
Hopefully she’ll tell you about it sooner rather than later, but maybe she’s worried about your reaction and wants to see how she really feels about him before telling you and possibly risking your friendship.
Post # 13
@miss allie: Whoa, log back in? What, are you checking her emails?
That is not cool.
ETA – just saw the original post about each other’s facebooks. Still think it’s not cool.
And it sounds to me like you still have feelings for this guy. And staying in each other’s lives is a potentially very dangerous situation you’re putting yourself into.
You are married now. I think you should let this guy go. He should be free to date whom he pleases.
Post # 14
@miss allie: It does sound like your conversation ended, then, with you encouraging him to date other people. So while it’s weird that he’s confessing his love for you and then planning dates, that does make a lot more sense now.
It sounds like it’s only been a day or two since he’s asked out your friend, in which case I don’t think you have a right to be upset with her… it’s okay that you’re feeling uncomfortable because you feel like they’re sneaking around and you found out by reading a private conversation (even if you didn’t originally intend to snoop on them). That’s just a recipe for guilt and awkwardness all around, and you’re entitled to that.
I don’t think you’re really right to be angry with them, though. As for the guy, he knows you’re done with him. You’ve told him there must be someone wonderful for him and to try to find it, which is what he’s doing. As for your best friend, it sounds like it’s been a matter of hours and they haven’t gone out yet. She may well intend to tell you at some point soon.
If I were you, I would come clean about seeing the conversation if she doesn’t tell me about the date the next time I see her, but I almost always tend towards the overshare. So I am not sure that is actually good advice. What I do think is that you’re in a (hopefully temporary b/c one of them will tell you what’s going on) awkard position of knowing something that you really ought to be told but isn’t necessarily being concealed from you because it hasn’t happened yet. Maybe the best thing to do is minimize it because you have no interest in dating this guy and want both him and your friend to be happy.
Post # 15
@miss allie: I feel you. I think I would also be upset. This isn’t just some random fling that you had…this was an ex that you dated on and off for 6 YEARS! That’s a long time! I have an ex that I dated for only 3 years, but I would still be pretty upset if one of my best girlfriends got together with him. In my eyes, an ex is always off limits. So, I think you’re justified in being upset, even though you are married now.
Not to mention, I’m sure your best friend wouldn’t be all that happy if she knew that he had just told you that he still loved you and told you everything you had always wanted to hear – even if it is too late b/c you’re married. He asked her out the same night he told you that he still loved you. What’s with that?
Post # 16
I think that if you have found happiness with someone else, why wouldn’t you want the two people that you care so deeply about to have a chance at happiness too? If you no longer have feelings for this guy then it shouldn’t be an issue. She probably hasn’t told you yet because she wants to see if there is anything there or not.