(Closed) Is it ever ok to ask guests to pay for themselves? I would think NOT! (LONG)

posted 7 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
Member
2450 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

well, i don’t think this has anything to do with the couple being of the LGBT community… and more of them being in a hurry and probably strapped for last minute cash. it is rude to just TELL guests that they need to pay you instead of asking if it would be okay for everyone to chip in though.

my reception is just a dinner at a restaurant and our guests are paying for their own meals. but… it’s only our immediate family and two best friends (18 guests). we had talked with them and we couldn’t afford a regular reception and the family actually suggested the restaurant idea because they would rather do that than not have any reception at all.

Post # 5
Member
7296 posts
Busy Beekeeper

hmm, i guess i see both sides.  i think if i were the bride in this situation i would do the restaurant thing but not at a set price, so not everyone had to spend $65.  but i see where she is coming from. i think by “not a real wedding”  she meant not your typical wedding reception.  i know i go out for my birthday every year with  my friends to a restaurant and everyone pays their own meal.  and they all do the same. so i guess i see it like that.  she is getting married and wants to celebrate with her friends and family after by going out for dinner.  i don’t see the harm.

ETA:  i think if this were my friend, i would have sucked it up and paid or if i truly did not have the money, i would ask if i could come but not eat the preset meal and drinks and just get something small – i would ask her to ask the restaurant for this option, just so i could still go support her wedding and be there for her.

Post # 6
Member
501 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

WHATS LGBT?

AND I AGREE WIH YOU! IF U CANT AFFORD TO PAY FOR YOUR OWN WEDDING THEN THEY SHOULD DEFINITLEY WAIT, SAVE AND DO IT PROPERLY! I APPLAUD U FOR SPEAKING UP TO HER WELL DONE 🙂

SORRY BOUT CAPS MY PHONE WONT LET ME  TYPE IN LOWER  CASE

Post # 7
Member
7293 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2011

She should have stated that in Lieu of a gift, that attendees could please pay for their meal.

Unfortunately Im not sure about LGBT wedding etiquette, buts its sad when they have been desperate to have a marriage recognized and they don’t say its a “real” wedding. I guess I am out of the loop

Post # 8
Member
2450 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

@VegasSukie: no, of course not. we are not in as much of a hurry as your friends. and since we aren’t reserving a room… just making a bulk reservation in the main restaraunt, i don’t need a specific amount per person. everyone just pays for what they order. mine is very informal.

the way your friends went about this is quite rude… but i imagine that they are quite frazzled. it may come to bite them in the butt in the end though.

 

… i am assuming this ‘lottery’ you spoke of is a big deal…. that’s why they are in a hurry, but why a lottery?

Post # 10
Member
2295 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

@VegasSukie: I dont think you should go if you feel this strongly about the insult. I also do think she was being manipulative towards you about it, and guilt tripping you over it. Do you actually want to go, even though you feel slighted?

Did what she do, blazenly ask people to pay for her reception, right? No in my opinion. But in the long run if you just cant settle this within yourself, I would suggest not going.

Post # 13
Member
5891 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2012

maybe i don’t understand the system all that well, but there’s a lottery?  That doesn’t make any sense to me.  It’s legal or it isn’t.  It isn’t just legal for some gay couples and not others.  and what’s the rush to do it RIGHT NOW?  if they were selected (which i still don’t understand), surely they can’t be expected to marry this very instant?  what if they were out of town when they were selected?  this is so strange.

 

Post # 15
Member
602 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

I don’t think this is normal “etiquette” regardless of the sexual orientation of the people getting married (ie: i don’t think being LBTG has anything to do with it). 

I think she was blindsided by an opportunity she was waiting for and didn’t have time to plan something the way she would have wanted to otherwise.  She is probably excited and wants to celebrate so she is doing the best she can under those circumstances.

Yes,  there are MUCH more tactful ways to suggest that she needs people to cover their own meals.  Maybe call it a celebration vs.  reception like people do for birthdays etc. 

I think she is just scrambling with the time frame and being excited.

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