(Closed) Is it ever okay… to ask why people RSVP no?

posted 7 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
Member
7606 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

Hmm, that sucks, I would definitely ask them why if they are your “best” friends.  Not sure what else to tell ya!  Have your relationships with them changed since you sent out the invites?  Could it be shift work or financial issues or travel?

ETA: Ok, now that you’ve said they’ve been distant since the engagement, I wouldn’t answer.  Sorry, I had the impression you were closer to them.  Hopefully they’ll offer an explanation on their own!

Post # 4
Member
400 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2011

I wouldn’t ask just yet, even though it’s hard not to. I found that good friends who don’t make it to the wedding will eventually get in touch with you and let you know why they couldn’t attend

Post # 5
Member
4336 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

I don’t know what you mean by “best…” I don’t think it would be polite to ask anyone who was anything less than a bridesmaid-level-best-friend, and even then you’d have to be pretty careful.

Post # 6
Member
2226 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: January 2012

They have their reasons: I wouldn’t suggest putting them on the spot like that. If they wanted to tell you why, they would have or will…

Post # 8
Member
2142 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

If it’s a really close friend that RSVPed no I usually shoot them a quick email saying I’m so sad you can’t make it but understand!!!

Usually they end up explaining why although that’s not why I did it. I was genuinely sad they could not make it. 🙁

Post # 9
Member
2584 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

For me it would depend how close I am to them. Most of my relatives I would feel comfortable asking why, though I think they’d tell me anyway. My closest friends are BMs anyway, so I probably wouldn’t ask any friends more distant than that, with a couple exceptions. You know how close you are to them better than we do. However, the fact that you’re asking this question makes me think you’re probably not close enough to feel completely comfortable asking, so I guess I’d say in your case it might be best to let it go and hope they tell you on their own.

Post # 10
Member
3267 posts
Sugar bee

I don’t think you should ask.  But I do think it’s ok to express disappointment that they can’t make it. 

I would focus on how happy you are that all your other guests could make it.

Post # 11
Member
611 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

I don’t think you should ask. As others have said, you can let them know how sorry you are that they won’t be able to join, and they may offer some explanation then, but if they don’t, then it would be rude to push it.

You haven’t mentioned the relationship status of your friends, but if they have been a bit distant since your engagement, then it sounds like they might be either single, or in relationships that haven’t yet moved on to engagement… in which case I think you will inevitably be disappointed if you expect them to be ‘uber’ excited about the shower. Showers are mostly only fun for the bride. And if you’re single, or “waiting,” they can be downright painful. If that’s the case with your friends, put yourself in their shoes and go easy on them.

Post # 12
Member
611 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

also, I just saw that your wedding date is 12/30… not sure about your friend circle, but among people I know, many people have holiday plans that have them traveling or visiting family on that date. That could be a major factor right there.

Post # 13
Member
46606 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

I don’t think it is ever appropraite to ask someone why they aren’t coming. They have been polite and let you know they are unable to attend. That is all that is required.

Obviously those who have not responded have not been as polite. You will have to contact them, particularly for the wedding, but you still don’t need to know the reason if they say no.

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