(Closed) Is it ever okay to read your fiance's messages ?

posted 4 years ago in Emotional
Post # 46
Member
10306 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

Wait, did you say you don’t believe in looking at your partners phone for religious reasons?

Did I understand that correctly? Or was that more of an expression.

Post # 47
Member
2317 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: January 2015

 Op you seem weirdly aggressive about this. So you don’t snoop, that’s nice for you. 

Why are you on such a high horse about what others do? Why did you even ask then? 

Post # 49
Member
4250 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: February 2009

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misslucy :  My DH and I do this.  We use whatever phone is closest.  And he get notifications on his tablet for my FB because I downloaded it there and he does not use FB.  But he does not go out of his way to read what pops up, nor do I.  I saw a message pop up the other day on his phone, from a female coworker, and I didn’t even ask.  I trust him.  He brought it up to me later, just because he wanted to share what she said to me.  So even couples that do share phones or devices can do so without violating feiends trust.  I think it comes down to trust and just looking the other way when you notice something that does not concern you.

Post # 50
Member
50 posts
Worker bee

 I agree with several in that if you feel the need to snoop, there’s a bigger problem going on. 

I never felt like I could trust my ex, from the very beginning. Always had trust issues with what looked like no reason.

I found out he was cheating on me after 4 years through snooping. 

Trust those instincts. 

Disclaimer: If you can’t trust him, don’t be with him. Save your sanity and anxiety for something else.

 

Post # 51
Member
484 posts
Helper bee

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brokeandinlove92 :  on page 1 you said to cloverdemeter  “your snooping is no better than him cheating, two wrongs don’t make a right”. While I don’t believe in snooping myself, I don’t think most people agree that they are exactly the same level of bad behaviour. For one, you can’t bring home an STI or make someone pregnant from reading a text. 

Post # 52
Member
1583 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2017

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misslucy :  I agree with you. I text people stuff that is not for my husband’s eyes all the time. Maybe it’s a friend’s problem and I don’t think it’s appropriate to share. Maybe I’m annoyed at him about something and want to debrief by venting to a friend. Maybe I’m discussing something that happened at work and it’s confidential but I’m talking to a coworker. 

I personally think that you’re entitled to basic privacy in a relationship, and that your partner doesn’t need to know everything you say or do on the internet. If I was having the urge to check his stuff, that’s probably a red flag that the trust is compromised because of other shady behaviours I’m seeing. However, I probably would snoop if I was pretty sure he was cheating and needed evidence, so I have time to move out and get my stuff organised.

Post # 53
Member
852 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

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brokeandinlove92 :  I agree. It is completely inappropriate if you don’t have permission. If you don’t trust your SO be an adult and have a conversation. Maybe more importantly, if there is a lack of trust in a relationship it most likely wil not work.

Post # 54
Member
117 posts
Blushing bee

I don’t want my husband going through my phone for two reasons: (1) I would hope he has the basic courtesy of respecting my privacy and trusting me, and (2) I have nothing to hide but I wouldn’t want him to see what I write to my friends (and what they write to me), what I read online, or even my mundane Google search history. It’s like giving someone permission to read my mind. While I may have nothing to hide, I would feel completely uncomfortable doing so. I also never go through his phone.

But if he was acting completely sketchy, then things might change, but only if it got to the point that the trust has been broken because of his actions. And if I were to cheat (not that I ever would), I wouldn’t blame him for looking at my phone. But if I randomly found him looking through my things one day when I gave him no reason to, it would be something very hard for me to forgive.

Post # 55
Member
579 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

I find it strange how many couples won’t let each other use their phones, given they’re the person you share everything with and know best..  My husband and I have never bothered about looking on phones or using the others if it’s closest, hah. I will read his messages sometimes, mostly because I’m involved in meeting up with his friends and family, and he can be a bit hopeless at relaying all the details. I know he’ll use mine sometimes and it doesn’t bother me. I guess it’s not snooping as we both know about it. (Though I’ve said it’d be reason to be suspicious if he now changes his code and guards the phone :P) 

ETA: I don’t feel the need to check everything on his phone to see what he’s been up to, but I think if I ever did, I probably would, but it would be a sign I thought he was up to something worth hiding. 

Post # 56
Member
10735 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

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snowbelles : 

Yes I thought that ,  pleas for people not to be nasty,  much defensive stuff about not judging (whilst telling other people not to be defensive)  and  lots of of offended-sounding responses generally …..

I am , of course against the the ideal of snooping generally/morally,  but if I really believed that something  serious was going on I might. It’s all very well to take the high moral tone of “I’d  never be with anyone who I thought might cheat. ”  but, sometimes  they do anyway despite your confidence in your ability to choose a never-cheater ……

Post # 57
Member
918 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

The only time I would consider it okay to read my FI’s messages is if I somehow really suspected him of cheating, like if he stumbled home at 3am covered in lipstick. I’d be all up in his phone. 

But under normal circumstances, I don’t think it’s okay to read each other’s messages. My Fiance and I know each other’s passwords and don’t care if the other person uses our phone, because we know our privacy will be respected (and that we don’t have anything to hide either). To each their own, but I could never be with someone who felt like they had a right to read my messages to my friends. 

Post # 58
Member
554 posts
Busy bee

Umm only because you have never been in a situation where you felt like you had to snoop doesn’t make it okay to judge others. Obviously it’s not okay to constantly log into your partner’s FB or whatever, this just means a lack of trust and you’re better off breaking up anyways. BUT, having snooped myself in the past, in some situations it’s pretty understandable. Let’s say you really trust your SO, but then something really weird happens and you wonder what’s going on, and if they’ve been lying to you all long. You already kinda know there is something off about the situation, but you need to know the truth. That’s basically what happened to me. I couldn’t just sit there wondering if he was telling me the truth about something or not, because my gut told me he was lying. I snooped, and found he was seeing another girl behind my back. 

Post # 59
Member
678 posts
Busy bee

I dont think there is anything wrong with snooping at all. I don’t really consider it snooping if you are married or engaged anyway. I don’t understand what is the big deal with it. You are planning on sharing rest of your life with this person but you have a heart attack if they use your phone or read your email or messages? I think when people get married their expectation of privacy should decrease. I use my husband phone, computer, email, fb all the time. I have read his messages if he happened to get one while I was on his phone. I was not looking for anything specific and I don’t think he is cheating, but I am also not going to walk on ice so he can have his privacy. If people don’t anything to hide then they should not have a problem with it. 

how I see it is that we are married, there is no privacy between us except in the restroom. 

Post # 60
Member
591 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

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ashleyroo :  I was not looking for anything specific and I don’t think he is cheating, but I am also not going to walk on ice so he can have his privacy.

I really don’t see how not going through someone’s messages equates to ‘walking on ice’. Have you never had a private conversation with a friend alone? The idea that every single thought or contact with another person needs to be shared purely because you’re married is ludicrous. 

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