Post # 1
My boyfriend met this girl while they were working together at a bar 4 years ago. In the beginning of their friendship, she expressed intrerest in dating him, and he said that they shoul’nt ruin the friendship that they have. So since then they have become bestfriends. The girl has a boyfriend now however, she calls my boyfriend “second bae” (ridiculous term i know), tells him she loves him at the end of calls, talks to him on a constant basis, and even went on vacation with him and his friends (who she is not close with). They even got a hotel room together for the first night, which he failed to mention in advance.
The girl reached out to me and wrote, saying i have nothing to worry about and that their friendship is plutonic. But i told her that i believe their frienship goes beyond any casual friendship and it is inappropriate as they are both in serious relationships. I also told her that if she cares that much about her bestfriend, than she shouldn’t get in the way of our relationship as it is causing distance, whether its intentional or not. She obviously decided that she will not ‘ditch’ her bestfriend.
I need help, please tell me, is this frienship toxic or not? Because its killing me inside and i cant sleep, i told my boyfriend many times about how uncomfortable i am with this friendship and how i cant go on if it doesnt end. Am I paranoid and is it normal to feel this way?
Post # 2
Hellllllllllz no. If my husband shared a hotel room with another woman and didn’t tell me, that would be a huge red flag.
Post # 3
okay my fianceʻs best friend is female and I ADORE her so hereʻs the similiarities and differences:
1) they have definitely spent the night alone at his house before, and I firmly believe nothing happened at all (but not a hotel room, never on a vacation)
2) the way he tells it is that SHE turned HIM down initially (he was single for years) and just remained friends, both maintain and I believe that nothing ever happened even while both were single
3) they do NOT have pet names for each other, they call each other by their normal nicknames
4) they casually say “luv ya” often but her and I also say that to each other now that we are friends
My bottomline is that I have never felt uncomfortable around them, sensed any spark or chemistry, never felt like the 3rd wheel, or like the “outsider” to them
if it feels off then something IS off. HOWEVER, donʻt discount all females in his life just because theyʻre female, follow your instinct and lay it out with him in a mature discussion 🙂
Post # 4
Ok on the basis of the topic alone, a boyfriend having a female best friend is not unhealthy.
But then I read your post and uh yeah it’s inappropriate as hell. Saying “I love you” at the end of calls, having frequent calls at all while you’re uncomfortable with it (who even calls friends anymore lol?), sharing a hotel room and NOT telling you first? You have no reason to trust your boyfriend with the way they’re acting, because this is not normal at all, wtf.
Edit: These things might pass if he was open about them like the poster above and you were comfortable with it.
Post # 5
My husband had a female best friend but thier relationship is nothing like you’ve described here, neither of them have ever expressed a sexual interest in the other, and it’s never made me uncomfortable.
Pretty much everything you listed would be a dealbreaker to me. It sounds like he very much puts her first and you shouldn’t have to be fighting for that spot. Personally, I’d just end the relationship. You don’t need to be dealing with this crap.
Post # 6
Well she spent 2000$ just to visit my boyfriend. He did not tell me she was coming alone without her friends, and without knowing anybody in the group besides my boyfriend. I mean.. who spends 2000$ to visit a “friend” when you just came back from another vacation with your boyfriend. I feel very uncomfortable.
Post # 7
amelia777 : you are not paranoid. The fact that you have had to have the conversation you described is already a red flag. What is your bf’s position? I would not have married my husband if he didn’t voluntarily distance himself from female friends. I do not believe in genuine “bff” relationship between male and female. I do believe in casual friendship with limits and boundaries.
Every relationship is different and it’s a matter for you to decide if YOU are okay with it. Your bf and the girl will try to make you into this paranoid jealous territorial psycho girlfriend. At the end of the day, it is your choice whether you are okay with it in the event that your bf does not distance himself from her.
And the girl is really stepping on everyone’s boundaries. I have few male friends but hell no I would never go on trips with them or spend $2000 to go and see them. I dont even meet male friends one on one out of courtesy for my husband. But you can’t influence her actions, you should be talking to your boyfriend.
but as one of the PP said I dont think you deserve this kinda drama. Theres plenty of fish in the sea 🙂
Post # 8
Well I told him that I am not okay with it and that if this continues, I cannot stay. Not because I am manipulating him in some way, but because I know I will be miserable. She calls him at innappropriate times like 3am to “talk” and he hides her messages from me whenever she texts him. She went to visit him knowing that I would not be there, even though she did not know anybody there but my bf. Also, she went by herself when my boyfriend told me that she was going to go with her friends to stay in a different part of the same city. NOT a hotel together!!!!! Thank you for the replies everybody.
Post # 9
Damn! that girl was just all out wrong, no boundaries whatsoever!
Post # 10
Have you ever hung out with HER bf? Iʻd be curious to see how he feels about these twoʻs CLEARLY inappropriate “friendship” IF he knows at all. If youʻre to the point of leaving, Iʻd seriously consider reaching out, cuz if youʻre already 1 foot out the door, what do you have to lose?
Post # 11
danakxox : No I have not. They live in a completely different city and she comes to visit my boyfriend alone. Mostly when I am not home.
Post # 12
Oh hell no. She’s sneaking over for visits when she knows you won’t be there while they’re both acting as though you are being unreasonable or paranoid? Absolutely not. Your boyfriend is out of line for allowing her to make clandestine visits at times that are calculated to avoid your presence. They are so scandalous. And on top of that, this chick sending you a letter saying you have nothing to worry about while she’s actively behaving like a side piece and your boyfriend is protecting the relationship with her rather than the one with you…
They are both in the wrong and your boyfriend is showing her exactly how little respect she needs to have for your relationship. I’d ask him if he would be okay with you having a male friend behaving in the exact same way as this chick. Would he actually be okay with you having a guy sneaking into your home for visits when you knew he’d be away? Would he truly be okay with you going on vacation and staying in a room with another man and keeping it a secret? Would he really feel nothing if you were saying “I love you” to another man and calling or receiving calls from another man at 3am? And if you were basically acting like you were in an open relationship but reassured him “we’re just friends! we’ve never done anything!”
I cannot imagine he would be okay with that. He’s either stupid or a liar.
Post # 13
Some of my best friends are male, and I don’t believe there’s anything wrong with male/female friendships (I think gender and sexuality are fluid as it is), but there are red flags for me in this. It’s not about the gender, it’s about the boundaries that are being crossed. If he’s keeping things from you, I’d be walking out.
Post # 14
amelia777 : Meh, I do everything you mentioned with my two best friends who are both guys. We tell each other we love each other all the time, I have stayed over at their house many times without Fiance, I have gone camping with one of them just the two of us (though we met other friends there), we talk on the phone all the time etc etc. They’ve been my best friends for almost 10 years. Our friendship is 100% platonic and my Fiance and one of their GF’s (the other one is single) are totally fine with it. If Fiance asked me to pick, I’d pick my friends over him. They’ve been in my life for twice as long as he has, and I wouldn’t be okay with my Fiance trying to control me like that.
That said, I do think it’s an issue that your bf is hiding texts from her and lying to you about staying in hotel rooms etc.
The issue here is NOT that your bf has a female best friend. The issue is that you have a lying boyfriend. I would focus on that personally.
Post # 15
I agree with many others here that there’s nothing inherently wrong with platonic friendships but of they are hiding things and sneaking around, I’d be out of there.