- 11 years ago
- Wedding: July 2010
So I know I am probably going to get a verbal beating for this but I really want some opinions on this.
I am to start out by saying that my fiance is one of the most incredible men I have ever met in my life. He is my bestfriend. He is not someone that I ever thought was my type & but it didnt take me long to realize that he is everything and more than I have ever wanted in a man. We have been in each others lives for around 2 years now we had crushes on each other but we were only friends & I didn’t think I wanted a relationship. Our official relationship has been pretty short but the events of our lives made us come closer together We truely found each other at a point in my life that I didn’t think that I wanted a relationship. I do truely feel that God brought us into each others lives when we needed each other and I can honestly tell you that I can’t remember a time that i have ever felt so happy Or that I everything in my life just seemed so easy. I have no doubt in my mind that this is the man that I want to spend the rest of my life with.I also want to add that Fiance knows the whole story behind us & that we ocassionally keep in touch.
With that being said there is a man that has been in my life for several years now. He first appeared in my life when I was married & going through a rough time in my marriage. We were actually going through a speration. Well I met him while I was at a Seminar in Lexington, KY where he lived. Long story short he ends up having dinner with me and a couple friends and we end up talking for hours… we exchanged phone numbers & emails. A couple of weeks went by and he emailed me and our emails turned to IM’ to texts to phone calls over the next couple months. He became my bestfriend and at the time about the only support system I had. After a few other months we starting visiting each other we would drive 3.5 hrs away about twice a month. This went on for about 6 months. We never had a physical relationship more than hugging or we might walk arm and arm or a little forehead kiss from him when one of us had to go back home.
When my Husband had returned home from deployment things got really bad between him and I things got worse. REALLY BAD! I fell into a deep depression and pretty much shut everyone off in my world but my child. James (the man) just wouldnt let me shut him out, but my depression took a big toll on him too. He was being there for me as my friend but he was going through things in his life that he needed me there for him too and I just wasn’t. It was somewhere in all of that I realized that he wasn’t just my bestfriend we very much were having an innapropriate relationship (though while not a physical one) very much emotional one I loved Him.
A few months later I saw James, once again we met up at our favorite little midway meeting spot for the day. That day he told me he loved me and that he wanted me to have the ring his father had given to his mother. I told him that I loved him but that I couldnt take the ring … not right now. The next couple of hours were different. When we returned back to my car he said … lets go to you house & get your daughter and your stuff… I been looking at a house… move here with me. I laughed and told him he was crazy & that he knew i couldnt just up a leave everything to move on the spur of the moment. Then he said so ask me to come with you… I said I cant ask you to do that.
Me & James didn’t talk much after we left each other that day.We kept in touch but it wasnt the same. My divorce was finalized & I had alot of life changes and alot of time to think and I guess it was almost a year after that I realized that I really loved this man & how much I had hurt him.
It has been almost 3 years ago since i last saw him I suprised him and I show up at his work & I tell him this whole little speech that basically tells him that I love him & that even though it took me a long time to realize it I want to be with him. I want a relationship with him. He just starts crying and simply says “do you know how long I waited to hear that”?
I hear from him a few months later. He asks me if I can send him a necklace that he had bought me. It has a little silver painted rubber ducky charm on it (ducks tie into the strange meeting story & it was a gift from him on my birthday that was very sweet) I always called him my ducky so he told that even when he wasnt around that as long as i had the duck around my neck “my ducky” would always be close. I had worn that thing without taking it off for almost 3 years I loved it.. him and that little necklace brought me out of my depression. I was crushed, he tells me i can keep everything else he just really needs the necklace back. He tells me that he is moving, changing his number, wont have internet and that I wont be able to reach him anymore. So i get mad and send him all the stuff that even reminds me of him.
I get a random phone call Actually back in March from him. He calls me and tells me that he is leaving for Iraq in 5 days. I was tore up this was to be his 4th deployment ( he always would tell me he never wanted to go back bc his gut told him if he did he wouldnt make it back home this time) He tells me he needed the ducky bc he needed to know that “I” was going to be right there with him. He proceeds to tell me that I was the woman of his dreams & how much he loves me & how bad i broke his Heart & how he still thinks of me every day.
He then tells me that he dissapeared because he got married .. to the mother of his child (his child was like 4 at the time .. they use to be high school sweethearts but hadnt been together in like 3.5 years. We geting a huge fight im crying he is crying we are both mad and that was it.
I guess it was since about October We have been communicating via email a couple times a month .. just little things to make sure he is ok and check in.
There was a guy that his smell reminded me of James So i sent him a little msg saying hey just thinking about you… and we end up talking on yahoo & he turns on his webcam to show me pics his little girl sent him & then I see it there it is hanging around his neck with his dog tags. It was no longer yellow all the paint was worn off but it was the duck that I wore for those years. I make i joke that I cant believe he kept that dinky old thing & he tells me that he sits and he rubs it all the time & that on long nights and missions and times he is scared or worried that it calms him and brings back happy memories and it is the only thing that gets him through.
I broke down, I don’t know of anything that has ever touched my heart like that did. I have been torn up all night about it. I can’t sleep & honestly I feel guilty. Not because I feel I have done anything wrong, our conversation are never innapropriate. I feel guilty because I know that no matter how hard I try to just forget him that I can’t. I know deep down in my heart that I still love him. I don’t think about him in a way that makes me think that I would rather be with him than my fiance or anything like that. I don’t think about him in a sexual way. I dont think about cheating or anything like that. But I feel so guilty because I still love this man. A million thank you’s to him could never possibly be enough for everything he done for me and got me through. He was my guardian angel honestly I dont think I would be alive today if it was not for him. He saved me from not only my ex.. he saved me from myself. It breaks my heart because he seems so different. He seems so broken, so unhappy, so empty & I cant help but feel like I did that. I don’t deliberately contact him all the time or anything like that, there are just times he is on my mind. Or I havent heard from him in a while and get worried & contact him. I try so hard to just forget him and move past him in my life but its hard sometimes.
Do you think it is possible that I can love both of these men so much? Should I feel guilty for still loving another man? Has anyone else been in this situation? Do you think I should be fair to tell my ex that I still love & care for him?