(Closed) Is it horrible to love another man???Let me have it ‘m braced for my beating :(

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
26 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: September 2010

I’m sorry for all the emotional stress you must be under. This can’t be easy.

One aspect I would consider is the “what if” factor. It sounds like you and the ex never really had a fair shake and there was a lot of bad turns and miscommunication. Maybe you’re hanging onto this idea of him because it was never fully explored?

Here’s wishing you the best.

Post # 4
Member
230 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

Wow, I am so sorry you’re going through all this!  Unfortunately, I have no useful advice, but it sounds like you (and James) have each been through really difficult situations, and it is completely understandable that you have feelings for someone who served as such a tremendous source of support.  A friend (or boyfriend) like that is hard to find, so no wonder you feel such a connection to him.  As for what to do about it–that’s the hard part.  🙁   I hope things start looking brighter, whatever you decide! 

Post # 5
Member
3539 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

I really dont think anyone here will beat you and I dont think its wrong, because you outlined is a non sexual relationship. I think with an ex they will always have a peice of your heart that you can never get back, there is always a tie.

I see my ex every now and again, and i always said the what if, he proposed and I wasnt ready, so we agreed to move on. I see him now and it brings back emotions. But with my FH now I have never been treated better, loved so much and had such a best friend and the feeling is returned.

You make your choices, I wont judge you for it.. I wish you the best, chin up.

Post # 6
Member
562 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

First, it is very courageous of you to be so open and honest about this.  I don’t think that any regulars on here would judge you.  It sounds like James has been such an integral part of your life and helped you be the woman you are today that to have such deep love for him is not unexpected.  I don’t think anyone will dispute that it’s human to love many people in our lifetimes.  I do think that it’s possible as well to love more than one person at the same time, the difference is the type of love that you have for each person.  It sounds like you have a very deep, grateful for the person he is and was and how he was there for you love and you still care very much about him.  But that does not necessarily translate into the passionate, want to spend the rest of my life with you, so IN LOVE with you type of love.  I feel that is where the major difference lies, that you can love another person but that being IN love is completely different experience.

Whatever you do, we’ll be here by your side.  

Post # 7
Member
2825 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

My parents are divorced, but they dated in high school, broke up got married to other people, got divorced and a mutual friend got married and sat them next to eachother.  Well they got married, had me, and 13 years later they got divorced.

It was an amicable divorce, they are still friends, and THEY STILL LOVE EACHOTHER.  It’s just in a non-sexual way, they are friends and they’ve been through so much together.  They are both in loving and committed relationships with other people and all four of them hangout with old friends.  Weird to some, maybe, but it works.

All I’m trying to say is yes, you can love two people and have one be more of a “friend” love and like you said, he helped you through really hard times.  Just be sure to never cross the line, if it’s not something you could say infront of your fiance to him, then don’t say it.  And maybe it would make you feel better to tell your fiance how you feel?

Sorry your going through this!

Post # 8
Member
36 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: August 2009

Hmm….that’s a rough one girl.  However, if I was going through this I’d think that you have to stop looking back in the past and make some decisions about your future.  What kind of relationship with James will be best for you to have (factoring in your future husband).  You might not have a physical connection to James right now, but it certainly sounds like you have an emotional one.  Sometimes that can be more painful to a husband than a physical one.  You might need to think about breaking off all ties of communication with James—not without explanation.  If you decided to do this, you could tell James that for the stability of your marriage and your future emtional balance, you feel that the two of you can’t communicate anymore.  Eventually the story wrapped around you and James will lose much of it’s emotional charge and will become a memory of your past life as a Miss.  Though, this might take a long time.  When I think about people in my life I think in terms of how they contribute to my life. Are they making my life better or worse?  If it’s worse, then it might be time to let them go.  Just my personal opinion….it sounds like you and James have a deep connection that might make cause future conflicts with your  FI/Husband should you keep the connection going.  But maybe you’re capable of that kind of emotional thing… I know for myself that I’m not.  I can’t remain friends with exs…there’s just always too much there for me and I can’t move on if they’re still around.  Anyway…. good luck with all this!  You’ll figure out the right thing to do with all of it… just search inside yourself and listen to your heart. 

Post # 9
Member
27 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: May 2010

While I personally have not been in this exact situation before, I can relate and I don’t judge you at all for your feelings.  I’m very sorry you are going through so much pain and uncertainty, but your story really touched me.  Human relationships are so complicated, aren’t they… and that is part of what makes them so beautiful.  There’s a word in Chinese, “yuan”, that some people translate as “fate” or “destiny”, but to me, it is a lot more subtle than that.  In my mind, it’s a kind of airy yet unbreakable web of cosmic connection.  For instance, you know how you never meet anyone randomly on a street but you keep meeting this one acquaintance over and over again over a span of dozens of years, sometimes running into each other thousands of miles from home.  Even if you never become close friends or even go beyond the casual “hello”, you are cosmically connected somehow to that peson.  Sorry if I’m not explaining myself well and sounding like a kook!  But that is what I think you have with James.  Perhaps you just have to acknowledge that you and he have a tie that no time or distance can break, and that the stars just never lined up right so that you could really be together.  However, I agree with Miss Popcorn in that you have to close that chapter in your life and look towards a beautiful future with your Fiance (if that’s right for you).  You have to make a decision one way or another; you’re just going to tear yourself apart otherwise.  I’m sure he’ll be indescribably sad, but if it’s right for you, you should tell him that for both of your sake, you can’t contact him anymore but that he will always be in your heart. 

Best wishes to you.

 

Post # 10
Bee
12087 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2009 - Barr Mansion

I think it’s possible to love two people, and it doesn’t make you a horrible person.  There is a part of you that will always love him, and that will probably never go away.  BUT, out of respect for your fiance and for the marriage that you two are planning together, you need to cut off all contact with James.  I know it will hurt, but it is the best thing for you and your relationship, and honestly it’s better for James, too.  I wish you the best of luck!

Post # 11
Member
6661 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2010

Wow, I’m sorry you are going through this. All I can say is that you should honestly put yourself in FI’s shoes and look at the situation from his eyes. Would he be upset to know about this other man? I can tell you for sure my Fiance would be, even given the fact that it isn’t sexual.

Also, it seems as though you’ve had several chances to drop everything and be with this other man, but you chose not to. That should tell you something. He helped you along when you needed him, you both chose not to be together and now you need to respect your Fiance and move on from him.

I hope that helps give you a little clarity. Good luck wiht this tough situation!

Post # 12
Member
376 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

I agree with stopping contact. Sorry for the length below!!

I was in a very similar situation where I essentially was very emotionally close to a friend of mine, beyond what was okay for a friendship. My partner realized this and it hurt him a lot. So long story short, we talked, and I closed the door on that person, forever. I’m very, very glad I did. Eventually, the feeling of being torn inside went away.

Yes, James helped you through a lot in your life. He also caused you a lot of pain. You may love him in certain ways, but you need time to focus on building a new life with your fiance.

Maybe you feel like James needs you, and because he helped you, you should try to be there for him, too. But you are right to be cautious. What he did for you was something that only a single person could have done (be there through a divorce, tell you to move in with him, wear your necklace, etc).

You cannot be there for him the way he was there for you. This is because the emotional investment required should only go to one man (if you believe in emotional monogamy, and it sounds like you do). And, in spite of the fact that you never did anything inappropriate or physical, it also sounds like he loves you. It sounds like both of you find each other emotionally, if not physically, attractive. And that is perhaps even more dangerous.

After you told him you loved him, he contacted you three months later to ask for the necklace back. No explanations, no follow-up, nothing. James had his chance and did not follow up on it. Instead, he hurt your feelings by cutting off contact and then married someone else without telling you.

Your relationship is at a natural end now. You are about to start your life with another man, one whom you love and have given your emotional loyalty to. You are going to be someone’s life partner, and that’s a very big job. James may be going through a rough patch right now, but you cannot keep feeding these emotions (and that is what happens when you contact him). James is the path not taken, which is maybe tempting before a big decision. But you are making the right decision for you.

You are making the right decision by marrying the man you love.

Tell James you need to focus on your marriage and that you need to let the friendship end now. Tell him no hard feelings. Let him go, and remember him fondly. Both of you will have wonderful lives and good memories to live by. Of course you love your friend who loves you. Yes, the necklace is touching and demonstrates that he cares for you. But it’s not the kind of friendship that is compatible with your current relationship.

And please, please, please, after you end this friendship, do NOT tell James you love him, and do NOT your husband-to-be that you ‘love another man.’ It’s not strictly true (you don’t love James romantically the same way as your husband, you don’t want to be involved with him), and you will cause a hurt to your FH that can never be erased.

It might make you feel better, but it will cut him to the core.

If you don’t want to cut the ties, then introduce James to your fiance as an old friend, and facilitate their friendship. But I don’t think this is a good option.

Good luck, hon, we’re rooting for you.

 

Post # 14
Member
1602 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

i don’t believe there’s anything wrong with whats going on right now. if you know that you still want to be with your Fiance, that’s all that matters. obviously what drew you to him before is still there, and probably will never go away. that being said as long as you’re aware of that and aren’t actively persuing it, you’re fine.

and i think it’s great that your Fiance has an idea of what’s happening. honesty is the best in a relationship, so keep that up.

but i personally would say that it’s good to have a friend like that. someone you love, and who loves you back, but you know it’ll never end up being…

Post # 15
Member
5993 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2010

my concern with having such an emotional bond with another man is if it is at the exclusion of your husband

as your OP states, you were married and you turned to James for comfort and friendship. not knowing the facts of your marriage back then, and i am not making any judgements, im concern that by seeking comfort from someone else on an emotional level you were being emotionally unfaithful and not 100% committed to your marriage.

personally im of the belief sometimes we meet people to learn a lesson, to get thru a problem or to help you move on in life – by holding onto James and what he offered you in the past, you might not be taking steps towards your future with 100% commitment

goodluck because it can get very difficult if you are not 100% honest with yourself and your Fiance

 

 

 

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