Post # 1
Alright, so I need help!
My Fiance and I bicker all the time. It might sound weird to other people, but for us.. it works. Sometimes we just need to bicker to “vent the stress” and then get over it. It’s fine. But, like most couples, we do have our big fights.
Without going into the details.. the other night we got into this huge fight and he – once again – out of anger and in the heat of the moment – said that he wanted this relationship to end and that I should just pack up and leave. I am so tired of him making these types of threats. He doesn’t think before he speaks. Maybe it’s me, but I believe in FAIR FIGHTING. I have this rule – comment on my behavior, but don’t attack me as a person. When he is the slightest bit mad, he attacks me (like attacking the way I am) – telling me that he can’t deal with me and that this relationship is over, etc etc etc. In the beginning, I got over it, but then realized that this was his MO every time we fought. So, I told him that I’d appreciate it if he didn’t threaten our relationship (i.e. if you don’t stop, we’re done. If you leave, we’re through) every time we got into a spat. He told me he understood and that he’d stop.
Well, he hasn’t. And I’m tired of it. He pulled this crap just a couple of days ago, and I freaked out. He then started to cry and told me he didn’t mean it, and that he just said stuff because he was upset. Part of me feels like he needs to learn his lesson, but I don’t want to seem overly stubborn. Also, when he gets bad, his anger shows in strength. Not a fan.
Am I overreacting? Should I just shut up and accept that this is how he fights? Or am I not crazy for thinking that he needs to stop threating our relationship when he is pissed off?
Post # 3
No, that’s not cool at all. You’re not overreacting. I think either you insist on couple counseling or next time he says that, leave. Not for good, but just to scare him. I don’t normally condone game playing but this sounds like a situation where he’s going to have to realize what he’s saying before he says it.
Post # 4
- Wedding: June 2010 - Indiana Memorial Union
Yeah you just don’t threaten to end the relationship in a fight.. it’s so hurtful. I would insist that he talks to someone about his need to threaten that every time he fights. Couples argue, but there’s no reason to say things like that.
Post # 5
I agree with jennifer_espos. Maybe he needs to see what it would actually feel like to loose you, then he might think twice about threatening you with your relationship. I hate to say that but maybe thats what he needs. He really needs to make an a huge effort to think about what he is saying. A little fighting is healthy but not the unfair kind. Good luck, hope you all work it out.
Post # 6
That’s definitely not fair to you at all. Like ribbons said, couples argue, but threats are completely uncalled for. You should feel safe and secure with your partner. Doubt and fear of when the next blow up will be doesn’t provide that kind of environment.
Post # 7
Ooh, not good. My husband and I have benefitted greatly from seeing a couples counselor–it has given us a more neutral language with which to voice our concerns and to argue when necessary. I recommend it. I know a lot of guys are against counseling (which is stupid, but I’ll save that for a different rant), but it has only helped us and made us closer.
Post # 8
Well to be honest i have actually done this 2 times. I did not really want my significant other to leave but in the heat of the moment threatened him twice to leave and that I was done, had enough! The 2nd time he literally packed up and we were both so upset but in reality I didnt want him to leave and he didnt want to leave. It took that for us to try to be calmer in our fights. A natural reaction for some is to just end the problem or walk away… i was one of them. I was in a relationship for 8 yrs before my Fiance and i told myself I would not stick around for another one that might not work. But in reality there are ones that work and take work and we need to not just try to get out of it.. well this was my reasoning… never did it again.
Post # 9
Thanks guys! I appreciate all of your advice. You know, this time I did attempt to leave. I grabbed a pack, threw clothes in it.. but he physically stood in front of the door and preventing me from leaving. I mean, what do I at that point? I guess the whole packing of the bag thing speaks for itself, but I did want to walk out in hopes that maybe it would serve as a reality check.
I don’t know – to me, it’s like how could you even be OK with using a threat like that? Of course me being an overthinker is now worrying that if he was able to say it, he at least would be OK with it.. if that makes sense.
@Jizes318 – good to hear your perspective. Thanks.
I suppose counseling would be helpful. I just need to make it happen.
Post # 10
I agree that these threats are not okay. I understand being in the heat of the moment and saying things you don’t mean, but he really needs to learn how to control this, especially now that you are getting married (ie, promising to be together forever.) It sounds kind of like a habit or pattern of behavior that he just needs to break out of, since it really sounds like he does not want to lose you. Counseling could be a really big help. I think there is a stigma against it, but I’m sure most relationships could use it at one point or another.
Post # 11
i did the same thing you Fiance does…i know, it is wrong and im getting better, im trying to behave, but sometimes when you are in that moment you can completly lose it and you need to “attack” someone..my FI was the victim because he is the closest person to me..i know it sounds weird, but usually people attack the closest firnds/family they have… it is not cool… im a really impulsive person and if i am really angry basically it is “the end of the world” i yell at him for no reason, just because i need the stress to get out of my system and i often say stuff i shouldnt say..i said to him that it was over a few times, and it got to the point that i really hurt his feelings..but when i realized i said the most awful things to him i immediately regret it and i was soo scared i could lose him but he has alwasy been there to forgive me..what it is making change is the fact that i though that maybe one day he wont be able to take it anymore and he wont be there for me so… i kinda stopped.. yeah we still fight, butim not trying to say anythign hurtful to him… he knows me by now, he knows that i dont mean those hurtful things, but they hurt him… so i can immagine how you feel.. what my Fiance and i did was talking about it..he is trying and helping me to “change” for the best.. I used to walk out the room when we used to have a fight while he rather talk about it..now im learing and if we have an issue we just talk about it and try to solve the problem.. my advice is to talk to him and make him understand your point of view… if he keeps going then you just need to dont pay attention and let him be, fight him back it could be worse..im sure leaving was a good lesson for him… unfortunately there is much you can do, he is the one who need to help himslef and change you can just be there by his side…
Post # 12
i dont think ur over reacting..when u get married what is he going to say.if u … we’re getting divorced.from what u say it seems like those words wont be too hard to fly out his mouth.both of u need t set boundaries.if u dont things will only get worse havfter marriage.at least thats y 2 cents
Post # 13
Oh that’s not good. My Fiance use to do that in the beginning of our relationships and it realllly hurt my feelings. It also mad eme angry after the sadness subsided because that is a threat to end the relationships if you do not get your way. Didn’t like it at all so when we were both calm we sat down and I told him how that made me feel and that I do not want to continue in a relationship where these dirty tactics were used. I think we both have gotten much better! Good Luck
Post # 14
Fiance used to say that all the time as well. It really hurts. You’re not over reacting at all! You need to talk to him about it!
Post # 15
You’re not overreacting. Your Fiance needs to decide if he’s in it for good, or not. He can’t threaten your relationship just because he’s upset. He’s a adult, and adults learn to control their emotions. Also, if you plan on having kids, what will they think when they hear their dad tell their mom to leave? That sort of thing can scar a kid!
Post # 16
you arent over reacting – but you have to recognize that this is how he knows how to fight, so unless you go to counselling, he wont stop doing that. he needs to learn a more constructive way to argue. so see a professional! 🙂
good luck girlie 🙂